Strengthening YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE

1. Strengthening YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE

2. Strengthening YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE The Stories We Tell Lessons from Nehemiah Setting Expectations

3. David and Michal 1 Samuel 18:20-28 1 Samuel 19:11-17 1 Samuel 25:44 2 Samuel 3:1, 13-16 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgS5I2UrW74&t=117s 2 Samuel 6:14-23

4. How does this model connect with our story?

5. The 10 and the 2 What are the specific questions that the spies are to answer? Numbers 13:17-20 What is the report of the 10? Numbers 13:23, 27-29, 31-33 What is the report of the 2? Numbers 13:30, 14:6-9 What Are The Lessons For Us?

6. How does this model connect with our story?

7. “I am Ammoron, the king of the Lamanites; I am the brother of Amalickiah whom ye have murdered. Behold, I will avenge his blood upon you, yea, and I will come upon you with my armies for I fear not your threatenings. For behold, your fathers did wrong their brethren, insomuch that they did rob them of their right to the government when it rightly belonged unto them….

8. “And as concerning that God whom ye say we have rejected, behold, we know not such a being; neither do ye; but if it so be that there is such a being, we know not but that he hath made us as well as you. And if it so be that there is a devil and a hell, behold will he not send you there to dwell with my brother whom ye have murdered, whom ye have hinted that he hath gone to such a place?

9. But behold these things matter not. I am Ammoron, and a descendant of Zoram, whom your fathers pressed and brought out of Jerusalem. And behold now, I am a bold Lamanite; behold, this war hath been waged to avenge their wrongs, and to maintain and to obtain their rights to the government.”

10. “Lachoneus, most noble and chief governor of the land, behold, I write this epistle unto you, and do give unto you exceedingly great praise because of your firmness, and also the firmness of your people, in maintaining that which ye suppose to be your right and liberty; yea, ye do stand well, as if ye were supported by the hand of a god, in the defence of your liberty…

11. I have written this epistle, sealing it with mine own hand, feeling for your welfare, because of your firmness in that which ye believe to be right, and your noble spirit in the field of battle….I write unto you, desiring that ye would yield up unto this my people, your cities, your lands, and your possessions, rather than that they should visit you with the sword and that destruction should come upon you…

12. I am Giddianhi; and I am the governor of this the secret society of Gadianton; which society and the works thereof I know to be good; and they are of ancient date and they have been handed down unto us. And I write this epistle unto you, Lachoneus, and I hope that ye will deliver up your lands and your possessions, without the shedding of blood, that this my people may recover their rights and government, who have dissented away from you because of your wickedness in retaining from them their rights of government, and except ye do this, I will avenge their wrongs.”

13. “Great has been your neglect towards us…we desire to know the cause of your thoughtless state…Ye have withheld your provisions from [the soldiers], insomuch that many have fought and bled out their lives…because of your exceedingly great neglect towards them….Is it that ye have neglected us because ye are in the heart of our country and ye are surrounded by security…? Do ye suppose that God will look upon you as guiltless while ye sit still and behold these things?

14. “I wait for assistance from you; and, except ye do administer unto our relief, behold, I come unto you, even in the land of Zarahemla, and smite you with the sword…Ye know that ye do transgress the laws of God, and ye do know that ye do trample them under your feet. Behold, the Lord saith unto me: If those whom ye have appointed your governors do not repent of their sins and iniquities, ye shall go up to battle against them.”

15. The spiritual distortion in each of these examples is self-deception. While it would take several volumes to fully explore self-deception, a key aspect of self-deception is consciously or subconsciously telling ourselves stories that explain why our actions/attitudes/feelings are justified and how others are at fault/blameworthy with respect to any given situation. Over times these stories lead us to see people and situations in mistaken ways. Self-deception is the opposite of seeing “things as they really are” (Jacob 4:13), and can be devastating precisely because it is often invisible.

16. Ammoron sincerely believed that his ancestor Zoram had been “pressed and brought out of Jerusalem” (Alma 54:23). • Giddianhi genuinely thought the Nephites had shown “wickedness in retaining from [the robbers] their rights of government” and that it was defensible for Giddianhi to “avenge their wrongs” (3 Nephi 3:10), • Moroni, clearly a good person, misinterpreted Pahoran’s inaction for treachery and a result felt justified in threatening Pahoran with death.

17. How does this model connect with our story?

18. Probe for Alternative Stories • There is probable merit to my perspective • My perspective may not be accurate • There is some coherence, if not merit, to the other person’s perspective • There may be more than one legitimate interpretation • “What are this person’s or people’s challenges, trials, burdens, and pains?” • “How am I adding to these challenges? • “How does s/he they view me?” • “What story might they be telling themselves?”

19. Strengthening YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE The Stories We Tell Lessons from Nehemiah Setting Expectations

20. Nehemiah: Lessons in Life Leadership • Nehemiah 2:12 • Nehemiah 4:10

21. “I believe that in our own individual ways, God takes us to the grove or the mountain or the temple and there shows us the wonder of what his plan is for us. We may not see it as fully as Moses or Nephi or the brother of Jared did, but we see as much as we need to see in order to know the Lord's will for us.” “Cast Not Away Your Confidence” http://speeches.byu.edu Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

22. Elder Richard G. Scott “You need a retreat of peace and quiet where periodically you can ponder and let the Lord establish the direction in your life… Sometime soon you may benefit from taking this personal inventory: • What are my highest priorities of life? • How do I use my discretionary time? Is some of it consistently used for my highest priorities? • Is there anything I know I should not be doing? If so, I will stop now. “To Acquire Knowledge…” - http://speeches.byu.edu

23. Jacob 1:17 “I, Jacob, gave unto them these words as I taught them in the temple, having first obtained mine errand from the Lord.” Jacob 1:17)

24. What has God put into your heart? Go on a personal retreat where you tap into the vision of the Lord’s plan for your life. In a peaceful environment, develop a long term (3-7 years) vision for your life. Tap into the Lord’s vision for you. What does he put into your heart?

25. Let’s Start Your Retreat • Five years from now, what do you want to have accomplished professionally? • What do you hope your family will be like in five years? • What skills do you want to develop in the next five years? • What type of contribution do you want to make to your church and community in the next five years? • What type of person do you want to become?

26. <Side Note> It is also helpful for couples and families to have long-range plans. When our oldest of six children was 13, Lani and I took a retreat together and asked ourselves these types of questions. We realized we only had five summers before our eldest left home. What did we want to do with those summers? Pondering this question helped us realize that we wanted to do many things: spend a summer in another country, tour church and American history sites, be in a church pageant, and so forth. Because we carefully planned and sequenced, we had several special experiences as a family that we would have missed had Lani and I not looked over the horizon to plan the experiences we wanted to have as a family.

27. What has God put into your heart? Once you have a long-term vision, consider what you will do in the next 3-4 months to work towards this vision.

28. On Your Retreat • Considering the 5-year vision I have for myself professionally, what are a few significant, attainable goals that I feel inspired to accomplish in the next 3-4 months? • Considering the 5-year vision I have for my family, what are a few significant, attainable goals that I feel inspired to accomplish in the next 3-4 months?

29. What has God put into your heart? Implement your 3-4 month plan through weekly planning and careful prioritization.

30. Nehemiah: Teaching Us How To Do Hard Things • Nehemiah 2:12 • Nehemiah 4:10

31. What is our “rubbish”? • Perhaps possessions that take time to research, buy, maintain, clean, etc. • Perhaps activities, which, while good individually, collectively sap our strength. • Perhaps digital distractions that take up much more of our time and energy than we suspect.

32. Getting rid of the rubbish amongst our possessions. “Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.” Luke 12:15

33. Getting rid of the rubbish amongst our possessions. • Take a picture • Put your stuff to good use (for others!) • Stop the flow • Temporarily box and store • Just one trash bag

34. What is our “rubbish”? • Perhaps possessions that take time to research, buy, maintain, clean, etc. • Perhaps digital distractions that take up much more of our time and energy than we suspect. • Perhaps activities, which, while good individually, collectively sap our strength.

35. “You cannot connect to the Spirit during the presentation of the sacrament while looking at or sending a message on your smartphone or your tablet. This connection requires the Light of Christ, settling from your minds into your hearts with burning love and devotion.” “Be Still and Know That I Am God” https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/ces-devotionals/2014/01/be-still-and-know-that-i-am-god?lang=eng. Elder M. Russell Ballard

36. This is a lesson we can learn Nephi, the son of Helaman, who was commuting “towards his own house” (Helaman 10:2). Rather than listening to an audiobook however, Nephi was “pondering upon the things which the Lord had shown unto him” (Helaman 10:2). What was the result of Helaman’s taking time to be still on his commute? “As he was thus pondering in his heart, behold, a voice came unto him saying: Blessed art thou, Nephi…” (Helaman 10:3-4). On that occasion, the Lord delivered a powerful message to Nephi – one that Nephi might have missed if his earbuds had been in.

37. What is our “rubbish”? • Perhaps possessions that take time to research, buy, maintain, clean, etc. • Perhaps digital distractions that take up much more of our time and energy than we suspect. • Perhaps activities, which, while good individually, collectively sap our strength.

38. Researchers at Harvard investigated how people’s perceptions of others changed based on whether or not the other person was busy. In one experiment, participants read a description about a fictional person named Jeff. Some participants read that Jeff always had a full calendar, while others read that Jeff had a leisurely lifestyle. Study participants who read that Jeff had a full calendar rated Jeff as having a higher social status than did those who read that Jeff had a lot of leisure time. There is a reason people want to be perceived as being busy – our society perceives busyness as a signal of importance. https://hbr.org/2016/12/research-why-americans-are-so-impressed-by-busyness#comment-section

39. One researcher surveyed 752 Christian leaders about their lives and found that 75% of them said that the busyness of their lives either often or almost always gets in the way of developing their relationships with God. When our goal is increased peace, we frequently need to become less busy. While sometimes busyness is forced upon us (urgent situations, health emergencies, and so forth), often busyness is something we choose. And in the case of parenting, we sometimes choose busyness for our children as well, multiplying the work to be done. http://www.christianity9to5.org/epidemic-of-busyness/

40. Am I making the best use of my time? “Even now I could not have come had the judgment seat not been given to another…” (Alma 7)

42. “Take an inventory of how you spend your time and where you devote your energy. That will tell you where your heart is.” President Russell M. Nelson, “We Can Do Better and Be Better,” Ensign, May 2019. President Russell M. Nelson

43. Two Key Steps to Getting Rid of Time Rubbish • The key to get rid of rubbish is to carefully decide what we will not do. What will we not purchase, not continue to maintain/store/upgrade, and what activities – digital or otherwise – we will stop or say no to, both now and in the future? Choosing what we will not do gives us additional time and money to focus on the things that are most important to us – like Nehemiah’s wall. • Time Tracking

44. Do we need to let go?

45. Strengthening YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE The Stories We Tell Lessons from Nehemiah Setting Expectations

46. Authors of a study involving 18,420 participants wrote, “Momentary happiness is a state that reflects not how well things are going but instead whether things are going better than expected.” In an interview about the study, the lead researcher said, “Lower expectations make it more likely that an outcome will exceed those expectations and have a positive impact on happiness.”

48. There are clearly negatives with extremes in expectations. If I have very low expectations, then I will likely not achieve my potential. That’s not the path to peace. If my expectations are too high, it can lead to paralyzing perfectionism. That’s not the path to peace. In terms of others, if I set my expectations too low, I will not help them achieve what they could be. That is not the path to peace. But setting my expectations too high, can lead to feelings of disappointment and hurt on both sides. That is not the path to peace.

49. While there are definitely some aspects of life where it is helpful to have high expectations, for many of us, we might be happier if we lowered our expectations in some areas.

50. I have found that one area where many people develop inappropriate expectations relates to God and what he will or will not do for us in our lives. Simply put, the following is an unrealistic expectation that can destroy our peace: “If I keep the commandments everything will always work out the way I want it to work out.”