Family Style Living and Relationship Building

1. Family Style Living and Relationship Building Pre-Service Workshop

2. Youth Quest aims to: • Building Healthy Relationships • Family Style Living • Dealing With Stress

3. RELATIONSHIPS FORM OVER TIME THROUGH A CONTINUAL PROCESS THAT INVOLVES COMMON EXPERIENCES AND INTERESTS.

4. Teach Childrento haveRelationships • with their own family • with Treatment Families • with teachers and community leaders • with friends

5. Communicating Relationships in Teaching • DELIVERY • Nurturing with Teaching • Include Quality Components • BALANCE • Eliminate Robotic Delivery • Develop Appropriate Tolerances • Maintain Appropriate Boundaries

6. Technology Training Consultation Common sense Judgment Structure Rules Guidelines Limits Connection Compassion Patience Understanding Empathy vs Sympathy BALANCE THE HEAD and HEART

7. There are no “relationship guarantees” that ensure customer satisfaction. No Guarantees

8. Building Relationships is like Building a House. You need a : • firm foundation • good set of tools • dedicated routine

9. Qualities of Healthy Relationships • Smiling • Having Fun • Playing • Incorporating Humor • Learning to Laugh at Yourself • Empathy • Praising • Listening • Thoughtfulness • Give and Take

10. SmilingIf you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours. • Shows warmth • Instills trust • Viewed as friendly and approachable

11. Having FunLaughter is a tranquilizer that has no side effects. • Creates a warm environment • Demonstrates “human” side

12. PLAYThere is a kid in all of us. • Use games to teach • Games teach lessons about life • Sharing • Respecting Others • Taking Responsibility • Following Rules • Accepting Defeat

13. HumorIf you can laugh at it, you can live with it. • Contagious • Eliminates dwelling on the “bad” • Healthy • Creates a positive environment in you home • Avoid sarcasm

14. Empathy There is no better exercise for the heart than reaching down and lifting someone up. • Understand feelings • Process of healing and hope • Look through youth’s eyes • Help share pain and fear • Soothes way for teaching • Shows you care • Not an excuse for misbehavior • Be sincere

15. PraiseNothing improves a person’s hearing more than praise. • Helps kids grow emotionally • Keeps treatment positive • Improves self-esteem

16. Important Elements of Good Listening • Eye contact • Be understanding • Use appropriate facial expressions and body language • Restate the message • Physical touch can be a powerful communicator

17. ThoughtfulnessNo man can sincerely help another without helping himself. • Doing or saying nice things • Little acts of kindness • Compliments

18. Give and TakeWe too often love things and use people when we should be using things and loving people. • Golden rule • Promotes teamwork • Teaches/models compassion

19. Strong Relationships Can Withstand Pain“best of times, worst of times” • illness • academic problems • disrespect • anger • rebellion • depression • negative peer group • alcohol & drugs • family conflict • family tragedy

20. Reasons Why You Should Build Relationships with Youth • The youth will spend more time with you. • The youth will model your behavior. • Your feedback has a greater impact. • Creates a more pleasant atmosphere in the home. • Opens communication between you and the youth. • All human beings need relationships to grow.

21. Adults cannot make a lasting difference in a child’s life if there is no personal connection.

22. Traditions and fun time are especially important when an individual is experiencing changes and transitions. • To Create More Fun / Relaxing Time: • Schedule it • Have family nights regularly / Family pictures • Take advantage of time you already spend with the youth • Be spontaneous!!

23. Assessing Family Relationships in Your Home • How much time do the youth spend with you? • Do the youth do things to please you and other family members? • Do they volunteer? • Do they show appropriate affection? • Do you like to spend time with the youth? • Does the family laugh together? • Are the youth loyal to your home?

24. Staying Happy CHECK TOLERANCE LEVELS TEACH GET ENOUGH REST TAKE NAPS DURING THE DAY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WEEKENDS LIMIT WORK DISCUSSION DURING OFF TIME ARRANGE PRIVATE AREAS TO STIMULATE RELAXATION PHYSICAL EXCERCISE

25. Family Style Living & Relationship Building Resources

26. Things to add • Take youth on vacations • Take program youth with you • Take no program youth with you is second best option • Do not leave one program youth and take another, especially to Disneyland

27. There are many reasons for developing positive relationships: • The youth is more likely to spend time with the Family Teachers and in the home. He/she's less likely to run away should serious problems develop - and if he/she does, he/she'll be more likely to come back. • The youth will be more likely to imitate the Family Teachers. He/she will be more likely to identify with their opinions and to agree with rationales they use in explaining certain rules and procedures in the home. Also, he/she would be more likely to model the appropriate social behaviors that Family Teachers use and teach. • The youth is much more likely to be affected by the Family Teacher's feedback. Praise for his/her good behavior and disapproval for problems that might develop are much more likely to affect a youth who has a good relationship with his/her Family Teachers. • The youth is much more likely to be communicative in the home. He/she would be more likely to want to converse with Family Teachers, and to initiate these types of conversations. It gives the Family Teachers and the youths a chance to learn the preferences and dislikes of one another.

28. The youth is much more likely to protect the program by defending it in front of peers and adults who may be critics. This is extremely important in developing cohesiveness in the home - that everyone in the home see themselves as part of it and are willing to defend it against critics and to support it in front of other people. • The youths and Family Teachers will get infinitely more satisfaction from each other's presence and from their involvement in the program if both parties like one another.

29. Not only will a Family Teacher want to increase attention and compliments for what a problem behavior youth is doing well, but she or he will want to increase the amount of fun interactions where teaching or problem solving are not a major focus. Simultaneously, counseling sessions might be increased particularly sessions where understanding the youth's feelings and needs are the focus rather than the solving of problems. Counseling might follow "intensive teaching" interactions or situations where major consequences were given. In these instances, the focus would again be to understand and empathize with the youth and help him/her understand that the interaction or consequences were motivated by concern.

30. FAMILY TEACHER SKILLS • The following skills and activities have proven beneficial in developing good relationships with youths. The list might be periodically reviewed - particularly when a problem relationship exists. • Being affectionate • touching • saying "I like you" • Being brief and specific • when praising • when correcting • when describing alternative behaviors • Calm, pleasant voice • when praising • when correcting • firm, but pleasant when confronting • Celebrating birthdays • your own • your family • your youths • Celebrating holidays

31. Concern - saying "I'm concerned" • when correcting • when teaching a skill critical to a youth's well being (e.g., doing homework) • Correcting in a concerned manner • saying "I'm concerned" • using positive correction (teach an alternative behavior) - praising improvement • praising how correction is accepted • Creating apleasant environment • Good surroundings • Good meals • Time for work • Time for fun • Fairness • Saying “I want to be fair” • Teaching what fairness is • Giving opportunities to speak • Voting at family meetings

32. Fun each day(30 minutes of family fun) • joking and laughing • playing games • rap sessions • contests • Giving points • when an expected behavior occurs • when improvement occurs • when a "good try" occurs • Giving rationales • when praising • when teaching new behaviors • when correcting • when giving negative consequence • Have in-home vacations (weekend or holiday) • relax program after things have gone well • have youths decide on activities • be together

33. Offer help • learning new skills • with problems • with homework • Offer time for a youth's concerns • Daily counseling for new youths • Daily counseling for youth “in trouble” • Time to speak at family meetings • Daily point conferences • Praise, praise, praise • for accomplishments • for any appropriate behavior • for small improvements • for "good tries" • particularly in front of visitors • Politeness • by youth • Promote politeness between youths

34. Positive correction • Teach alternatives when correcting • Provide opportunities to earn lost privileges • Show you are on her/his side • by saying "I'm concerned" • by saying "I want to help" • by praising • by correcting at home and praising in public - by defending youths to others • Smile, smile, smile • Empathy • for frustrations • for tragedies in youth's life • Time with each youth (15 minutes each day) • on homework • Just talking • reviewing cards • going shopping

35. Frequently, youths like routine rough housing and physical playfulness on the part of the Family Teachers. • Of course, each youth is an individual and there are differences in the ways they respond to affection. • One youth may enjoy a gentle touch, while another youth feels uncomfortable. • Almost all youths like positive comments and compliments. • If a youth has difficulty with accepting positive feedback, teach him/her how to say "thank you" to a positive comment and how to enjoy this expression of affection. • Show affection to youths even if they initially have difficulty being affectionate. • Statements and gestures of affection are extremely important to youth even though they have some problems with it. • Teach them how to accept and enjoy affection. Merely modeling acceptance and displays of affection can be very helpful.

36. Other Suggestions • Touch on importance of Positive corrections • Teach youth good social behavior • Do in-home vacations • Have regular family nights • Avoid raising tolerance levels

37. Similarly, have daily counseling sessions with youths having major problems. It's important to demonstrate concern by offering the time, but equally important to take time to express your concern in words. This is particularly important if a youth has had to earn large consequences for problem behaviors. • Youths who are doing well in the home should also be afforded regular counseling meetings - at least One-­half hour per week. Take care not to assume that a youth who is functioning very well may not need time to discuss personal issues. Counseling sessions for these youths might be informal "rap sessions" or a period of time where post graduation plans or future career goals might be discussed.

38. Be empathetic. The most important problems in the world to a youth are her/his own personal problems with peers, teachers, and natural parents. By being empathetic of these problems, the Family Teachers can begin the development of a relationship. The Family Teacher should listen to the youth describe these problems. The youth may cry and be very unhappy at times. It is, of course, perfectly all right for the youth to cry and show unhappiness as long as the behavior does not interfere with other appropriate behavior. The Family Teacher should keep in mind' that he may not be able to help the youth with many of her/his severe problems such as having an alcoholic parent. The Family Teachers can, however, comfort and empathize with the youth about these types of problems. Merely listening itself can be a powerful influence. Sincere empathy wil1 have a very important effect on the development of a relationship between the youth and the Family Teacher. • Be concerned. It's important that the youths feel that the Family Teachers are sincerely interested in these future. Thus, the Family Teacher should explain thus concern for the youth's future. Use rationales very frequently that relate to the youth's future success when she leaves Utah Girls' Village - in school, at work, in personal relationships, etc. Say the words, "I am concerned," or "We are concerned," when having to give corrective feedback to a youth. Do not assume that the youths will understand that the work and effort that you provide for them is a show of concern. Letting the youths know that this work is out of concern for them by telling them about your concern is an important facet of communicating that concern.

39. Show respect. Family Teachers should respect the opinions of the youths whenever possible. Family Teachers can show respect by praising the youths for suggestions that they make. Even if the Family Teacher does not agree with a suggestion that a youth makes, she or he can praise the youth for the fact that he/she is making a suggestion about the home. • Have fun. Family Teachers should make sure that the youths have some period of time each day when they can have intense fun with one another. This period of time might last anywhere from five minutes to an hour. The Family Teachers need to develop a sensitivity to the kinds of activities that various youths enjoy, such as telling jokes, talking, touch in a joking fashion, wrestling and rough-housing,trading stories about adventures and competing with the Family Teachers in games such as ping-pong and pool.

40. Have activities as a family unit. Go out and have funas a family frequently. Approximately once a week take the youths out to eat at an informal restaurant such as Pizza Hut, go bowling, skating, to a movie, or whatever outing the family desires. Again, the normal teaching and control might be relaxed during the outing time. Do the teaching such as table manners, how to order at a restaurant, etc., prior to the outing so that fun can be the primary goal that the family has when together. • It's also a good idea to take a yearly vacation. The vacation allows the youths to plan a camping trip from where to go, how long to stay, how much it costs, etc. They learn a lot and generally have more fun when they are a part of the planning. • Some homes frequently enjoy having parties to celebrate special occasions such as Valentine's Day, Fourth of July, St. Patrick's Day or whatever excuse they can find for having a special occasion gathering. Of course, it's a good idea to regularly celebrate each youth's birthday. Getting the youths involved in making arrangements for the party, making the food, and buying the presents can be another way of developing cohesiveness in the family.

41. Be pleasant. Just as the Family Teachers want the youths to be polite and considerate, the youths are going to like it most when the Family Teachers are polite and considerate to them. The normal courtesies of "please" and "thank you" and speaking in a calm tone of voice should both be modeled for the youths so that they may learn these skills and also be used in day-to­day interactions just out of respect for the youths. Considerate and gentle social behaviors, even when instructing and disciplining, will strengthen the positive relationships between the Family Teachers and the youths. • Spend time with each Youth each day. As mentioned, the Family Teacher should spend some time with each youth individually every day. When time is short, this may only be a 15-minute counseling or "rap session". There are many opportunities to spend individual time watt, a youth - such as in preparing dinner, counseling, teaching him/her something about his/her school work, playing pool, shooting basketball, conversing about some topic of sex education, or just spending tame together while reading a newspaper.

42. Be flexible. It's important that the youths understand that the goal of the program is to help them be more successful and to be happier in their lives. This means that there is nothing absolute about anything about the program. The Family Teacher needs to explain in detail that the only reason for a program to exist is to help the youths. If a youth demonstrates a mature attitude in wanting to change some part of the program, the Family Teacher might want to seize on this opportunity to demonstrate to the youth that the program is flexible and adaptable to his/her needs. The Point Systems, Family Meeting, or anything else about the programare only tools used to help the youths. Nothing about their occurrence is sacred or untouchable. Any changes that the youth suggests that would make them better tools for them and for the Family Teachers ought to be seriously considered.

43. Be fair. Discuss fairness with the youths frequently. Whenever you have to take away a privilege or points, tell the youth the reason. The giving of reasons for why things occur is an extremely important aspect of fairness. Let the youths know that you are concerned that they improve in their social behaviors. Say the words "fair" and "concern" frequently. Ask the youths repeatedly if they think certain consequences are fair. In this way, you will demonstrate to the youths that fairness is a real concern that you have as their Family Teacher.

44. Utilize family meeting • Even when the Family Teachers know exactly what the decision should be and what. consequences would be appropriate, it is still a good practice to ask the youths for their input. For example, suppose someone was setting fires in wastebaskets in the home. Such a situation is obviously very serious and strong consequences are necessary to ensure that it is stopped. Even so, the Family Teachers should involve the youths in the decision. Once a Family Teacher describes to the youths the dangers involved and realizes they understand these dangers, a Family Teacher might seek their input as to what type of consequence should occur for such a serious offense. • As a rule, the Family Teachers should always ask the youths when a decision has been made, "What do you think?" or "How do you feel about that?" or "Is that fair?" In this way, the youths will learn to understand the concern for fairness that the Family Teachers have. This is extremely important in demonstrating to the youths what fairness is and in demonstrating that the Family Teachers desire to be fair.

45. The point being made here is that no rule nor any procedure can be separate from its consequences. If youths can responsibly handle a privilege, for example, the privilege can be maintained. Should they be irresponsible, the privilege might be lost. A Family Teachers' goal is teaching this responsibility.

46. Human relationships are a two-way system. The youths must be just as concerned with pleasing the Family Teacher as the Family Teacher is in pleasing the youths for the relationship to maintain itself. Teach the youths what behaviors please you and expect them to engage in those behaviors when they are around you. For instance, it's critical for the youths and for the Family Teachers that the youth learn to respond to instructions and to feedback in non-aversive manners. Your task, as a Family Teacher, is teaching and if the youth cannot follow instructions or accept feedback well, both of you are going to find your relationship very unpleasant. Each interaction that you have where instructions and feedback are given is an opportunity for the youth to learn how to behave in a pleasant manner while receiving feedback and instructions.

47. Realizing that the Family Teacher is ultimately the authority in the home and that the task of the Family Teacher as the authority is sometimes to give negative consequences, some research was done asking the youths about behaviors they preferred from Family Teachers. Youths were asked which behaviors they like and disliked in their Family Teachers. The following list was generated:

48. LIKED BEHAVIORS: • Calm, pleasant voice tone • Offering or providing help • Joking • Positive feedback • Giving points • Explanations of how or what to do specifically • Giving of rationales • Fairness Concern Politeness • Being specific and getting to the point • Smiling

49. DISLIKED BEHAVIORS: • Describing only inappropriate behaviors Anger • Negative feedback • Profanity • Lack of understanding • Being bossy and demanding • Unfair point exchanges • Bad attitude • Unpleasant physical contact • Mean, insulting remarks • Not being given the opportunity to speak Shouting • Accusing • Blaming statements • Throwing objects • Unfriendliness

50. From this list of preferred social behaviors, it is possible to identify several behaviors that the Family Teachers ought to frequently use - even when correcting youth: • Be pleasant - use a calm voice tone. • Smile. • Say positive, complimentary things about any good thing the youth does. • Be specific. • Always explain alternative behaviors when correcting a youth. • Use motivational incentives or rewards for appropriate behaviors. • Joke with the youth when correcting him/her. • Tell her/him you are concerned. • Question him/her about the fairness of the consequence. • Always give her/him a reason why a consequence ought to be given. • These are preferred ways for the Family Teacher to behave even though he/she at times has to cons equate the youth.