Adolescent Grief Issues: Help For The Caring Adult

1. Adolescent Grief Issues: Help For The Caring Adult David A. Opalewski Author/Presenter (989) 249 – 4362 griefrecovery@chartermi.net www.griefrecovery.ws

2. When death impacts a family, everyone has a high need to feel understood, yet a natural incapacity to be understanding !

3. The Gardner and the Seedling: A Parable • One spring morning a gardener noticed an unfamiliar seedling poking through the ground near the rocky, untended edge of his garden. He knelt to examine it’s first fragile leaves. Though he had cared for many others during his long life, the gardener was unsure what this new seedling was to become. Still, it looked forlorn and in need of his encouragement, so the gardener removed the largest stones near the seedling’s tender stalk and bathed it in rainwater from his worn tin watering can

4. Parable Cont. • In the coming days, the gardner watched the seedling struggle to live and grow in it’s new, sometimes hostile home. When weeds threatened to choke the seedling, he dug them out, careful not to disturb the seedling’s delicate roots. He spooned dark, rich compost around it’s base. One cold April night, he even fashioned a special cover for the seedling from an old canning jar so that it would not freeze.

5. Parable Cont. • But the gardener also believed in the seedling’s natural capacity to adapt and survive. He did not water it too frequently. He did not stimulate it’s growth with chemicals. Nor did he succumb to the urge to lift the seedling from it’s unfriendly setting and transplant it in the rich, sheltered center of the garden. Instead, the gardener watched and waited.

6. Parable Cont. • Day by day, the seedling grew taller, stronger. It’s slender yet sturdy stalk reached for the heavens and it’s blue- green leaves stretched to either side as if to welcome the gardener as he arrived each morning.

7. Parable Cont. • Soon a bud appeared atop the young plant’s stem. Then one warm June afternoon, the tightly wrapped, purple-blue petals unfurled, revealing a creamy white ring of petals inside and a tiny bouquet of yellow stamens at it’s center. • A Columbine – the gentle wildflower whose name means “dove-like” A single, perfect columbine.

8. Parable Cont. • The gardener smiled. He knew then that the columbine would continue to grow and flourish, still needing his presence, but no longer requiring the daily companionship it had during it’s tenuous early days. • The gardener crouched next to the lovely blossom and cupped it’s head in his rough palm. “Congratulations” he whispered to the columbine. “You have not only survived, you have grown beautiful and strong.”

9. Parable Cont. • The gardener stood and turned to walk back to his gardening shed. Suddenly a gust of wind lifted his straw hat and as he bent to retrieve it, a small voice whispered back, “Without your help, I could not have. Thank you.” • The gardener looked up, but no one was there. Just the blue columbine nodding happily in the breeze.

10. How The Gardener Helped • He didn’t transplant it into the garden. Thus he didn’t try to “fix” the problem • He only protected when the frost came which was an immediate threat to the seedling’s life • He didn’t protect from day to day hassles • He allowed natural consequences to teach • He enriched or fertilized the soil • He watched and waited instead of being more actively involved • He believed in the seedling

12. Teen Grief • They are not children, yet neither are they adults • Teen grief is an area in need of much more research • Grieving teens need the love and support of adults if they are to grow to become emotionally healthy themselves

13. Teen Grief Facts • Most deaths teens experience are sudden or untimely (Sudden Death Syndrome) • Most teens at first will often feel disbelief and numbness. His survival mechanisms tell him that he must push away if he is to survive • The teen’s heightened emotions often take the form(s) of rage/anger. This is his way to say “I protest this death” and vent his feelings of helplessness

14. Teen Grief Facts Cont. • Rage fantasies are also common – it is a normal grief response and most teens know not to act upon these feelings • The death of a parent is especially difficult for teens • Teens are extremely close to boyfriends, girlfriends, and best friends. Many times, their grief is overlooked because society tends to focus on the ‘primary” mourners . . . The dead person’s immediate family

15. Anticipated Death Professionals helping families grieve anticipated deaths rarely consider their potentially traumatic impact. These deaths are considered to be “good deaths” providing opportunity to come to terms with the situation. This view ignores the many logistical, financial, and emotional strains of terminal illness.

16. Stress with a Dying Parent Deterioration of dying patient – physical, mental and emotional Fear of unknown Inability to help Loss of sense of world as a safe place Teen’s fear of intensity of own emotional reactions

17. Stress with a Dying Parent Guilt over inability to tolerate exposure to dying parent Surviving parent emotionally depleted Surviving parent seeking support from teen

18. Adolescent Quote “I didn’t want to spend time with mom. I was scared of the fact she was dying. It’s different than you’re used to. You’re kind of speechless and you don’t know what to say.”

19. Grieving Teens In School • Should not be asked to continue with school work as if nothing happened • The work of mourning must take precedence if a teen is to heal. Teachers should understand this temporary shift in priorities • Important events like prom or graduation usually are difficult times not only after a short time, but also years later

20. Adolescent Mourning Needs • Acknowledge the reality of the death • Move toward the pain of the loss • Remember the person who died • Develop a new self-identity • Search for meaning • Continue to receive support from adults

21. What NOT To Do • Be judgmental, criticize, blame • Do most of the talking • Lie or tell half-truths • Use euphemisms like “gone away,’ “resting,” “sleep” etc. • Be afraid to admit to a student that you DON’T know all the answers • Avoid the student(s) • Minimize the loss

22. What NOT To Do • Change the subject • Use clichés such as “we all have to die sometime” • Say “I know how you feel” • Believe that a teen thinks the same way as an adult • Attempt to become a substitute for the deceased

23. What NOT To Do • Think that a student’s busy activity means he/she is being disrespectful or disinterested • Pressure the student to talk • Tell them how they should feel

24. What SHOULD We Do ? • Allow the new loss to take precedence with classmates • Trust your instincts • Initiate the discussion of the loss issue if students do not bring it up • Encourage students to attend visitation, funeral, memorial service • Consider the creation of a memorial(plaque, books for the library, etc.)

25. What SHOULD We Do ? • Marshall positive forces in the student’s life • Realize that not talking about the loss doesn’t make it go away • Encourage classmates to be a support system for the grieving student and his/her family • Communicate the knowledge that all feelings are okay and need to be expressed • Recognize that laughter and play don’t mean that the student did not love or care about the person who died

26. What SHOULD We Do ? • Remember the four T’s in sympathy: “Talk” “Touch” “Tears” “Time” • Dispel guilt feelings

27. What Students Can Do • Make a Display Board for Funeral Home Visitation: • Have family liaison clear with family first • Students bring in pictures of activities with deceased, put names on back of pictures • Put at a place where students can see it before they enter the chapel to view deceased

28. Benefits of Display Board • Helps “loosen” the students up • Helps students feel part of the process • Stops crazy emotions • Makes the deceased a part of their lives

29. What Students Can Do • Make a Treasure Box Memorial: • Bring stuffed animals • Pictures • Hats • Poems/Songs/Writings • Art Work • Letter to deceased • Anything that will cultivate a pleasant memory or be a fitting tribute • Present to parents during or after the funeral

30. Sample Classroom Discussion Guide • Announce the tragedy – no PA announcement • Allow a minute or two for the news to sink in • Express how you are impacted by the tragedy • Ask students to share positive memories of the deceased • Share some positive memories you have of the deceased • Talk about feelings of grief • Encourage students to express their feelings

31. Class Discussion Cont. • Encourage students to attend visitation, memorial, funeral, make a card, plan memorial, etc. • Move into classroom work with their option to stop anytime they feel a need to discuss the tragedy more or are feeling overwhelmed with grief

32. Red Flag Behaviors • Eating disorders • Isolation from family and friends • Alcohol or other drug abuse • Symptoms of depression • Inappropriate sexual behaviors • Dramatic change of behavior • Suicidal thoughts and actions • Fighting and legal troubles • Academic failure or over-achievement

33. Advice From My Teen Support Group • Mention the person who died by name; personalize our loss • Don’t be afraid to talk to us about the person who died. Don’t pretend that he/she didn’t exist • Use words “died” “death” etc. • Be patient. If we cry, please understand, and if we make you feel uncomfortable, we don’t mean to.

34. Advice From My Teen Support Group • Call and visit. Please don’t wait for us to call you. We are so overwhelmed by our loss we forget to call or don’t have the energy to call • Invite to church with you. If you see one of us sitting alone at church, or at school lunch, please sit with us • Invite us to a movie with you. If we say “no” please call back another time • Please remember the normal grief cycle is 24 months. In case of suicide it may last even longer

35. Advice From My Teen Support Group • “Thinking of You” cards or notes on anniversaries (death, wedding) or the dead person’s birthday are greatly appreciated. It is comforting to know that remember and care • If we vent our anger toward you please forgive us • Please don’t tell us “I know how you feel” • Please don’t tell us ‘you have to take care of mom or dad” • Please be happy with us when positive things happen to us

36. Grief Generalized reaction SADNESS Grief reactions stand alone Grief reactions are usually known to public and professional Most can talk about what happened Trauma Generalized reaction TERROR Trauma reactions usually include grief reactions Reactions largely unknown to public and often professionals Most do not want to talk about what happened Differences Between Trauma And Grief

37. Grief Pain is the acknowledgement of the loss Anger is usually non-destructive/assaultive Usually does not attack or disfigure self-image Guilt says “I wish I would/would not have” Dreams tend to be of deceased Trauma Anger often becomes assaultive verbally or physically Generally attacks, disfigures self image Guilt says “it was my fault; I could have prevented it” Dreams about self as potential victim Differences Between Grief And Trauma

38. Suicide: Helping Those Left Behind • Rejection Loneliness • Shame Guilt • Blame Anger • Make sure you don’t make the deceased bigger in death then they were in life ! • Beware of copy-cat behaviors • Non-judgmentally, stress suicide is NEVER the answer

39. Reasons Why Memorial Services Are Not Advised • A memorial service runs the real risk of glamorizing or romanticizing the suicide • Students who feel unimportant may come to believe that suicide is a way to become important (Elder, 1995 Grollman, 1990 Wilson institute for Adolescent Studies 1988) • Memorials can serve to increase the attractiveness of suicide as a solution to problems (Catone et al, 1991)

40. “Why Can’t I Feel Anything ?”

41. “Some of My Friends Have Changed. I Feel Like I Have Lost Them Too”

42. “I Better Enjoy Myself As Much As I Can Now, Who Knows What Tomorrow May Bring”

43. “Is It Wrong To Go To Parties And Have Fun ?”

44. “What If I Hardly Knew The Person ?”

45. “How Should I Be Acting ?”

46. “If I Get Close To Other People, Won’t I Betray My friend Who Died ?”

47. “I’m Afraid To Get Close To Someone Else, What if That Person Dies Too ?”

48. “How Can I Stand The Pain ?”

49. “What Is Normal ?”

50. “How Long Will This Last?”