Chapter 9, Marriage, A Private and Public Relationship

1. Chapter 9, Marriage, A Private and Public Relationship • Marriage and Kinship • Five Marriage Relationships • The Marriage Premise • Same-Sex Couples and Legal Marriage • Marital Satisfaction and Choices • Static Versus Flexible Marriages • Contracting for Flexibility- A Contradiction?

2. Types of Couple Relationships • Balanced - partners have a balanced focus on themselves, each other, and outside interests. • Couple-centered -couple is more romantically fused, focused mainly on their relationship. • Family-centered - shared interest is a family interest such as parenting or extended family.

3. Types of Couple Relationships • Loose connection - partners focus mainly on their separate hobbies, careers or friends. • Dependency distancing couples - one partner focuses on the marriage; the other puts more energy outside the relationship.

4. Five Marriage Relationships • Five representative relationships based on extensive interviews and research. • The relationships differ according to how the spouses feel about marriage. • Research has found these types among cohabitants as well as married partners.

5. Five Marriage Relationships 1. Conflict-Habituated • Considerable tension and unresolved conflict. • Spouses often nag and quarrel. • For some, this kind of marriage fulfills a need for conflict.

6. Five Marriage Relationships 2. Devitalized • Relationship has lost intimacy and meaning. • Partners spend little time together, enjoy sex less and don’t share interests. • More of these relationships end in divorce than they did in the past.

7. Five Marriage Relationships 3. Passive-Congenial • Emphasize professional responsibilities, children, property and reputation. • Partners focus on the sensibleness of their decision to marry. • Less likely to end in divorce because there are no unrealistic expectations.

8. Five Marriage Relationships 4. Vital • Partners enjoy being together. • Conflict centers on real issues and disagreements are settled quickly. • Sex is important and pleasurable. • A minority of marriages.

9. Five Marriage Relationships 5. Total • Spouses share home life, work, friends and leisure activities. • Vulnerable to rapid disintegration if marital quality changes. • Mutual dependency makes it difficult to adjust in case of death or divorce.

10. Important Marriage Facts • Marriage is different from other sexual relationships in many ways. • Partners expect marriage to offer intimacy companionship and emotional support. • Marriage involves more responsibility than other sexual relationships.

11. The Marriage Premise • Expectation of Permanence - Wanting to stay married and feeling morally obligated to stay married. • Expectation of Primariness- Includes expectation of sexual exclusivity.

12. Extramarital Sex • 1/4 of all husbands and 15% of wives report having had at least one affair. • 37% of men in their 50’s report having had at least one affair. • Women are more likely to have an affair if their marriage is emotionally distant. • Men have affairs for sexual variety.

13. Factors in Extramarital Affairs • Opportunity • Willingness to take advantage of the opportunity. • Expectations for satisfaction. • Likelihood of the affair being discovered.

14. Recovering from An Affair • Offending spouse apologizes sincerely without defending the behavior. • Offending spouse needs to allow and hear the anger and rage of the offended partner. • Offending spouse needs to allow trust to rebuild gradually (possibly 2 years or longer).

15. Recovering from An Affair • Offending spouse needs to do things to regain trust. • Offended spouse needs to decide whether to stay committed to the marriage and if so to let go of resentments. • Couple must consider marriage counseling.