Chapter 2: Who Supports This Couple in Marriage?

1. Retrouvaille C.O.R.E November 9, 2007 Chapter 2: Who Supports This Couple in Marriage?

2. Chapter 2 • Facing Marital Difficulties • Stresses and problems stand in the way of intimacy. • Power negative feelings (resentments over a spouse’s actions, hurtful behaviors and emotional unavailability) build over the years. • Couples who are together for years have deeply entrenched patters of relating to one another. • Old patterns are difficult to alter. • Negative feelings remain even if the behavior is changed. • Many people, children, friends, family, neighbors, employers are affected by the couples lives and marital breakup. • Family problems and marital breakup rank as the highest cost to employers and the most expensive social problem of our day.

3. Chapter 2 • Climate of Divorce • People often ask only.... ‘what’s in it for me’? • Talk shows, magazines and media pay more attention to failure (infidelity and divorce) than to success – even featuring it. • When people are hurting, the liberation of divorce looks attractive. • People are encouraged to get divorced. • The assumption is that if you’re miserable, it’s better to get out. • Divorce, pre-nuptial agreements and no-fault divorce prepare us to move on. • Adultery is seen as part of the sexual freedom in the 60s. Today’s “throw away society” has created a climate for divorce.

4. Chapter 2 • Obstacles to finding support • Couples often think this is no one else’s business. • The couple pretends everything is fine until one person moves out and they can’t hide the truth anymore. • Friends, coworkers, etc try to support one spouse by running down the other. • Divorced friends draw a couple further toward divorce. • People welcome others to marital breakup because it justifies their own struggles. • Divorced people form a dependent bond that perpetuates the current situation and avoids solutions.

5. Chapter 2 • Sources of support • A strong support system (friends, family, other strong couples) is the #2 significant factor in the survival of the marriage. • In our mobile society, friends and support groups can replace relatives. • Married friends can serve as protector, guardian or parent. • Couples need the support of other peer couples to know what they are going through is similar to the experience of others in general. • We need more “dinosaurs” of marriage to serve as role models in our society.

6. Chapter 2 • Faith as a Factor in Marital Survival • The #1 strongest factor in marital survival is the couple’s faith life (church, traditions, church community) • Weddings become a personal show of the couple and guests are spectators vs. lifelong supporters. • But people expect do that it’s the church’s responsibility to reach out to families in crisis. • The church has a responsibility. It is the only institution with the whole family as a client – giving it a special role in family care and ministry. • Many churches do offer conferences and sharing sessions to help. • People struggle with where/how to seeing God in their lives. • God’s love can bring so much healing and beauty out of so much hurt and pain. • Jesus’ healing power is active in the power of prayer.

7. Chapter 2 • Hurting Folks Can Help Others and Themselves • Our pain can be turned into a gift for others. • Through the sharing of our own pain and healing process, we give others hope to do the same and take responsibility for their relationships. • We do not have all the answers; but we do have hope and can use our imperfections to help others. • Family ministry is a response of couples and families to others in a similar need. “The happiest people I know are those who give of themselves, rather than getting caught up in their personal difficulties.”

8. Chapter 2 • Questions • What effects have the changing values regarding permanence and fidelity had for me? • Who has supported us in the more difficult moments of marriage?

9. Retrouvaille C.O.R.E November 9, 2007 Chapter 3: Will the Real Me Please Appear?

10. Chapter 3 • Self Image • I bring myself to the marriage - with my limitations and strengths. • The more I know myself and can share who I really am, the more likely we can build an intimate relationship. • Many people don’t like themselves very well. • We don’t expect others to like us either and we act accordingly. • We are not anxious to share ourselves. • We use protective behaviors to hide the ‘real me’ or to reveal only the part that we expect others to accept. • We overemphasize parts of our personality that seem acceptable to others and make us appear strong.

11. Chapter 3 • Masks • People have predominant personality types, which are expressed by masks. • Achiever : result oriented, doesn’t always take others’ interest into account, often seen as perfect parent, good provider, super-mom • Logical Thinker : doesn’t readily showemotions, uncomfortable with dealing with others’ feelings, stands firm against others’ ideas and arguments. Aka Mr. Right, Analyst, Controlling Person, Mother Superior • Friendly Helper : tends to be very aware of others’ feelings, likes to please, dislikes telling others unpleasant messages. Aka Mr. Nice-Guy, Good Listener, Mother Hen, Community Volunteer • Exaggerating these personality traits does irritate others and keep us from relating openly and honestly with those around us.

12. Chapter 3 • Family of Origin • Family behavior and attitudes are transmitted from generation to generation. It is a school for life • Core beliefs about ourselves come from our parents: unhealthy families lose their true self and bring family baggage into the marital relationship • Abuse and abandonment develops survival behavior in children. They project false self in order to cope with pain and loneliness. • If we can review our childhood in order to understand rather then to blame, then we can move forward. • Many experience a great deal of anger. Remember that parents did the best they could with their own limitations • Task: in order to build healthy self-awareness, you need to learn to forgive those who harmed us. • Childhood behaviors are often repeated because they have proven to work but learning to recognize and eventually change protective behavior is a key to better relationships.

13. Chapter 3 • Healthy Self-Love • A lot of separation in marriage comes from one or both spouses pulling away from the other because they don’t feel good about themselves • We couples have to find out who the “I” is before we become “We”. There is no set date when to accomplish this. It is rather a lifelong process. • I can only allow another to love me without conditions when I truly love myself as I am. • Johary Window Theory everything known by myself and by others (e.g. I like to read) everything known only by myself (e.g. my fears) everything known only by others (e.g. I don’t think of myself as shy, but others have told me) everything unknown by me and by others

14. Chapter 3 • Healthy Self-Love cont’d • Size of each square can vary from time to time: • Good communication area of common knowledge to me and others expands the window • Poor communication causes the window to decrease • If someone has hurt you, that window may close by refusing to share anything personal about yourself • Window of self-knowledge is most deceiving: • I may “think” I have a fairly good self image without realizing how much I cover up • What I see as “junk“ (brokenness in my life) others may see as gift for compassion, healing and strength • The fourth / unknown area is not totally unknown. It is known by God. • Can come to know this area better through prayer • Learn more about yourself by opening up to the risks of self-discovery

15. Chapter 3 • Healthy Self-Love cont’d • To be completely open to self and others, to knowing and being known is to awaken to joy. Then I am at peace with myself • Trying to simply forget what happened causes the problem to linger until you have dealt with it and been healed. • Face your faults and make a sincere effort to change • Forgiveness does not mean the you will never make the same mistake again. • Forgiving yourself allows you to turn away from staring at your own faults and look forward with hope of doing better. • On your journey of self-discovery don’t go back to blame. • Go back to let go of the past, so you can get on with life.

16. Chapter 3 • Questions • What are the qualities I want others to see in me and what do I need to feel good about myself? • What protective behaviors can I recognize in myself that keep me from getting closer to my spouse?

17. Retrouvaille C.O.R.E November 9, 2007 Chapter 4: “Wow! I Never Knew You Felt That Way”

18. Chapter 4 • Feelings vs. Thoughts • Traditional Indian Medicine believes that our physical, emotional, intellectual, social and spiritual life all need to be intact for a person to be healthy • Often we neglect one or more parts. To be more whole we need to pay more attention, especially to our emotional lives. • Most of us have a difficult time identifying our emotions and communicating them to someone else • Often we confuse “feelings” and “thoughts”: • Replace “I feel” with “I think” = Thought • Replace “I feel” with “I am” = Feeling • “I feel that”, “I think that”, “I judge that” = Judgment • Feelings change and vary in intensity, often many at once • Often we name surface feelings that mask deeper, stronger, more vulnerable emotions • Emotional life has many layers. Under each layer of feeling lays another until we eventually reach the heart of our feelings - which will reveal a deep need.

19. Chapter 4 • Feelings vs. Thoughts - continued • If needs are fulfilled we experience pleasant feelings. Unfilled needs cause unpleasant feelings • To understand ourselves we need to be open and accept all our emotional reactions. • We like to blame others for our emotions (“You make me so mad”), but no one can make us feel anything • Stop blaming others can provide an important learning experience • Protective feelings always come from our beliefs. We don’t choose to feel depressed, angry or scared. Our beliefs cause us to re-act this way. For example, being scared causes you to believe that you are threatened in some way. • We need to accept the reality that we cannot be emotionally hurt by another person. • In the same way, we can only be responsible for what we do, not for how others feel in reaction to what we do.

20. Chapter 4 • Feelings vs. Thoughts - continued • Emotions summarize and express our highly individual and unique human experiences; they reflect the security or insecurity of our childhood • One reason for the difficulty in expressing feelings come from early training, where some feelings are okay and some are not • Boys don’t cry • Nice boys don’t get angry • Churches often give the message that “good Christians” are always nice, caring, even-tempered, never angry • No one is without anger or always even-tempered! • Families train each other to express or repress feelings too: • Some express hostility and anger but fail to express tenderness and love • Others allow expression of kindness and concern, but suppress shame, self-doubt and expressions of disagreement or dislike • In reality, all emotions are okay, neither good nor bad, since we can’t control them they are neither right or wrong

21. Chapter 4 • Communication and Relationships • In rebuilding broken or damaged relationships, we often need to learn to express ourselves through our feelings. We become transparent to one another. • Not opening up and sharing feelings, may cause your spouse to project feelings onto you • We should not discount a partner’s feeling with motives springing from love, as we deny another’s right to feelings • If a partner takes a risk and is belittled or receives no response at all, another layer of protection builds around feelings. • Every emotional reaction tells us something about ourselves • Repressed feelings have a way of coming out in self-destructive ways • We need to share these emotions with others, and then they usually are no longer a threat to us. • Sharing feelings needs practice. A good start is “How do I feel when...(you interrupt me?), (I tell you “I love you”?), (you seem annoyed with me?)...

22. Chapter 4 • Communication and Relationships - continued • The most common fear is to be found out and rejected • We even fear admitting our deepest feelings to ourselves because we are afraid of losing self-respect. • It is so much easier to talk about problems then to expose a feeling, because with feelings we give others a glimpse of our real selves. • In healthy relationships, spouses can risk sharing feelings and the other spouse respects that risk, not by discounting the feelings, but by responding to them • We can tell others we feel angry but hurling abusive words is not a valid expression of emotion. • Manipulating others to make them feel guilty is considered unfair. If we ventilate feelings in a way, that we feel better but the other side feels worse, then feelings have not been shared appropriately.

23. Chapter 4 • Questions • How do I feel when someone blames me for their feelings? • How were feelings shared and accepted in my family and how does that affect the way I communicate feelings?