Using Magic Words to Influence Challenging Parents with Cross-Cultural Commentary

1. Using (Magic) Words to Influence “Challenging” Parents with Cross-Cultural Commentary John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D.Sara Polanchek, Ed.D.Maegan Rides At The Door, M.A.Salena Beaumont Hill, M.A.University of Montana

2. University of Montana

3. Powerpoints and Info • Johnsommersflanagan.com • John.sf@mso.umt.edu

4. The Plan and Objectives • Describe the challenge of working with parents • Identify 10 counselor attitudes and strategies that can quickly or eventually influence parents • Discuss cross-cultural issues that can emerge when working with diverse parents

5. The Problem: Challenging Parents • Opening survey • It’s easy to be afraid of (or angry at) parents • Parents have special needs, interests, and sometimes a different worldview • Parents can be critical consumers – Ruptures (withdrawal or attack) can be common • Parents sometimes say things that throw us off our helping/counseling game (Bite-back)

6. Role Play Volunteer • Come up and tell John about some hassles you’re facing at school or work (and feel free to exaggerate!!). • Debriefing • What did John do? • How did it work? • What dynamic was operating? • Why not “home?”

7. Some Words are Better than Others • “Words were originally magic . . .” • If we’re careful with our words, we can have greater influence on parents and how parents parent their children • Example: “Have you tried?” vs. “What have you tried?” j

8. A Way of Being with Parents • Use THESE ATTITUDE PRINCIPLES • Internal positive reframe • Empathic resonance • Radical acceptance s

9. 1. Internal Positive Reframe • There are no “Difficult” or “Challenging” parents • There are only parents in difficult or challenging situations • Our goal is to express empathy for the difficult or challenging situations parents are facing J

10. 2. Empathic Resonance General Empathy “I know exactly how you feel.” S

11. 2. Empathic Resonance • Specific Empathy • You must ask about, hear, reflect, and show empathy for the specific PARENTING STORIES (challenges) the parent(s) are telling • What happened next? How solved? • Story Resonance: “You feel afraid to leave your baby to sleep alone, but you’re also feeling upset and angry when you go back in the room to comfort your baby.” S

12. 2. Empathy Cultural Discussion • What makes having and showing empathy across cultures difficult? • Are there times when specific empathy [emotion] words should wait? [Angry?] • What might come BEFORE empathy?

13. 3. Radical Acceptance • “I accept you as you are and am committed to helping you change for the better” • But don’t say that . . . because there are also anti-magic words • Use radical acceptance – especially if and when parents are hostile or express disdain J

14. 3. Anti-Magic Words (to Avoid) • “I understand” • “I know what you’re going through” • “I won’t judge you in here” • “I’ve been a parenting educator for 30 years” • Responding to “credential questions” J

15. 3. Better Words for Acceptance • Reflect back what the parent wants • Respect • Honesty • Academic effort • Compliance • Success • Find out what the parent has tried, books . . . Resources [show interest] J

16. 3. Acceptance Cultural Discussion • What negative reaction might happen if a counselor directly expresses “acceptance” with diverse parents? [“I accept you”] • What might be appropriate ways for counselors to show “acceptance” across cultures? [physical space; showing interest; curiosity at appropriate times]

17. 4. Reframe All Parenting Efforts • . . . AS POSITIVE • Watch and listen for examples of positive parenting intentions or positive parenting behaviors S

18. 4. Reframing Cultural Discussion • How might Native American or other minority parents react to statements like the following? [Try these out] • You really love your son • You know your daughter really well • Your child is lucky to have you as a parent • What are other words that might be culturally acceptable for expressing positive feedback and validation?

19. 5. Collaborative Case Formulation • Adopt an attitude of “not knowing” (“I need to listen first”) • Show respect for the parent(s) expertise (“You’re the best expert on your child”) • Use an “invitation for collaboration” • Ask the “best explanation” question • Ask permission (to take notes; offer ideas; give feedback)

20. 5. Cross Cultural Discussion • What are specific ways that counselors from the dominant culture can collaborate with diverse parents? • Are there any particular words or strategies that you think might be especially good for communicating collaborative intent? [Collectivist]

21. 6. Sleep Talk

22. 6. Sleep Talk • Sleep is a family value • Sara’s sleep rules • Other sleep rules

23. 6. Sleepy Cultural Discussion • Sleep is a culturally influenced value and behavior. • What is your understanding of the different ways in which families deal with the natural challenges of sleep?

24. 7. Coaching on Being Firm and Direct • Some parents need help to be firm and direct (while being empathic). You can coach with: • Grandma’s Rule • When you, then you . . . • If you, then you . . . [Reese’s story] j

25. 7. Firm and Direct Cultural Discussion • There are many cultural differences regarding how direct and how empathic parents should be. [Crow culture; Tiger parenting; free range parenting; helicopter parenting]

26. 8. Mutual Problem-Solving • Mutual problem-solving is an evidence-based approach to addressing family problems and children’s misbehavior. • Examples: Homework time; cleaning the bathroom; social media. • MPS is more process than outcome. Why? [See johnsommersflanagan.com; tip sheets] s

27. 8. Cross Cultural Discussion • How would you use MPS with Native American parents? Is it a viable approach? [Who would do the MPS in the family or social system?] • What are some of the ways that Native American parents view their children. [Children are sacred]? What techniques are appropriate? [Teasing and accountability?]

28. 9. Character Feedback • Often parents naturally give children feedback about their negative character traits (e.g., you’re too emotional; always late; never get homework in; others?) • I love broccoli or other character feedback stories • Practice this now j

29. 9. Character Cultural Discussion • How might focusing on the positive work with specific minority parents? [ex: Shame messages from media] • Is it okay and acceptable to push a positive and encouraging parenting style toward all minority perspectives?

30. 10. The 7 Magic Choice Theory Words • I want you . . . but it’s your choice • This is very child-empowering j

31. 10. Cultural Discussion • Using the words . . . “it’s your choice” could activate parents from some cultural backgrounds [two paths story] • What different words might be more appropriate for parents with a minority cultural identity?

32. Closing Comments • What will you remember? • What will you try out? • You’re the kind of counselors who . . .

33. For Free Parenting Tip Sheets and Homework Assignments go to: • The best spot for these is: • John’s blog at johnsommersflanagan.com

34. Today • Join JSF for coffee, cookies, and a look at the newly published 3rd edition of Counseling and Psychotherapy Theories in Context and Practice • 1-2pm at the Wiley booth in the Exhibition Hall