NAVIGATING NEW ENVIRONMENTS (The Adolescent)

1. NAVIGATING NEW ENVIRONMENTS(The Adolescent) By André Allen-Casey Counselling Psychologist (Family Life Ministries)

2. Adolescence Defined • Adolescence begins with the onset of puberty and ends at about age eighteen. Adolescence is characterized by rapid physical changes, significant cognitive and emotional maturation, sexual awakening and a heightened sensitivity to peer relations (Newman & Newman, 1999). • A time of emotional turmoil- Emotional highs and lows increase, especially during early adolescence (Rosenblum & Lewis, 2003).

3. The Adolescent’s Experience • From 5th through to 9th grade both boys and girls experience a 50% decrease in being happy. • Pubertal change is associated with an increase in negative emotions (Santrock, 2008). • Young adolescents may sulk a lot, not knowing how to adequately express their feelings. • Social factors account for 2-4 times as much variance as hormonal factors; in young adolescent girls’ depression and anger (Brooks-Gunn & Warren, 1989).

4. The Adolescent’s Experience (Cont’d) • The expansion of adolescents’ cognitive abilities make them more aware of how they appear to others (Santrock, 2008). • Therefore their taste in dress will be more expressive and possibly dramatic. • Puberty causes girls and boys to experience an intensification of gender-related experiences. • Psychological and behavioural differences between boys and girls become greater during adolescence.

5. The Psychological and Behavioral differences are many times identified and expressed in the following questions and issues:- THE HOUSE FRONT • Why don’t my parents understand me?• How can I get my folks to give me more freedom?• How do I deal with  my parents’ separation?• Why did my parents separate? • How can I deal with my parents’ divorce and subsequent re-marriage?

6. How can I deal with the death of a sibling / a parent? How do I deal with parents who are not so educated? (i.e. under-exposed in the school system) • • Sibling rivalry – why are brothers and sisters hard to get along with?• How can I deal with criticism from my parents?• Why are there so many rules in the home?• What if my parent is addicted to drugs or alcohol?

7. What if my parent is a gunman / money launderer / involved in criminal activity?• What should I do if my parents argue / fight? • What if my parent/s has/have a life-threatening disease (AIDS, Cancer, Lupus ….)  How do I deal with such a situation?

8. PEERS / FRIENDSHIP MATTERS• How can I make real friends?• How can I cope with peer pressure?• How do I treat an ailing peer (e.g. someone with AIDS, Cancer, etc.)• How do I restore / get a fellow peer back to church?• How can I deal with loneliness?• Why do friends hurt us sometimes?• Are online friendships to be encouraged?• What is so bad about gossip?

9. SCHOOL • Should I quit school?• How can I improve my grades?• What should I do if other children tease me?• How can I get along with my teacher?• How can I get and keep a job?• What career should I choose?• How can I protect myself at school?• What should I know about school friendships?• A double life – who has to know?• How do I cope with failure?

10. LIFE CHANGES / THE WAY I LOOK / FEELINGS• What is happening to my body?• How important are looks?• What if I hate the way I look?• Why do I have to be so ill?• Do clothes reveal the real person?• Why don’t I like myself?• Why do I get so depressed?

11. How can I make my loneliness go away?• Why am I so shy?• Is it normal to grieve (the way I do)?• How can I control my emotions?• Why do I feel I have to be perfect?• How can I avoid homosexuality?• How can I keep my mind off sex? • What if my family is poor?

12. THE TRAP OF DRUGS & ALCOHOL• Drinking - what is wrong with it?• Why say “No” to drugs?• Smoking - why not? • LEISURE TIME / RECREATION• Does it matter what I read?• How can I control my TV-viewing habits?• How can I control my internet-surfing habits? • • Is anything wrong with social networking?• Why shouldn’t I have a good time once in a while?• Should I play electronic games?

13. How can I keep music in its place?• Is dancing wrong?• How can I have a good time?• Why avoid pornography?• Should I be involved in the martial arts for self-defence?• How much time should I devote to sporting activities?• What about going to the movies / to the theatre?

14. THE OPPOSITE SEX / DATING / SEX AND MORALS / LOVE• Am I ready to date?• Is there any harm in secret dating?• Is this the right person for me?• How far is too far?• Why stay a virgin?• What about sex before marriage?• How can I say “No” to pre-marital sex?

15. • Masturbation – how serious is it?• Masturbation – how can I fight the urge?• Is honesty really the best policy?• How do I know it is real love?• Suppose I am attacked and raped?  How do I deal with this?• What if a pregnancy occurs after rape?  Abortion – is this an escape route?• How do I deal with molestation / incest?

16. MY FUTURE• What does the future hold for me?• How can I get close to God?MY SPIRITUAL GROWTH• Why should I live by Biblical standards?• How can I become God’s friend?• How can I defend my belief in God?• Should I get baptized / re-baptized?• What will I do with my life?

17. The Adolescent’s Experience (Cont’d) • What are the possible effects if the Questions about these Psychological and Behavioral differences are left unanswered?

18. The Adolescent’s Experience (Cont’d) • Changes in school performance, such as poor grades despite good efforts • Abuse of drugs and/or alcohol • Inability to cope with daily problems and activities • Changes in sleeping and/or eating habits • Excessive complaints of physical ailments • Defying authority, skipping school, stealing or damaging property • Intense fear of gaining weight

19. The Adolescent’s Experience (Cont’d) • Long-lasting negative moods, often accompanied by poor appetite and thoughts of death • Frequent outbursts of anger • Loss of interest in friends and activities they usually enjoy • Significant increase in time spent alone • Excessive worrying or anxiety • Hyperactivity • Persistent nightmares or night terrors • Persistent disobedience or aggressive behaviour • Frequent temper tantrums

20. The Parent’s Role • Parent-teen relationships have been affected by the changes in the extent to which parents are generally not able to control their teenagers easily and effectively (Dynkmyer & McKay). • Even the best parents may find their relationship with their child strained during adolescence. • The adolescent’s need for autonomy and responsibility puzzles and angers many parents • Parents see their child changing from a compliant child to one who is oppositional and resistant to parental standards.

21. The Parent’s Role • Not equipping ourselves with the tools to deal with these changes often lead our adolescents to seek clarification and understanding from other adolescents. WHY? Because there is an innate need for a secure attachment. • The natural stages of our children’s development will almost instinctively send them away from us in their personal pursuits to find their Identity, Individuality and Independence. During this stage or phase the opinion of the parent(s) is/are questioned, refused and even ridiculed. The freedom to express oneself without much restraint can be had through Social Media and henceforth pursued.

22. The Parent’s Role • Many parents do not understand why their teenagers occasionally behave in an impulsive, irrational, or dangerous way. At times, it seems like they don’t think things through or fully consider the consequences of their actions. Adolescents differ from adults in the way they behave, solve problems, and make decisions. There is a biological explanation for this difference. Studies have shown that the brain continues to mature and develop throughout childhood and adolescence and well into early adulthood.

23. The Parent’s Role • Scientists have identified a specific region of the brain called the amygdale which is responsible for instinctual reactions including fear and aggressive behaviour. This region develops early. However, the frontal cortex, the area of the brain that controls reasoning and helps us think before we act, develops later. This part of the brain is still changing and maturing well into adulthood.

24. The Parent’s Role • Preparing for the teen-age years demands that we first come to an understanding of their developmental stages and how their social environment will impact that development; and the time to do so is now. • Sometimes as Parents we do not grow with our children and of such fail to recognize that they are growing up and therefore treat our teens as if they are still toddlers.

25. The Parent’s Role • To use a banking metaphor, if the teen-ager has made enough deposits in the “trust bank,'' then he or she has earned the privilege of making a few withdrawals - that is, the teen has earned more responsibility and freedom. • Teen-agers need room to grow, so that they and their parents can learn what they can handle. • To achieve this objective here are what I call the 10 criteria for managing adolescents:-

26. The Parent’s Role • 1) Teach your children to enjoy Themselves. • Sometimes our Pre-teens are so interested in growing up and looking forward to becoming teenagers to the point of distressing themselves they forget how to enjoy their youth. Let them know that they should enjoy the journey rather than focus on the destination.

27. The Parent’s Role • 2. Make sure you are Respected. • Because you’re their parent and because God says to (Eph.6:1). While it is important for them to know their rights, gently – and maybe sometimes firmly remind them that their rights must not supersede your rights to Parent them. • 3. Communicate openly on just about everything. • WHY? Because if you don’t tell them someone else will; and they will not give it age appropriately.

28. The Parent’s Role • 4. Lighten up on the rules and lay down strong principles. • Increasingly over the years, we lessened the “rules” and impressed upon our young people the principles behind what we believe in. We’ve pointed them to Scripture so that they could see – and believe – for themselves. Now they are armed to do the right thing out of their own value and virtues and not merely because they are coerced to do the same.

29. The Parent’s Role • 5. Pursue their hearts closely.  • Even at a young age, seek to understand what they’re thinking and how they’re feeling. Yes, it can be quite time-consuming, but that big investment more than pays off when they’re growing through their teen years. Those close heart-ties can help carry you through the hard times. • 6. Reinforce your Child’s ability to Cope by developing their emotional intelligence

30. The Parent’s Role • Children absorb their parent’s anxiety, so model optimism and confidence for your child. Let your child know that it is natural to be a little nervous anytime you start something new but that your child will be just fine once he or she becomes familiar with classmates, the teacher, and school routine. • Give your child a few strategies to manage a difficult situation on his or her own. But encourage your child to tell you or the teacher if the problem persists.

31. The Parent’s Role • 7. COMMUNICATE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE • I love you – regardless of your behaviour / your mistakes/ your flaws/ your looks… • I love you and my love is not conditional to or dependent on…your grades in school/ whether or not anybody else in the world likes you/ you fit in/ excel academically or in sports/ whether on not you have disappointed me…

32. The Parent’s Role • When our children know this (beyond the shadow of a doubt) they are free to • think highly of themselves, appreciate constructive discipline & build trusting relationships with the parents and others.

33. The Parent’s Role • 8. If your child demonstrates problems that seem extreme in nature or go on for an extended period, you may want to contact the school to set up an appointment to meet with your child’s teachers and school counsellor. They may be able to offer direct or indirect support that will help identify and reduce the presenting problem. They may also suggest other resources within the school and the community to help you address the situation.

34. The Parent’s Role • 9. Be mindful that we should never try to live vicariously through them. It is their time to shine and our duty is to give them wings to fly. They will make mistakes, be prepared to pay for most of them. • 10. Parenting the Adolescent is a transitional period rather than an overnight achievement.

35. CONCLUSION • It’s not what you DO for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings. • According to a parenting philosophy: "Prepare your child for the road, not the road for your child." • We do not know for sure what will always be on the road, but we can teach them techniques and coping skills to deal with whatever they are confronted with.

36. CONCLUSION (CONT’D) • “If I had my child to raise all over again, I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later. I’d finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I’d take more hikes and fly more kites. I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. I’d do more hugging and less tugging.“ – • Diane Loomans