Why Study Affairs?

1. Treating Affair Couples: An Integrative ApproachKristina Coop GordonUniversity of TennesseeIn collaboration with:Donald H. BaucomUniversity of North CarolinaDouglas K. SnyderTexas A&M University

2. Why Study Affairs? • Lifetime occurrence in oldest cohort: 37% men; 19% women (Laumann et al., 1994) • 40% of divorced men/44% of divorced women report extramarital sexual contact during marriage • 2nd leading cause of divorce for women and 3rd leading cause for men (Janus & Janus, 1993) • Therapists report as 3rd most difficult issue to treat (Whisman, Dixon, & Johnson, 1997)

3. What Is An Affair? • Physical non-monogamy: Occurs along a continuum of physical involvement • Emotional non-monogamy: Characterized by emotional intimacy, secrecy, or sexual chemistry • Betrayal: Violation of relational standard (implicit or explicit) regarding physical or emotional exclusivity

4. Infidelity: A Trauma Perspective • Violation of important standards or assumptions about the world or relationship (safety, commitment, trust, well-being of the individual) (Janoff-Bulman, 1992) • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) • Recurrent, intrusive, and distressing thoughts • Avoidance of activities, places, or persons associated with the trauma • Increased arousal (disturbances in sleep and concentration; hypervigilance)

5. Characteristics of Successful Process • Gaining a fuller and balanced understanding of event • Not remaining preoccupied with the traumatic events • Giving up the right to continuously punish the person who has “wronged” you • Deciding whether to maintain or terminate the relationship

6. Overview of Stage I: Absorbing the Blow • Thoughts • Assumptions about partner/self/relationship disrupted • Extreme, negative attributions • Perceptions of loss of control in the relationship • Emotions • Strong, overwhelming emotions such as anger, depression, and anxiety • May change daily or hourly • Behaviors • Strong need to question partner about his/her behavior - e.g., Why did he/she do it? What was he/she thinking? • Refuge -- or acts of revenge

7. Overview of Stage II: Giving Meaning • Thoughts • Gain a deeper understanding of what contributed to the affair and subsequent reactions • Explanations for the affair may change • Emotions • Intensity decreases • Control increases • Affected by changing explanations of the affair and response • Behaviors • Retributions by injured partner diminish • Restitution by participating partner may continue • Vacillations between retreat vs. engagement

8. Overview of Stage III: Moving Forward • Thoughts • More realistic perceptions of partner/self/relationship • More realistic expectations for the future • Emotions • May experience compassion for partner and ability to wish her/him well • Regain a sense of emotional safety which allows you to give up some of the anger and anxiety • Behaviors • Relinquish the right to punish partner further • Decision about future of the relationship • Enacting the actions needed to improve the relationship or to terminate it

9. Preliminary Outcome Findings • How does this intervention impact: • Symptoms of trauma and related individual distress? • Empathy and assumptions about one’s partner? • Relationship distress and commitment?

10. Study Method Participants: Six married couples having had sexual affair in past year; not ongoing • Excluded based on psychoticism, alcohol abuse, borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder • Recruited based on television stories, radio interviews, newspaper ads

11. PTSD Symptoms

12. Beck Depression Inventory

13. State - Anger

14. Negative Assumptions About Partner

15. Empathy

16. Global Forgiveness

17. Global Distress (MSI-R)

18. Global Commitment

19. Treatment Success • Injured partners’ forgiveness levels increased overall; their global marital distress and symptoms of individual distress decreased. • Across the four treatment periods, injured partners reported decreases in negative assumptions about their partners, consistent with predictions based on a forgiveness model. • Over time, injured partners reported less withdrawal from their partners.

20. Initial Assessment Process • Interview both partners together • Interview each partner separately • Injured partner • Participating partner • Provide initial tentative formulation to both partners together

21. Goals of the Initial Interview • Establish an atmosphere of safety • Establish an atmosphere of trust • Establish an atmosphere of competence • Expertise regarding affairs and recovery process • Prepare for subsequent sessions

22. Domains of the Initial Interview • Brief marital history • Current marital functioning • Individual functioning (screening only) • Immediate decisions and subjective timeline • Crisis containment

23. Domains of the Initial Interview Current marital functioning • Content and regulation of marital affect • Conflict engagement and level of containment • Intramarital boundaries • Extramarital boundaries

24. Domains of the Initial Interview Immediate decisions and subjective timeline • Whose decision to pursue couple therapy • Initial goals of couple therapy • Containment of negative exchanges • Evaluate potential for restoration • Work toward reconciliation • Beliefs about recovery process • How recoverable? How long? By what process?

25. Domains of the Initial Interview Contain immediate crises • Verbal or physical aggression • Immediate decisions regarding boundaries • Immediate self-care needs

26. Goals of Individual Interviews • Strengthen therapeutic alliances • Provide opportunity for self-disclosures • Obtain additional information: • Individual and marital histories • Current understanding of affair and recovery • Current individual functioning and needs • Individual crisis intervention and support

27. Domains of Individual Interviews Understanding of affair and recovery process • Beliefs about why the affair occurred • Expectancies regarding a recurrence • Attributions regarding affair: • Own behavior prior to and following disclosure • Partner’s behavior prior to and following disclosure • Expectancies regarding potential for recovery • Partners’ responsibilities in recovery process

28. Domains of Individual Interviews Follow-up on individual functioning • Affect: Content, intensity, lability • Cognitions: Content, intensity, consistency • Coping strategies: • Intrapersonal • Interpersonal • Additional attention to flashbacks • Individual crisis intervention and support

29. Goals of Follow-Up Interview Provide tentative formulation based on: • Marital history: Attachment and conflict • Situational stressors • Individual histories: • Potential vulnerabilities prior to the affair • Individual challenges following disclosure of affair • Resources for coping and recovering from affair • Summary of immediate challenges • Summary of overall strategy and next phase

30. Treatment Goals for Stage I • Re-establish some form of “equilibrium” for the couple and individuals • Minimize emotional upset and dysregulation • Establish behavioral routines • Minimize additional damage to either individual or the couple– “damage control” • Minimize hurtful behaviors between the partners • Minimize either partner creating problems with the outside world

31. Treatment Strategies for Stage I Re-establishing equilibrium • Couple • Set boundaries regarding 3rd person • Decide on new behavioral patterns (e.g., who sleeps where) • Discuss impact of affair • Individual • Deal with flashback-type phenomena • Use self-care strategies (e.g., exercise, diet, prayer, minimizing sexually-transmitted diseases)

32. Flashback Guidelines • Clarify whether emotional upset is due to something currently upsetting or re-experiencing feelings from past • Let your partner know what is happening (e.g., driving by the hotel triggered old feelings) • Let your partner know what you need at present (e.g., being held; being left alone; talking about it) • Balance how much you talk with partner about flashbacks with other ways to handle on your own

33. Treatment Strategies for Stage I Minimizing additional damage • Between partners • Problem-solve on issues such as physical violence or saying hurtful things • Discuss limits of what to discuss about affair (e.g., details of sexual behavior) • Between couple and outside world • Discuss limits of what to tell other people

34. Discussing Impact of the Affair • What assumptions have been violated about who your partner is and what to expect from your relationship? • What standards for your marriage (how partners should behave) have been violated? • What does the affair mean about your partner, the relationship, and you? • What emotions are you experiencing, and what ideas go with those feelings? • Given these thoughts and feelings, what behaviors have changed or have been disrupted?

35. Brian and Angela – Summary • Brian 29, injured partner; Angela 26, participating partner • Married 6 years; sons ages 3 and 1 • Affair – two months’ duration. • Marital history and shared work history. • Individual histories: • Angela: Adopted, mother died age 18 • Brian: Oldest of 3 siblings; college drop-out

36. Treatment Goals for Stage II • Identify factors that potentially contributed to “vulnerability” or “risk” of affair • For injured partner: Restore predictability and soften view of participating partner • For participating partner: Expand explanatory context while promoting responsibility for decision • Prepare groundwork for additional change

37. Treatment Strategies for Stage II • Present rationale • Potential benefits and risks of doing this • Examine potential factors successively • Relationship factors • Stressors from outside the marriage • Individual susceptibilities or contributions • Participating partner • Injured partner • Develop shared, comprehensive formulation

39. Rationale for Exploring Context • For injured partner • Restores predictability • Potentially “softens” view of participating partner • Contributes to appropriate self-view • For participating partner • Broadens explanations for hurtful behavior • Contributes to appropriate self-view • For couple • May facilitate collaborative efforts at addressing marital and outside factors

40. Challenges to Stage II • Confusing “understanding” with “excusing” • Reactivity of injured partner • Reluctance to examine marital or own factors • Preoccupation with “why” • Reactivity of participating partner • Reluctance to hurt injured partner further • Intolerance for sustained distress • Differences in subjective time-lines

41. Preparing a Formulation • Emphasize multiple contributing factors • Vulnerabilities or risks from multiple domains • Both historical (developmental) and recent • Different factors at different stages of affair • Cite reductions in risk already achieved • Propose additional steps to be pursued

42. Treatment Goals for Stage III • Consolidating work done in Stage II • Discussing forgiveness and blocks to forgiving or “moving on” • Deciding whether or not to continue the relationship • Either making the necessary changes to rebuild the relationship or working on an amicable termination

43. Treatment Strategies for Stage III Consolidating work from Stage II • Each partner writes a “narrative” of the affair • Discuss the narrative in session • Discuss how their understanding has changed since they began treatment • Couple identifies what needs to change in the relationship, based on what they have learned • Therapist summarizes and gives feedback

44. Treatment Strategies for Stage III Discussing “forgiveness,” “letting go,” or “moving on” • Assess/discuss couple’s beliefs about forgiveness • Discuss how forgiveness fits with work done in previous sessions • Discuss whether they feel ready to move on and to forgive and what that means to them • If not ready, discuss “blocks” to forgiveness • Address pro/cons of forgiving/not forgiving

45. Common Beliefs about Forgiveness • Forgiveness means reconciliation • Forgiveness means excusing the partner or saying what happened does not matter • Forgiveness means forgetting or no longer feeling any anger about what has happened • Forgiveness is weak or condoning what happened • Forgiveness must be granted immediately, particularly if person has apologized • One should not/must not forgive one’s partner for certain types of betrayals: affairs, violence, lies ...

46. Our Model of Forgiveness • Forgiveness is not: • Excusing or forgetting the affair • Reconciling • An immediate or one-time event • Forgiveness is: • A process • An opportunity to gain in understanding about your partner, your relationship, and yourself • A release from being dominated by negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors

47. Treatment Strategies for Stage III Deciding whether to continue relationship • Again discuss changes that would need to occur for relationship to continue • Discuss evidence supporting their ability to make the desired changes • Discuss partner’s motivation and willingness to make the changes • Help them think through what they wish to do

48. Preparing a Formulation • Emphasize multiple contributing factors • Vulnerabilities or risks from multiple domains • Both historical (developmental) and recent • Different factors at different stages of affair • Cite reductions in risk already achieved • Propose additional steps to be pursued

49. Formulation for Brian and Angela • Relationship strengths • Basis of attraction, initial maintenance • Initial stressors and responses to these • Escalation of tensions, relationship erosion • Additional contributing factors • Implications for reducing vulnerability • Communication changes • Balance of relational roles

50. Questions for Evaluating the Relationship • Is the affair isolated event or ongoing pattern? • Has participating partner been able to make difficult changes in the past? • Has the injured partner been able to make similar changes? • Has participating partner accepted appropriate responsibility for actions? • Are both partners willing to make the necessary changes? In themselves? In the relationship?