Tools for Couples Demonstrating How to Develop GREAT Relationships

1. Tools for CouplesDemonstrating How to Develop GREAT Relationships • H. Gray Otis, PhD, LCMHC, DCMHS-Trauma • Utah Mental Health Counselors Association Conference – March, 2019

2. Presenters • Sandi Williams, MS, MA, LMFT • Specialist in trauma resolution and family counseling • She has co-facilitated a residential treatment program • Private practice – owner of the Meadows Counseling, adjunct professor at Utah Valley University • Gray Otis, PhD, LCMHC, CCMHC, DCMHS-T • AMHCA Diplomate, Clinical Mental Health Specialist in Trauma • He has been the clinical director of residential and intensive out patient treatment programs • Private practice – owner Vanguard Behavioral Health

3. The Family Systems Exercise

4. Key Core Beliefs Arise from Relationships For example, a teacher says to one student, “You are getting it.” This reinforces a Positive Core Belief such as, “I am smart.” The teacher tells another student, “You need to work a little harder.” This might create a Negative Core Belief such as, “I am not smart, I am slow.” Constructive interactions help us develop our Positive Core Beliefs. Unfavorable interactions contribute to creating Negative Core Beliefs. Many of the most important Key Core Beliefs that make up our Self-Belief Identity originate in childhood and adolescent relationships. The development of Key Core Beliefs continues throughout our lives.

5. How Key Core Beliefs Act as Filters Each event in our lives is influenced by our previous Key Core Beliefs and the emotions related to these deeply held convictions. As we perceive a new experience, our Key Core Beliefs immediately filter and influence our perceptions of the event. To illustrate:

6. Shelley’s Story Said to her CMHC: “No matter what I do, I always make a mess of things for myself and everyone else.” • Met her future husband, Sam, and married him in 10 weeks. • He was not who she thought he was. Her Negative Core Belief was, “I made a mess – married him too soon.” • Doctor-shopped and regularly used opioid medications. • Married 14 years with three children. • Bitter with Sam but primarily criticized herself and held herself responsible. • Central Negative Core Belief: “I am a horrible wife and mother – I am horrible” What are your thoughts?

7. Shelley’s Positive Belief Development It took about two months of concentrated effort on her part to replace her problematic Negative Core Beliefs with Positive Core Beliefs 1. Becoming aware of her Negative Core Belief – ”I am horrible.” 2. Creating a realistic alternative Positive Core Belief – “I am capable.” 3. Acting to support the Positive Core Beliefs – “I’ll text Sam to let him know I’m thinking of him.” 4. Practicing – “I am going to do this every day, no matter what.” She processed unresolved ACE related traumatic distress through EMDR and CBT She used CBT tools to confront her negative automatic thinking and behaviors She learned how to create a G R E A T partnering friendship with Sam

8. G R E A T Partnering Friendships Am I Genuine?Do I demonstrate that I am genuine by being sincere, open, and honest so that others can trust me and be at ease with me? Am I Respectful? Do I respect the rights of others to make their own choices even when I disagree? Am I Empathetic?Do I express deep empathy for others by really listen to them and by striving to understand them? Am I Accepting? Do I fully accept others, as they are, without criticizing or imposing my expectations, values, or judgments on them? Am I Trustful? Do I believe in the basic good-hearted intentions of others by acknowledging the best about them?

9. The effectiveness of any relationship can be assessed – even the degree of love.

10. Added Positive Core Beliefs As we become more skilled in the G R E A T qualities, they influence our primary Self-Belief Identity. Each quality is a Positive Core Belief;

11. Added Positive Core Beliefs As we become more skilled in the G R E A T qualities, they influence our primary Self-Belief Identity. Each quality is a Positive Core Belief; I am genuine. I am respectful. I am empathetic.Positive Core Beliefs I am accepting. I am trustful.

12. Even More Positive Core Beliefs • If I am genuine, I am honest, I am sincere, I am open, I am authentic. • If I am respectful, I am considerate, I am reasonable. • If I am empathetic, I am caring, I listen, I am understanding (an unlocking key). • If I am accepting, I am affirming and nonjudging. • If I am trustful, I am encouraging, I am believing, and have faith in others. • All of these Positive Core Beliefs reinforce – I am worthy to be loved.

13. Effective Treatment Shame/Fear/Isolation Love/Empathy/Connection 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 On a scale from 1 to 7, how much of your life is lived with love, empathy, and connections?

14. The Impact • The effectiveness of our relationships significantly impacts our overall health and wellness • The 100% guarantee: • I am becoming more genuine • I am becoming more respectful • I am becoming more empathetic • I am becoming more accepting • I am becoming more trustful • The 90% guarantee

15. Results • We can teach those whom we work with to develop G R E A T skills • Individuals can develop better relationships • With hope and encouragement, • we can all have more fulfilling lives, worthy to be loved

16. Questions?

17. Gray Otis, PhD, LCMHC • gray_otis@yahoo.com • 801-885-8585