Perspectives on Conflict

1. Perspectives on Conflict Chapter Two

2. The Office • Conflict resolution

3. Do you jump right into conflict or strenously avoid it? • We all weigh the costs and benefits of bringing up something that may well be awkward, unpleasant, or frightening

4. Systems of Conflict • Avoidant, where members avoided most conflict • Collaborative, where members used collaboration • Aggressive, where members engaged in a lot of overt yelling, calling of names, and similar aggressive moves

5. Avoidant Systems • Conflict doesn’t exist, and if it does, don’t recognize it • If there is a conflict, figure out what to do about it on your own • Don’t tell anyone else if there is a struggle • Walk away if something starts to brew • Don’t ever raise your voice • Snide comments are fine • Sulking and the silent treatment are necessary strategies • If someone has a concern, don’t respond to it • Don’t express strong feelings

6. Collaborative Systems • Have meetings or mealtime chats to discuss issues • Use good listening skills when someone has a concern • Deal with people directly • Say openly what you are feeling • Help is offered in resolving children’s or employee’s conflicts • Regular interaction is important • Dirty tricks such as sulking are not allowed • Strong feelings are seen as normal and are allowed

7. Aggressive Systems • Survival of the fittest describes the general climate • Be brutally honest regardless of the impact • Show your emotions strongly even if that hurts someone • Establish your position early • Have an audience present when you engage someone • Don’t back down – hold your ground no matter what • If someone attacks you have to fight back • People who don’t engage are weak

8. Personal History • Our personal history in our families of origin will have a big impact on what we choose to do when conflict starts to rumble below the surface in our relationships • Includes all of our interactions with others up to the present

9. Exercise #1 • List the 10 most important influences on your personal response to conflict, in order of importance

10. Conflict • What words would you use when you hear conflict?

11. Negative View of Conflict • Many people view conflict as an activity that is almost completely negative and has no redeeming qualities • Let’s look at negative views of conflict

12. Negative Views of Conflict • Harmony is normal and conflict is abnormal • Conflict constitutes a breakdown in communication • Communication and disagreements are the same thing • Conflict is a result of personal pathology • People’s behaviors should be described, not their personalities • Conflict should never be escalated

13. Negative Views of Conflict, cont. • Conflict interaction should be polite and orderly • Productive conflict is often chaotic and confusing • A good conflict is not necessarily a nice conflict, although the more people use productive communication, the more likely that the conflict will both solve problems and help the relationship go forward • Anger is the only emotion in conflict interaction

14. Emotions in Conflict • What emotions are most common for you when you experience conflict? • Think about conflict with • Family • Roommate/spouse • Romantic • Work What are the most common emotions in these areas? List them out

15. Negative Views of Conflict, cont. • A correct method for resolving differences can be prescribed • Conflict should be viewed as multilayered

16. Positive Approaches to Conflict • Conflict is inevitable; therefore, the constructive way to approach conflict is as a “fact of life” • Conflict serves the function of “bringing problems to the table” • Conflict often helps people join together and clarify their goals • Conflict can function to clear out resentments and help people understand each other

17. Positive Approaches to Conflict, cont • Conflict can function to clear out resentments and help people understand each other

18. Use of Metaphors to Describe Conflict • Finish the sentences: • Conflict in my family is like . . . • Conflict in my workplace is like . . .

19. Win-Lose Metaphors • Conflict is warlike and violent • He attacked me where I’m most vulnerable • Conflict is bullying • I’ve been emasculated • Conflict is explosive • Larry’s got a short fuse. He’s about to blow! • The exploder may feel better after a release of pressure; the people living in the vicinity may feel blown away • Conflict is a trial • The jury is still out, Your accusing me . . .

20. Win-Lose Metaphors, cont. • Conflict is a struggle • Sometimes expressed as a power struggle, or a struggle to get “one up” • Conflict is an act of nature • Uncontrollable act of nature such as a hurricane, tornado or such • Conflict is animal behavior • Stubborn as a mule • Conflict is a mess • A messy conflict usually means one that is full of personal, emotional attachments

21. Win-Lose Metaphors • Conflict is communication breakdown • Talk to a brick wall

22. Neutral or Objective Metaphors • Conflict is a game • Toss the ball into his court • Conflict is a heroic adventure • Dragon slayer, knight in shining armor • Conflict is a balancing act • Tightrope walker or a rock climber

23. Transformative Metaphors • We may use our imagination to move out of the negative perspective of conflict into understanding conflict as an opportunity to change the way interactions proceeds

24. Transformative Metaphors • Conflict is a bargaining table • Come to the table, negotiation • Conflict is a tide • Conflict ebbs and flows • Conflict is a dance • Learning to dance to the same music • Conflict is a garden • Seeds are planted for future growth, pests are managed, weeds are pulled, and the garden is watered as needed.

25. Transformative Metaphors, cont. • Conflict resolution as quilt making • Piecing together a resolution • Conflict as musical improvisation • An idea might be brought forth and others add to it

26. Exercise #2 • Page 56, Application 2.9

27. The Lens Model of Conflict • The communicative acts of each person • The meanings attached to those acts by each person: • Each person’s view of self • Each person’s views of the other • The meanings the two people ascribe to their relationship: • Past events • Current events • Future projections

28. The Lens Model of Conflict • Meaning is created through the interactions • All behavior is up for interpretation • We use a different lens for viewing ourselves than we do for viewing others • People’s views of self, other, and relationship are always, to some degree, distorted

29. The Lens Model of Conflict • If during the first big fight the individuals develop a shared view of what happened, their relationship is more likely to survive • Without interaction with the other, the only “information” you have is what is going on in your mind – your filter doesn’t have a chance to get corrected

30. Exercise #3 • Think back to a difficult issue that was made more difficult by perceptions that colored the experience. Remember a time when you were certain that the other person’s motivation was harmful to you. How did you react as a result of this assumption? What was the outcome? What happened to the relationship?

31. Gender Effects • Gender, both how we see ourselves and how we see others, has an impact on conflict behavior because it is so fundamental • Women are more likely to avoid conflict. • Men are more likely than women to take control of the conversation to lead it in the direction they want

32. Gender Effects • In Western culture, girls and women are seen as valuing connection with others, the communication of care and responsiveness, and the preservation of the relationship • Boys and men are seen as valuing autonomy and independence more highly, learning to communicate in ways that preserve their independence from others

33. Gender Filters • Women tend to see the self-in-relationship, with everyone affecting everyone else • Men are more likely to see the self as independent, not as connected to specific relationships • Gender filters also affect our understanding of conflict because our filters may affect our behaviors

34. Cultural Effects • Individualistic vs. Collectivistic approaches • Look at Table 2.1, page 66

35. Cultural Filters • If we want to make more accurate attributions and meanings of others’ behavior, we need to translate, interpret, and become fluent in several “conflict dialects”

36. Interests and Goals Chapter Three

37. Interests and Goals • In every conflict, the interdependence of the parties is built on both common and disparate goals, but the parties often perceive only the disparate goals • Most conflict participants initially lack goal clarity; participants only discover their goals through experiencing conflict with the other participants

38. Types of Goals • Topic or content • Relational • Identity • Process

39. Topic Goals • What does the person want?

40. Exercise #4 • Select three different relationship contexts such as school, work, friendship, and romantic relationship • For each relationship, list the “topics” that typically arise in disputes • Compare the list of topics across the three relationships

41. Relational Goals • Who are we in relationship to each other during our interaction? • Relational goals are at the heart of all conflict interactions yet are difficult to specify from the outside (and sometimes from the inside as well)

42. Exercise #5 • Take two important relationships to you, for example, a parent, romantic partner, life-long friend, or other personal relationship. Think of a time when you were upset at how he or she treated you. Then list the relational issues that arose

43. Identity, or Face-Saving, Goals • Who am I in this particular interaction? • Interaction goals include specific desires to maintain one’s sense of self-identity • Page 78, Application 3.3

44. Face-Saving • Claim unjust intimidation • Refuse to step back from a position • Suppress conflict issues

45. Restoring lost face • Help others increase their sense of self-esteem • Avoid giving directives • Listen carefully to others and take their concerns into account • Ask questions so the other person can examine his or her goals

46. Process Goals • What communication process would work best?

47. Overlapping Nature of TRIP Goals • Feature 1: Not all types of goals emerge in all disputes • Feature 2: Interests and goals overlap with one another and differ in primacy • Feature 3: Identity and relational issues are the “drivers” of disputes; they underlie topic and process issues • Who you are with others is related to how the relationship is conducted

48. Overlapping Nature, cont • Feature 4: In a serious dispute, topic-only solutions are rarely satisfying to conflict parties • Feature 5: Conflict parties often specialize in one kind of goal • Feature 6: Goals may emerge in a different form

49. Goals Change in Interaction • Goals don’t stay static but undergo transformation before, during, and after disputes

50. Three types of Goals • Prospective Goals – before interacting with a person • Transactive Goals – during the interaction itself • Retrospective Goals – after the conflict