Effective Communication Skills

1. Effective Communication Skills

2. Introduction • Thank-you for being a member of this program • Please take with you the information that is valuable to you from this program • Respect that others are here to do the same • Feel free to ask questions at any time

3. Day 1: Self Disclosure, Boundaries, & Trust ~ Whenever you are ready to stop telling your emotions what they should be, they will tell you what they really are.~ - John Powell

4. Effective communication • When a person interprets a message in the way that the sender intended it

5. Why is this important? • Our ability to communicate impacts every relationship in our lives (e.g. With spouses, children, friends, etc) • It also impacts our understanding of ourselves - We learn about ourselves through our relationships with others

6. Self advocacy • To stand up for oneself • Expressing opinions according to personal thoughts

7. Self disclosure • Revealing information about your thoughts, feelings, or life experiences to another person • Essential for healthy relationships - Allows others to get to know you and you to get to know others - Allows you to identify common goals, needs, interests, activities, and values with others

8. Effective self disclosures • Are more about feelings than facts • Have breadth (number of topics) and depth (amount revealed on a topic) • Focus on the present • Must be reciprocal

9. Benefits of self disclosures • Validate our own ideas about the world • Increase our self-awareness • Help us manage stress and adversity • Feels good to be known intimately

10. Finding the balance • If someone has been untrustworthy, it would be foolish to continue to disclose to that person • Go slowly, allow time to build trust • Give people less critical information first and see how they handle it, then work up to bigger disclosures accordingly

11. Trust your instincts • Everyone has a choice about how much of themselves to reveal to other people • Increased awareness of feelings and context help in determining how much information to give

12. Boundaries • Limits or rules that define you as separate from others • Promote integrity • Help to define self • Can be divided into categories: • Emotional • Social • Physical • Sexual

13. Boundaries depend on context • Context includes 3 things: • Your thoughts and feelings • Who you are with • Where you are • Behavior that is appropriate in one context may be unhealthy or harmful in another

14. Thoughts and feelings • Give us valuable information about boundaries • Allow you to consider how others treat you, and how much to trust them • We are sometimes taught to ignore them

15. Who you are speaking with • What is the relationship? • What is the culture? • We learn about boundaries by the ways that we are treated as children • What have you taught the person so far about your boundaries? • We teach people where our boundaries are by the way we let them treat us • Has this person been respectful of your boundaries in the past? • With some people, we need to be more active in protecting our boundaries

16. Where you are • What is the environment like? • Are you familiar with this place? • What resources are available? • Is there privacy from other people?

17. Emotional boundaries • How do you identify and express your feelings and emotions to others? • (e.g.. What personal information will you give out?) • How do you respond to the feelings of others? • How do you allow others to treat you? • (e.g.. What can people say to you?) • What relationships do you keep, and what relationships do you back away from?

18. Social boundaries • How do you interact with other people? • When do you interact with other people? • What are your rules about privacy? • How close or distant should people be?

19. Physical boundaries • How close is your body is from other people’s bodies? • How do you share physical space? • Who, how and when do you touch or allow touch? • Context

20. Sexual boundaries • What is ok for you, in terms of any sexual acts or expression of sexuality? • Are interconnected with elements from physical, emotional, and social boundaries • If sexual intimacy is not grounded in respect for boundaries, it can lead to problems in the relationship (e.g. Pain, rejection)

21. Boundary violations • When someone knowingly or unknowingly crosses the emotional, physical, spiritual, or sexual limits of another • Two types of boundary violations: • Intrusion • Distance

22. Intrusion and Distance • Intrusion • When a physical or emotional boundary is breached • Distance • When intimacy is less than appropriate to the relationship

23. How to build boundaries • Increase self awareness • Identify childhood violations and the offenders, become aware of resulting feelings, and get care for that damage • Examine the state of your boundaries in current relationships, clean them up!

24. Defending boundaries • Our ability to protect ourselves is related to the strength of our boundaries • If we don’t develop clear boundaries, we are more likely to be violated • Weak boundaries lead to a weak self-image • If we don’t defend our boundaries, we tell our minds and bodies that they are not important

25. Trust • Openness and sharing with others - Being willing to make yourself vulnerable in hopes of gaining something positive • Constantly changes in relationships

26. Disrupting Trust • Rejection, ridicule, or disrespect to openness • Lack of reciprocation to openness • Refusal to disclose thoughts and feelings after the other person has been accepting, supportive, and cooperative

27. Strengthening trust • Support for personal process • Acceptance of differences • Enhancement of our uniqueness • Permission for expression • Respect for feelings • The right to say “no” • The freedom to say “yes”

28. Empowerment • Regardless of what has happened to you in the past, you have the right to defend your boundaries from now on • It is never too late to build healthy boundaries • When you protect yourself, you empower yourself

29. Day 2: Listening skills ~ The beginning of wisdom is silence. The second stage is listening.~

30. Listening skills • Attending • Following • Reflecting

31. Attending • A posture of involvement • Lean in, look attentive • Appropriate body movement • Eye contact • Non-distracting environment

32. Body language: • Posture • Eye contact • Gestures • Facial expressions • Tone of voice • Breathing

33. Following • Welcome the conversation • Give little encourages (yes, go on, really?) • Ask some questions • Be silent! • Protect other person from your attacks!

34. Reflecting • Paraphrase – Repeat in your own words • Briefly say what you think the feelings are • Briefly say what you think the meaning is • Briefly say your understanding of the main themes

35. Roadblocks • High risk ways of responding to others • Include: • Judging • Solution Sending • Avoiding concerns

36. Active Listening • Concentrating on reflecting the feelings that we hear and don't hear • Requires reading between the lines • Creates free and open space without judgment

37. Active Listening • Shows that you care and understand the other person • People will enjoy talking to you and will open up more • If you have misunderstood, the talker can immediately correct your impressions • You learn more about people. • Usually directs the conversation towards important emotional topics

38. Active Listening • Elicits acceptance and welcomes more intimate, personal topics • Makes it safe to talk about "deep" subjects, so the talker can relax and more accurately express him or her self • Reduces our irritation with others because we understand • To understand is to forgive

39. Active Listening • May reduce prejudice or negative assumptions about others • Discover everyone is "understandable." • Fosters more meaningful, helpful, and closer friendships • Empathy is one of the more important skills you will ever acquire • Few people do it well

40. Empathy • We often assume things about people, despite having little or no information • Everyone is trying to do the best they can with what they know and feel at that moment • Try to become persuaded by the other person’s position

41. Day 3: Behavior styles ~We must be the change we wish to see in the world.~ - Mahatma Ghandi

42. Behavior styles • Passiveness - Not advocating for personal rights • Aggressiveness - Threatening or violating the rights of others • Assertiveness - Standing up for your rights while acknowledging the rights of others

43. Choose for yourself! • Assertive behavior is the most effective in most situations • However, it can be wise to be submissive or aggressive in some situations • In general, being assertive helps people develop the power of choice over their actions

44. Six steps for assertion • Prepare yourself • Send the message • Be silent • Listen reflectively (expect defensiveness) • Recycle steps 2-4 as necessary • Focus on finding a solution

45. Preparing yourself • Write your message down • Practice sending it and responding to defensiveness • Do not begin with small talk • Make an appointment with the person

46. Before asserting, ask yourself: • Is this appropriate? • Am I invading the other person’s rights? • Is there a base of trust? • Is this a persistent concern? • Am I likely to get my needs met?

47. How do I assert myself? Behaviors + Feelings + Effects (Then stop talking!)

48. Stating the behavior • Be specific • Only refer to behaviors • Be objective, not judgmental • Be brief • Assert about real issues • Assert to the right person

49. Disclosing your feelings • Give your true feelings • What was the first feeling? • Express intensity of feeling accurately • Avoid using judgmental words • Listen to your body • Listen to your emotions

50. Clarify the effect • Be concrete • Avoid imposing your values on others • Only speak about the effect on you • Talk about the real effect, not something that seems more acceptable