Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

1. Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood Chapter 11

2. Friendship • Based in feeling, reciprocity, choice • Less emotionally, intense than romantic • Help self-esteem, self-awareness, self-respect • Facilitate socialization in adulthood

3. Adult Friends • Stages (ABCDE) • Acquaintanceship • Buildup • Continuation • Deterioration • Ending • A-B depends on similarity, communication, importance of relationship • E depends on availability of alternatives

4. Adult Friends • More friends in young adulthood than at any other time • Critical during adulthood as life satisfaction linked w/ quality of friends • Help manage stress • Linked w/ longevity

5. Adult Friends • 3 broad themes underlay adult friends • Affective component • Self-disclosure, intimacy, affection, support, trust, loyalty, commitment • Communal nature • Participate in supportive activities • Sociability • Friends are source of fun, recreation

6. Siblings As Friends • Important relationship for most • Peaks during adolescence & late life • At all times women place more importance

7. Gender Differences: Friends • Women • Friendships based on intimacy, emotional sharing, disclosure of personal matters • More relationships than men • Men • Friendships based on shared activities or interests (e.g, sports) & competition • Less intimacy & disclosure

8. Love • Sternberg • Passion • Intimacy • Commitment • In a lasting love relationship • Passion high early I & C low (but I rising fast) • Passion fades, I stabilizes & C rises

9. Falling In Love • Assortative Mating • Similarity predictions attraction • Only to a point • Only for key, important dimensions • Religion, sex, politics, physical appearance

10. Falling In Love • Compatibility leads to application of 3 filters (Murstein) • Stimulus • Appearance, social class, manners match? • Values • Values match? • Role • Ideas about relationship, communication style gender roles match • All YES = couple formation

11. Abusive Relationships • Continuum of aggression • Verbal - physical - severe - murder • Less severe common • 25%-40% of relationships display less severe physical abuse (punching, slapping) occasionally • Severe less common • Usually long pattern of abuse of male partner

12. Abusive Relationships • Cause of abuse depends on type of abuse • Verbal: need to control, jealousy, misuse of power (all also impact more severe forms of abuse) • Physical: abused as child, alcohol, positive attitudes towards violence, aggressive temperament (all also impact more severe forms of abuse) • Severe/murder: personality disorder, emotional instability, poor self-esteem

13. Abusive Relationships • Cause also depends on gender • Need for control, power, jealousy M > W • Culture key as well • Cultures valuing female honor, passivity, nurturing, loyal supporters of higher-status males more accepting of abuse

14. Lifestyle • Singlehood • ~80% men 20-24 single • ~70% women 20-24 single • Some career focused early in adulthood • More difficult for single women than men • Social pressure stronger on women to marry • Men marry later • 2x as many African Americans single in young adulthood

15. Singlehood • Never married women in 30s • Acute distress & wish to be married OR • Emotionally volatile OR • Happy single • When does one decide to be single? • Gradual process for most

16. Singlehood • Advantages & disadvantages • Greater freedom • More lonely • Men: higher mortality, alcoholism, suicide rates • Women: more vulnerable to violent crime & extra duties at work

17. Cohabitation • Dramatic increase in past 30 years • Most are 25-44 (v. > 45 in 1970s) • 3 primary reasons for cohabitation • Limited: convenience ($, sexual access, no commitment) • Premarital: trial marriage • Substitute marriage: long-term commitment w/o marriage

18. Cohabitation • Cultural differences abound • Sweden: 99% of couples live together before marriage & 25% unmarried • China: cohabitation rare • Impacts on marital success • Reduces marital satisfaction • Increases risk of divorce

19. Gay & Lesbian Couples • In most ways they are similar to heterosexual couples • Some differences do emerge • Less likely to argue about • Values, social-political issues • More likely to argue about • Trust, former lovers

20. Gay & Lesbian Couples • Gender differences more key • Men: separate sex & love, have more short term relationships • Women: connect sex w/ love, have fewer, longer lasting relationships • Gay couples report less family support • Legal system fails to recognize rights of gay partners

21. Marriage • Median age increased in past 30 years • Younger you marry higher risk of divorce • < 20 3x higher rate than 20s & 6x higher rate than 30s • Factors predicting marital success • Identity • Homogamy (similarity) • Perceived equality (fair exchange)

22. Marital Happiness • Peaks & valleys • Generally happiest early & late • Drops during children • Rises after children leave home • Best if dependence is equal for both partners

23. Keeping a Marriage Happy? • Make time • Express love • Be there in times of need • Constructive communication • Show interest • Confide • Forgive, understand

24. Family Life Cycle • Having children bring benefits & problems • Personal satisfaction/needs, etc • Financial, personal sacrifices • Decision to have kids impacted by Fs

25. Having Children? • Feminine intrapsychic determinants • Relationship w/ parents, flexibility, feminine identification • Marriage determinants • Stability, support satisfaction, stress management

26. Having Children? • Career determinants • Responsibility, satisfaction, change possible • Lifestyle determinants • $, child-free relationship, comparison group

27. Parental Role • Currently couples have fewer kids later • Older mothers more affectionate, sensitive • Older fathers more invested, spends more time w/ child • Being a parent very stressful • New responsibilities • Changes relationship (ALL about child) • Worse for mother (especially is she works) • Men spend ~44% of the time raising kids v. moms

28. Single Parents • Mostly women due to • Divorce • Keeping child out of wedlock • Ethnic differences: 70% AA births out of wedlock • Impacts on parents • Emotional difficulty • Financial problems (worse for single mothers) • Dating difficult (lonely)

29. Alternative Parenting • Gay couples raising children • No negative impacts • Some potential positives

30. Divorce • Divorce rate - 50% in US • Highest in Russia, lowest in Netherlands • Increased in developed countries recently • Changes in social norms, laws • Reasons cited by men & women for D • Unhappy, infidelity, sexual problems • Men: alcohol abuse by self, women’s lib • Women: alcohol abuse by spouse, physical abuse

31. Divorce • Factors impacting divorce • Macro reasons • Social-cultural changes/values, gender roles • Demographics reasons • Age at marriage, parental divorce, cohabitation • Interpersonal reasons • Infidelity, violence, $, children, growing apart

32. Divorce • Impacts of divorce on couple • Emotional problems (lasting) • Depressed, rejected, angry, disappointed, unhappy • Divorce hangover • Unable to let go and move on as single person • Preoccupation predictor of poor adjustment • Men: accept blame, move out, social life changed • Women: fewer remarriage, friends prospects, $ troubles

33. Divorce • Relationship w/ children • 70% mothers regain custody after divorce • Fathers become negligent rapidly • Problems extend to divorce w/ adult children • Emotional difficulties & poor father relationship

34. Remarriage • Very common (W < M) • Average wait is 4 years • Increased change of divorce (even more w./. stepchildren) • Women benefit more than men