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Welcome to the Roommate Relationship training module brought to you by Reslife.Net. To advance the module, use your mouse and click on the individual screens in this presentation. We hope this tool is helpful to you in understanding the typical university response to a roommate conflict, as well as how to help your student establish positive roommate relationships.This is only one of many resources available to you. For more personal assistance, please contact your housing and residence life office directly.
Typical University Responses to a Roommate Conflict and How to Help Your Student By Jody Donovan, Director of Student Transitions and Parent & Family Programs, Colorado State University Brought to you by: Reslife.Net, Ltd. as a part of The Roommate Resource Service
Roommate conflicts are stressful for your student, for you as a parent, and also for the university staff that are involved in helping your student resolve their conflict.
Roommate Conflicts: A Primer for Parents & Families This module will provide information about: • How to help your student minimize roommate conflicts • How to support your student during a roommate conflict • Typical college and university responses to roommate conflicts
Why are Roommate Experiences Important? Although living with a stranger may be at times challenging for your student…it also provides terrific opportunities to learn and acquire life long skills that relate to… communication assertiveness negotiation patience tolerance
Learning to become a good roommate serves as a basis for becoming a good friend, co-worker, neighbor and spouse.Living with roommates teaches your student that within every relationship, there are always multiple truths and perceptions of reality... If your student experiences a roommate conflict understand that their perceptions on the conflict can be very different than the perspective of their roommate, which is one of the reasons why roommate conflicts are often very difficult to resolve.
Consider Bob and Mike, who are new roommates: • A couple of weeks after move-in Mike goes to brush his teeth and realizes he is out of toothpaste. Bob’s toothbrush and toothpaste are nicely stacked in their usual place on the vanity. Mike shares a bathroom at home with other siblings and everyone shares, no problem, so he “borrows” some paste from Bob and sets the tube back down on the counter, expecting to pick up a new tube for himself later.
That evening… Bob goes to brush his teeth. He notices that his toothbrush is not where he left it and the toothpaste tube is not rolled up tightly the way he left it that morning. “Someone has been using my toothpaste!” “It had to be Mike, but why would he touch my stuff?” Bob begins to wonder what other belongings he has that Mike is borrowing. “Is Mike to cheap to buy his own stuff?” “Did he use my toothbrush too!” Bob is frustrated but he decides not to ask Mike. Instead, he moves his toothbrush and toothpaste to the shelf inside his closet.
The next morning… Mike is back to brush his teeth but he never got the chance to stop and buy a new tube of paste. He reaches to borrow Bob’s again, but it’s not there. “Where did it go?” “Why would Bob move it?” The thought strikes him; did he move it because I used it yesterday? “That must be it.” What a cheapskate! Every time he wants to play my Xbox or watch a movie on my VCR, I don’t even question it. Mike decides to investigate further. He opens Bob’s closet door and sees the toothpaste. “That jerk!” “I’ll show him.” Mike leaves Bob’s toothpaste alone but goes next door to see if he can borrow some from one of the other guys on the corridor. He tells the guys next door how cheap his roommate is, and how Bob hid his toothpaste from him. After he brushes his teeth, he returns to the room and disconnects the wires for his Xbox and VCR, and places them in his own closet.
A little later… Bob comes back from class. He sees Mike talking to the guys in the next room. They look at him and laugh, and then duck into their room. Bob goes into his own room wondering what is going on. He decides to take a break and watch the end of the movie he fell asleep watching last night. He notices Mike has removed the Tape from the VCR and he picks it up and tries to start the tape. It does not seem to be working. He looks to see if it is connected, and notices that some of the wires are missing. Mike walks in, he looks annoyed. Bob is still mad at him about the toothpaste incident so he does not say hello. Mike does not speak either. The silence makes both of them more annoyed at one another and so Bob takes his tape and goes down the hall to another friend’s room to visit. He sees the guys next door; they still seem to be laughing about something.
Over the next few weeks… The tension in the room has grown pretty heavy. Bob and Mike are both stompin’ mad, and hardly talk to one another. They both seem to be doing things to annoy the other and they are both talking to other friends on their residence hall floor about what a jerk their roommate is. When Bob’s girlfriend comes to visit for the weekend, Mike is not very friendly to her and after she leaves, Bob decides he has had enough. Bob calls his parents. He has been telling them already all the rude things that Mike is doing. He tells them Mike is using his personal belongings, refusing to share items in the room that they had agreed to use jointly when they moved in, like the VCR, and that Mike is spreading nasty stories about him to the other students on the floor. The situation has become unbearable and Bob asks his parents for help.
If you are Bob’s parents, what are you going to do? • Call the university and demand that Mike be moved? • Call and demand that Bob be moved? Did this really start over a simple tube of toothpaste? Yes…believe it or not, roommate conflicts start over things like this all the time…
Roommate conflicts negatively impact a student’s ability to adjust to life in the residence hall and campus, which is why they should be avoided if at all possible.The good news is that there are things that you can do to help your student maximize success and live compatibly with a roommate. Let’s spend some time thinking about these things…
Supporting the Development of Positive Roommate Relationships
The good news is that as a parent you can support the development of a positive roommate relationship for your student. The best part is…you can help before the toothpaste is squeezed out of the tube!
Ideas... If your university has encouraged you to review this module prior to the start of the academic year, encourage your student to spend time getting to know their roommate over the summer through visits, e-mail, phone calls, and instant messaging.
Ideas... Help your student think in terms of the issues that are important to them in their roommate relationship and their living situation. It is important that your student process and understand the things about their roommate relationship that might be “non-negotiable”. These are things that will never be okay in the relationship verses things that might be open for negotiation. A solid understanding of this information will assist your student when having discussions with their roommate about how they will live together successfully.
If the academic year has already begun, encourage your student to spend time with their roommate in and out of the room, discussing backgrounds, hobbies, likes, dislikes, relationship expectations, as well as their hopes, dreams, and fears about their college experience. Through dialogue your student and their roommate will begin to build common ground for their similarities. A good understanding of similarities will help the roommates more successfully manage the areas where they differ. If Mike and Bob had spent a little more time getting to know one another, Mike might have known to leave Bob a note when he used his toothpaste, or Bob might have felt more comfortable confronting Mike about it, without worrying about rocking the boat. Ideas...
Ideas... Keep things in perspective and do not escalate the conflict. It is very difficult as a parent to receive the news that your student is having problems with their roommate. You need to empathize with their situation, while keeping in mind that you are only getting one side of the story in regards to the conflict (and there is another parent out there potentially getting an earful about your student!). As negative as the conflict may be, there is a silver lining…your student will be challenged to grow and develop as a result of this experience. Encourage them in a positive way, but balance this with not escalating the situation. Encourage them to begin the process of looking at the situation from the perspective of their roommate.
Ideas... Listen, Listen, Listen! Ask thoughtful questions to allow your student to come to their own solutions. As a parent, it is possible to be too interested in solving the problems of your student. As opposed to giving advice on what you would do, encourage your student to brainstorm potential solutions to their problem, and help them determine appropriate courses of action that they can take to resolve the problem.
Ideas... Be positive and convey your belief that things will be resolved eventually. Your student may be highly emotionally charged and upset by the conflict that they are experiencing. Be a constant reassuring voice that communicates the eventual resolution of the conflict. Although a distraction and annoyance, a roommate conflict is not a life or death situation, although they can create high levels of stress and anxiety.
Ideas... Share your own experiences about conflict and how you successfully navigated differences… It is good for your student to hear from you about how you have experienced conflicts (perhaps roommate or other), and what you did to resolve the conflict. Share your life experiences if they can help your student with perspective and gaining information to help resolve the conflict, but balance this with an understanding that the discussion is about your student, not you.
Proactively encourage your student to establish a formalized agreement with their roommate. Most colleges and universities provide these forms to residents, and encourage them to fill the form out at the start of the academic year. The roommate agreement formalizes the expectations that roommates have for each other, as expectations are discussed and placed in writing. These roommate agreements hold students accountable for themselves, each other, and their guests.This is an important process for proactively establishing positive roommate relations, and it should be done as early in the semester as is possible.Feel free to discuss this process with your school administrator. Ideas... More on roommate agreements later…
Ideas... Direct your student to his or her resident assistant (RA) – as issues can be addressed more quickly if the RA is notified right away. The resident assistant (RA) is a student as well, who has been specially selected and trained to assist your student with issues related to on-campus living. The RA is the first line of intervention in a roommate conflict, and your student should speak with the RA directly if they are experiencing problems with their roommate.
More about the RA… • Typical RA Responsibilities • Role model • Resource and referral source • Friend & guide • “Ears & eyes” for the professional residence hall staff • Policy enforcer • Community builder *RAs are typically one or two years older than their residents, and full-time students. They cannot solve problems, but they can help students solve their own problems.
When involved in a conflict, roommates can respond assertively, aggressively, and passively. It is important to discourage non-assertive and aggressive behaviors if your student calls to discuss a roommate conflict with you. Let’s spend some time exploring these responses in more detail…
Sometimes students are passive-aggressive… Talking to friends and floor-mates about the problem, rather than with the roommate Exaggerating the problem Being deceptive or “two-faced” Being manipulative toward the roommate Communicating indirectly rather than directly Characterized by “steel knuckles inside a velvet glove” The telling of stories…
Sometimes students are aggressive inroommate conflicts… Violating each other’s rights Humiliating each other Putting each other down Being abusive emotionally or verbally Dominating each other Inflicting deliberate harm on each other Enhancing oneself at the expense of the other
Or passive… Self-denying Acting as a “doormat” Being emotionally dishonest with oneself Being inhibited Allowing others to choose for oneself Allowing one’s rights to be violated
It is easy to think that your student would never respond in the ways I just described…but you need to be aware of the possibility they might. Sometimes what students tell their parents is very different than the reality of the situation, and when this happens it creates a situation where the student is telling their parents one thing and university administrators another.
As a parent, you should encourage your student to use assertive communication, the best strategy for effective communication. Encourage Assertive Communication During roommate conflicts, it is critical that both roommates communicate assertively, stating their concerns as well as their suggestions for collaborating toward a mutually acceptable solution. • Being Assertive means… • Making one’s own choices • Being honest • Taking responsibility for oneself • Standing up for oneself • Asking for what one wants • Caring about oneself as well as caring for others
As part of their standard operating procedures, many housing programs require students to establish formalized roommate agreements, that outline how students will live agreeably together. This process may be facilitated by the resident assistant (RA), and usually happens at the very start of the academic year.
How does the roommate agreement process work?The process is facilitated by the floor resident assistant, typically at the start of the academic year and sometimes discussed at the first floor meetingRoommates discuss topics by sharing opinions and listening to each other’s preferencesRoommates find common ground - the area for agreement through negotiationRoommates discuss how they will communicate concerns to each other regarding unacceptable behavior in the roomRoommates set a trial period and a day/time for revisiting the agreement to make changes
Academic goals Roommate relationship expectations Studying in the room Socializing in the room Use of space in the room Sleeping & waking rituals Sharing purchased food & supplies Cleanliness of the room Music tastes Financial responsibilities Privacy within the room Guests in the room Sharing belongings Time spent together As part of the roommate agreement process, your student should discuss the following issues with their roommate.
After the roommate agreement is established… • Encourage your student to communicate any concerns that they may be having with their roommate right away. Even if problems are minor, they need to be addressed right away to keep them from escalating. Consider how differently Mike and Bob’s situation might have been if they had talked about it that first day. • Encourage your student to use the 5-year rule: in 5 years, will this really matter? If not, encourage your student to let it go. This may seem contradictory, but it works! Decide what is important and focus on that. Even if something seems small, it can be a source of irritation that grows over time. Or, perhaps it can be ignored and forgotten, if put in perspective. For both Mike and Bob, if either of them could have let the matter go after the first slight, without taking further steps against their roommate, the problem would most likely have passed and not escalated.
Let’s start out with a definition of conflict… Conflict is a condition that exists when two or more people express incompatible ideas or have goals that are not mutually supportive.
Although your student experiences a degree of stress when involved with conflict...it is a daily reality that is experienced at home, at work, while driving, while with friends, with family, and with oneself.
Sources of Conflict • Differences over perceptions of reality • Differences over facts • Differences over goals • Differences over methods • Differences over values • Communication: misunderstandings, nonverbal & verbal • Personal behavior or idiosyncrasies
There are important rights that need to be acknowledged in a roommate conflict. If involved in a conflict, your student, and their roommate, has the following rights… • The right to ask for what one wants • The right to change one’s mind • The right to say “no” without feeling guilty • The right to be listened to and to be taken seriously • The right to be treated with respect
Housing staff walk a fine line in working to balance the rights of both roommates. As a parent you feel concerned when your student is involved in a conflict, and it may be easy to become emotionally involved in both your perceptions on the conflict and your desired outcome.Keep in mind that both your student and their roommate will have rights, and that the housing staff who are working to resolve the conflict will be working to maintain the rights of all parties concerned.
There are several strategies one can employ to successfully deal with conflict. The following is a strategy used by numerous housing professionals across the nation and can be adapted for use in nearly any conflict situation.
Step One: Separate the people from the problem By focusing on the issues rather than each other, roommates can work through their disagreement without damaging their relationship. Encourage them to think of each other as partners in negotiation, agreeing to some ground rules prior to beginning, and respecting one another by asking for a time out if emotions get hot. Fisher, R. , Ury, W., & Patton, B. (1991) Getting to Yes. New York: Penguin Books.
Step Two: Focus on interests, not positions A “position is something you have decided upon. Your interests are what caused you to so decide,” according to Fisher and Ury, authors of Getting to Yes (1991, p. 42). Usually at least one person loses when people focus on positions rather than interests (and often both lose!). Encourage roommates to identify their interests and work to understand each other’s motivations clearly. If they look forward to desired solutions rather than focusing on past events, they are more apt to create multiple solutions that benefit both parties. Fisher, R. , Ury, W., & Patton, B. (1991) Getting to Yes. New York: Penguin Books.
Step Three: Invent Options for Mutual Gain This is the brainstorming phase for roommates and it is important to remember that evaluation comes later. By focusing on shared interests, they can avoid win-lose options. Creativity is rewarded as roommates make proposals that may be appealing to the other person and hold limited negative impacts for oneself. Fisher, R. , Ury, W., & Patton, B. (1991) Getting to Yes. New York: Penguin Books.
Step Four: Use Objective Criteria for Evaluation If the solutions are not balanced, it may be helpful to seek objective criteria from a mutually agreed upon expert or source (a policy or law, the resident assistant, etc.). Encourage your student to make the agreement specific and measurable, to keep an open mind, and be reasonable when considering options. Fisher, R. , Ury, W., & Patton, B. (1991) Getting to Yes. New York: Penguin Books.
