Contract Negotiations

1. Contract Negotiations Communication

2. Tonight’s Objectives • Recognize quality conversation with your child • Understand the difference between communicating feelings and ideas as opposed to facts and information • Learn to encourage expression of feelings • Learn how communication styles influence family members

3. Can you remember when your children were very small and you could tell what they wanted or needed just from the sound of their cry?

4. Parents instinctively know their young children’s needs, but communication becomes a problem as children grow older.

5. “I know something is bothering my son, but he just shrugs his shoulders and says nothing’s wrong.”

6. “It seems like every conversation we have ends up in an argument or fight.”

7. “My daughter seems so depressed and angry, but she won’t open up.”

8. Why is this happening? • Parents fall into the trap of maintenance talk…questioning, talking facts and giving information. • Parents often control the conversation with their young child. • Children’s communication skills are not fully developed. • Our demanding responsibilities and schedules interfere.

9. Webster’s definition of communication, “the act of getting a message from point A to point B to convey thoughts, information or ideas.” Thoughts, information, ideas

10. What are some things parents say to children to convey information or exert power?

11. Where are your shoes? What time is your game? Go finish your homework. Don’t forget to brush your teeth.

12. Types of Parental Communication 1. Messages said in anger, commands, threats 2. Talking down to the child 3. Endless talking, lecturing, nagging 4. Firm communication that feels safe and nonjudgmental 5. Messages that lack firmness 6. Using vocabulary child does not understand 7. Avoiding issues 8. Communication without eye contact 9. Too many words or ideas at a time 10. Criticism, put downs, teasing about sensitive subjects, messages that hurt

13. To have a close relationship, families must be able to communicate on a deeper level, the level of feelings and emotions.

14. This type of communication develops close, trusting relationships in families. It enables families to get through stressful and difficult times.

15. Which color shows:Tone of Voice?Spoken Words?Body Language and Facial Features?

17. What patterns of parents’ communication discourage true communication with children?Examples: Excessive talking No eye contact Interrogation Commanding Criticizing Advising Too busy to listen Nagging Lecturing Preaching

18. Remember the 4 Family Atmospheres?Each of those parentingstyles affects family communication.

19. Authoritarian One way communication; sacrifices true communication

20. Permissive Open style of communication with few rules and guidelines creating inconsistency

21. Uninvolved Little or no communication

22. Authoritative Open, two way communication

23. The Four Basic Emotions:JOYANGERSADNESSFEARall are in place before a child’s first birthday

24. When Feelings Arrive • Birth • 6 – 8 Weeks • 3 – 4 Months • 8 – 9 Months • 12 – 18 Months • 18 Months • 2 Years • 3 – 4 Years • 5 – 6 Years • Adolescence • Pleasure, distress, surprise • Joy • Anger • Sadness, fear • Tenderness, affection • Shame • Pride • Guilt • Social emotions, envy, confidence • Romantic passion, brooding, philosophical thinking

25. How do children express their emotions? Children generally express most of their emotions through play, art, writing, or behavior.Their facial expressions are also good indicators of how they might be feeling.

27. Dealing with Emotions3 Ways • Suppression – We can only hold in our emotions in for so long before they emerge in one way or another • Verbalization – Children do not always understand their feelings or communicate well enough to express them • Acting out – Children usually show emotions behaviorally, many times in behaviors not related to the source of the problem

28. Which technique is the most dangerous? • Suppression, because we have to be extremely intuitive to figure out what is wrong. When children’s feelings are suppressed, they eventually come out, most often in unhealthy ways. • Children do not always understand how they feel, or can not express it verbally • Adults must help children channel their behaviors into healthy responses

29. How can parents help children handle their feelings?

30. First, understand and identify your own emotions and feelings See Feelings Faces Handouts

31. Second, Model Healthy Ways of Expressing Emotions

32. How do you show:Anger?Fear?Anxiety?Stress?

33. Parents must refrain from: Type of response Example “No, you don’t dislike your teacher.” “Oh, don’t worry. You will have forgotten all about it tomorrow.” “There isn’t such a thing as a monster.” “Well that party wouldn’t have been any fun anyway. We will just go to McDonalds and have our own party.” • Denying • Minimizing • Talking out of • Rescuing

34. Help children identify, understand, and express their feelingsFor example, if a child says he is “mad”, help him talk through the real emotions he is feeling about the situation or occurrence…such as disappointment, embarrassment, jealousy, etc.

35. Tools to help children deal with emotions • Be a role model • Be available • Express your own feelings and deal with them in healthy ways • Spend one-on-one time with each child, use eye contact, send messages that you care how they feel, listen and watch for subtle messages

36. Listen reflectively • Identify how you think the child feels, give the feeling a name, and use statements, not questions