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EMOTION REGULATION:

EMOTION REGULATION:. THE COLLABORATIVE PROBLEM-SOLVING APPROACH FOR PARENTS Circle of Influence Graland Country Day School October 17, 2012 Daniel Hettleman, Ph.D., P.C. 1115 Grant St., #204 Denver, CO 80220. AUTHORS:. ROSS W. GREENE, Ph.D. J. STUART ABLON, Ph.D. PRIMARY RESOURCES:

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EMOTION REGULATION:

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  1. EMOTION REGULATION: THE COLLABORATIVE PROBLEM-SOLVING APPROACH FOR PARENTS Circle of Influence Graland Country Day School October 17, 2012 Daniel Hettleman, Ph.D., P.C. 1115 Grant St., #204 Denver, CO 80220

  2. AUTHORS: ROSS W. GREENE, Ph.D. J. STUART ABLON, Ph.D. PRIMARY RESOURCES: Greene, Ross W. (2010). The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children, fourth edition, Harper Books Greene, Ross W. (2009). Lost at School: Why Our Kids with Behavioral Challenges are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them, Scribner Books http://www.livesinthebalance.org/

  3. PREMISES • PREVENTION • Fatigue, hunger, planning for situations • VAPOR LOCK • Once a child has reached their threshold, you’re all cooked 3. POWER STRUGGLES • Destroy flexibility and problem solving 4. BASKETS A, B, AND C • It’s all B • Allow C until you get better at B

  4. BEFORE VAPOR LOCK • Best done anticipating a challenge • If you could not anticipate it, start it as soon as you start to see them show a sign of distress • Can be done later, after an explosion, when everyone is calm, to prevent future occurrences

  5. STEPS • De-escalation • Empathy • Frame the dilemma • Acknowledge the challenge • Invite problem-solving • Bite your tongue • If you absolutely must, generate ideas

  6. STEP #1: DE-ESCALATION “I’m not saying no yet.”

  7. STEP #2: EMPATHY I can imagine… I can see… I realize… • This homework is really unpleasant for you. • That ice cream looks sooooo good right now. • Math has been really challenging lately. • It’s been hard to figure out how to deal with those kids lately. • How uncomfortable it is for you to eat that food. • How annoying your brother has been lately.

  8. STEP #2: EMPATHY (cont’d.) I can imagine… I can see… • How hard it is to go back and forth between Mom and Dad’s house • How nervous you get when you have to give a presentation • How it doesn’t make sense to you to make your bed • How badly you wanted to win that game • Other examples??

  9. WHY EMPATHY? • Continued de-escalation • You cross the divide first • No need to debate how each person feels • You demonstrate understanding, appreciation • You recognize true dilemmas, true challenges • You get out of being demanding, lecturing

  10. STEP #3: FRAME THE DILEMMA Juggling: keep the balls in the air, keep problem-solving possible Don’t commit (that will invite head-butting) Don’t forclose Don’t make either option sound better than the other

  11. STEP #3: FRAME THE DILEMMA (cont.d) “On the one hand…” (empathy from Step #2) “On the other hand…” With empathy(!!!!), not sarcasm, describe a competing goal • Best: cite a motivation of theirs (e.g. “you seem to really care about…”) • Okay: Cite a value of the family (e.g. “we really care about”) • Okay: a competing obligation (e.g. “I also have to…”)

  12. FRAMING THE DILEMMA (cont’d) On the one hand: • I realize this homework is really unpleasant for you On the other hand • You really seem to care what Ms. X thinks of you • You seem really happy when you work hard for a good grade • We value hard work to gain rewards in this family • In our family, we don’t allow TV or games until homework is done

  13. FRAMING THE DILEMMA (cont’d) On the one hand: • That ice cream looks soooooo good right now. On the other hand • You got really out of control last time you ate ice cream in the afternoon, and we all got in a big fight • You told us you wanted to cut down on sweets • In our family, we really care about eating healthy foods • In our family, we don’t allow sweets until dinner is finished. • If you eat an ice cream, it will be hard for me to follow my diet I’m working on*** ***if it really is about your own needs, at least acknowledge it!!!

  14. DON’T FORGET!!!! EMPATHY EMPATHY EMPATHY For both sides of the dilemma.

  15. STEP #3b: ACKNOWLEDGE THE CHALLENGE “Wow, this is a tough one.” (think Wendy Mogel, Blessings of a Skinned Knee and Blessings of a B-minus)

  16. STEP #4: INVITE PROBLEM-SOLVING Notice the key word, “invite” (genuinely, not sarcastically) “Let’s think…do you have any ideas?” “What are some ideas?” “What are some thoughts?”

  17. STEP #4b: BITE YOUR TONGUE Take a bunch of deep breaths Let it sit Allow the dilemma to be theirs Very few situations fit Basket A (very few situations have great urgency)

  18. IF YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST… Lead them through a problem-solving process: • “Here are some options…” [remember, don’t take sides] • “Let’s think what might happen if we choose each option” (consider potential outcomes of each) • Know your parental bottom line (“I know, I just can’t go with that one because our doctor tells me it’s really unhealthy to have too much ice cream”) • Allow for experimentation (so they feel some control). “Go ahead, and let’s see what happens…”

  19. CONTACT INFORMATION Daniel Hettleman, Ph.D., P.C. 1115 Grant St. #204 Denver, CO 80220 (303) 912-6632 dhettleman@comcast.net http://danielhettleman.com/

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