Long Distance Relationships

1. Long Distance Relationships An Introduction to Geographically Separated Couples Gregory Guldner, MD, MS Director, Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships

2. Goals • Develop a basic understanding of long distance relationships • Dispel common myths about long distance relationships • Learn some simple techniques to support those in LDRs

3. Objectives • Understand LDRs: • Defining LDRs • Prevalence of LDRs • Do LDRs work? • Difficulties with LDRs • Advantages of LDRs • Support for those in LDRs

4. Understanding LDRs • Understand • Defining LDRs • Prevalence of LDRs • Do LDRs work? • Difficulties with LDRs • Advantages of LDRs

5. Defining an LDR • Specific distance cut-off • Specific location cut-off • Self-defining • “My partner lives far enough away from me that it would be very difficult or impossible for us to see one another every day.”

6. Understanding LDRs • Understand • Defining LDRs • Prevalence of LDRs • Do LDRs work? • Difficulties with LDRs • Advantages of LDRs

7. Prevalence of LDRs • Marital LDRs • Pre-Marital • College Student

8. Married and Living Apart (%)

9. Married and Living ApartNational Longitudinal Study of the High School Class of 1972 • 3.31% of 7191 married respondents were living in a different location than spouse • Of military marriages 27% of White and 63% of African-American couples were living apart. • 10% of all job relocations result in long distance marriages (1998) and 52% of employers expect transfers to increase.

10. College Students Internet Dating Military Certain Industries Oil Fishing Logging College Students 25-40% (1993) 50% of First Years (1992) 33% (1987) 25% at any given time and 78% at any point (1996) Pre-Marital LDRs

11. Understanding LDRs • Understand • Defining LDRs • Prevalence of LDRs • Do LDRs work? • Difficulties with LDRs • Advantages of LDRs

12. Do LDRs Work? • Marriage or Pre-Marital? • Military / combat or Civilian? • What does it mean “to work”? • Continuity (break-up rate over time) • Quality (satisfaction, intimacy, etc)

13. Do LDRs Break-up More Frequently than PRs? • Pre-marital studies have found no greater rate of dissolution in LDRs than PRs • Guldner. J. College Student Dev, 1996;37;289-295 • Van Horn, et al. Personal Relationships, 1997;4;25-34 • Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279 • Stephen. Journal of Divorce, 1984;8;1-17 • No adequate data on marital LDRs • Rindfuss & Stephen. J. Marriage and the Family, 1990;52;259-270.

14. Do LDRs Have Poorer Quality Relationships Than Do PRs? • The majority of studies show no differences between LDRs and PRs on measures of • Satisfaction • Intimacy • Trust • Commitment • Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320 • Govaerts & Dixon. Int. J. Adv. Counseling. 1988l;11;265-281 • Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279 • Woelfel & Savell. Military Families. 1978;17-31 • Gerstel & Gross. Commuter Marriage. 1984. • Stephen. Human Com Res. 1986; 13;191-210 • Delmann-Jenkins, et al. College Stud J. 1994;28;212-219 • Timmerman. Doctoral Thesis. U. of Texas. 2001.

15. Understanding LDRs • Understand • Defining LDRs • Prevalence of LDRs • Do LDRs work? • Difficulties with LDRs • Advantages of LDRs

16. Difficulties Associated with LDRs • The Individual • Depression • Military Separations • Clinical Depression • Civilian • Guldner, GT. Long Distance Romantic Relationships: Prevalence and Separation-related Symptoms. J College Student Development, 1996; 37; 289-295. • Clinical Depression no more likely in LDR than in PR • Minor Depressive symptoms common • Feeling blue, lack of interest, difficulty making decisions, difficulty concentrating

17. Difficulties Associated with LDRs • The Individual • Anxiety • Uncertainty • Jealousy / Sexual Affairs • Dis-inhibition (loss of support) • Guilt • Violating norms • Choice of career “over” relationship • Emotional “rollercoaster”

18. Difficulties Associated with LDRs • The Relationship • Myths (Dissolution, Quality, Finances) • Relationship momentum slowed • Progress toward marriage more slowly • Break-up more slowly • Idealization and Disillusionment • Difficulties in Communication • Sexuality at a Distance • Re-integration • Assessment of the Status of the Relationship

19. Understanding LDRs • Understand • Defining LDRs • Prevalence of LDRs • Do LDRs work? • Difficulties with LDRs • Advantages of LDRs

20. Advantages of an LDR • Individual Productivity • Novelty • Avoids the “taken-for-granted” aspect of PRs • Plan exciting activities • Compartmentalization • Intimacy / autonomy fulfillment • Idealization

21. Demographics • Easily measured components of LDR (distance, duration, frequency of visits, etc) • Not very important • Frequency of face-to-face visits not correlated with satisfaction • Frequency of telephone calls negatively correlated with satisfaction • Frequency of letters predicts satisfaction

22. Types of Support Emotional Appraisal Informational Instrumental Sources of Support Partner Family Friends Context Support for those in LDRs • Those in LDRs often isolate themselves from support • Distraction • Awkwardness • Depression • Ambiguous status

23. Supporting LDRs • Emotional Stages of Separation • Staying Emotionally Healthy • Maintaining Intimacy • Frequency of Contact • Hellos & Goodbyes • Conflict at a Distance • Long Distance Sex • Sexual Affairs • Dating Others • Gender Differences in Separation

24. Supporting LDRs:Understanding Separation • Emotional Stages of Separation • Bowlby / Animal Studies / Evolutionary Psych • Protest (Anger, Bargaining) • Despair (Depression to various degrees) • Detachment (Productive or Destructive) • Kubler-Ross • Denial and Isolation • Anger • Bargaining • Depression • Acceptance

25. Supporting LDRs • Emotional Stages of Separation • Staying Emotionally Healthy • Maintaining Intimacy • Frequency of Contact • Hellos & Goodbyes • Conflict at a Distance • Long Distance Sex • Sexual Affairs • Dating Others • Gender Differences in Separation

26. Supporting LDRs: Staying Emotionally Healthy Ten Step Program • Maintain a satisfying relationship • Socialize • Emotional vs. Social Loneliness • Find a Confidant • Touching • Take Control

27. Supporting LDRs: Staying Emotionally Healthy Ten Step Program • Positive Thinking / Reframing • View the Separation as Temporary • Acknowledge Contributions • Transitional Objects • Healthy Sexuality

28. Supporting LDRs • Emotional Stages of Separation • Staying Emotionally Healthy • Maintaining Intimacy • Frequency of Contact • Hellos & Goodbyes • Conflict at a Distance • Long Distance Sex • Sexual Affairs • Dating Others • Gender Differences in Separation

29. Supporting an LDR: Keys to Maintaining Intimacy • Intimacy Components • Emotional Sharing • Interrelatedness • Emotional Sharing • LDRs may do this more easily than PRs • Interrelatedness • Central Issue for LDR Intimacy • Focus on the mundane • Serial vs. Parallel Communication

30. Supporting LDRs • Emotional Stages of Separation • Staying Emotionally Healthy • Maintaining Intimacy • Frequency of Contact • Hellos & Goodbyes • Conflict at a Distance • Long Distance Sex • Sexual Affairs • Dating Others • Gender Differences in Separation

31. Supporting an LDR: Contact • Face-to-face visits • Conflicting research • Opinion suggests at least once a month • Early studies had design issues • Carpenter & Knox. College Student J.1986; 28:86-88 • Failed vs. successful; contact related for men only • Holt & Stone. J College Student Dev. 1988; 29:136-141 • Definition of LDR • Groves & Horm-Wingerd. Soc Social Res. 1991;75:212-216 • Outcome “happier” with relationship

32. Supporting an LDR: Contact • Face-to-face visits • Larger studies & longitudinal studies • No correlation or impact of frequency of face-to-face visits for continuity or quality or relationship • Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320 • Schwebel, et al. J. College Student Dev. 1992; 33:222-230 • Guldner. Purdue Univ, Dept. of Psych. 1992 • Strategies based on increasing visits likely will not work – any frequency okay

33. Supporting an LDR: Contact • Telephone Calls • No evidence to suggest positive correlation or threshold effect • Frequency may be negatively correlated • More calls more conflict? • More conflict more calls?

34. Supporting an LDR: Contact • Writing Letters. • Cross-sectional. • Strong correlation between frequency of letters and relationship quality. • Longitudinal. • Couples who stayed together wrote one another almost twice as often as those who broke-up. • Measures of relationship quality identical at time-one.

35. Supporting an LDR: Contact • Writing Letters • Peculiarities of Letters • Transitional objects • Tangible • Re-readable • Scent • Generally conveys mostly positive messages • Pre-stamp and address envelopes to facilitate letter writing • Discuss the mundane if writing is only contact

36. Supporting LDRs • Emotional Stages of Separation • Staying Emotionally Healthy • Maintaining Intimacy • Frequency of Contact • Hellos & Goodbyes • Conflict at a Distance • Long Distance Sex • Sexual Affairs • Dating Others • Gender Differences in Separation

37. Supporting an LDR: Hellos & Goodbyes • Key Strategies for Making Reunions Even Better • It’s okay to schedule time by oneself • Schedule time with mutual friends • Schedule time out in public as a couple • Expect to be disappointed periodically • Don’t over schedule • Keep the timing of reunions predictable

38. Supporting an LDR: Hellos & Goodbyes • Key Strategies for Facilitating Goodbyes • Recognize multiple ways of saying goodbye • Develop goodbye rituals • Avoid anticipatory distancing if possible • Expect periodic disappointing reunions • Call one another early to discuss process • Accept some excitement about leaving

39. Supporting LDRs • Emotional Stages of Separation • Staying Emotionally Healthy • Maintaining Intimacy • Frequency of Contact • Hellos & Goodbyes • Conflict at a Distance • Long Distance Sex • Sexual Affairs • Dating Others • Gender Differences in Separation

40. Supporting LDRs:Conflict at a Distance • Issues Unique to LDRs • Problems with distance, travel, limited time together • Problems inherent with telephones • Conflict avoidance • Separation-related anger • Attributing all difficulties to the distance

41. Supporting LDRs:Conflict at a Distance • Problems with distance, travel, time • How should we use our time together? • Ground rules about other potential partners. • How often should we contact / visit one another? • Who pays for travel? • Who does the traveling? • How long will we be separated? • How soon after reunion should we have sex? • How do we split the telephone bill? • How often do we write one another? • Who does the chores when together?

42. Supporting LDRs:Conflict at a Distance • Problems Inherent with Telephones • Less likely to result in conflict resolutions • Less likely to accurately guess partner’s opinion • Less confident in opinion about partner’s personality traits • More likely to feel misunderstood • More likely to think partner is insincere

43. Supporting LDRs:Conflict at a Distance • Conflict Avoidance • LDRs report less conflict than PRs • Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel.1995;12;313-320 • Delmann-Jenkins, et al. College Stud J. 1994;28;212-219 • Limited time together, avoid “spoiling” it • Ability to exit • Tolerancce

44. Supporting LDRs:Conflict at a Distance • Separation-Related Anger • Reflex • Cause is difficult to determine • Persists despite experience “…this anger is displaced in all directions and projected onto the environment at times almost at random.” - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

45. Supporting LDRs:Conflict at a Distance • Attributional Error • “Everything would be okay but for the distance.” • Men more likely than women • Leads to fewer arguments • Leads to delay in progress • Lead to unnecessary break-up • Lead to resistance to therapeutic attempts

46. Supporting LDRs • Emotional Stages of Separation • Staying Emotionally Healthy • Maintaining Intimacy • Frequency of Contact • Hellos & Goodbyes • Conflict at a Distance • Long Distance Sex • Sexual Affairs • Dating Others • Gender Differences in Separation

47. Long Distance Sex • LDRs report sexual intimacy equal to PRs. • Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel.1995;12;313-320 • “Honeymoon” sex / novelty • Timing of sex after reunion • Intimacy then sex • Sex then intimacy

48. Long Distance Sex • Telephone Sex • Learning what to say and how to say it • Comfort with erotic vocabulary • Books of erotic fantasy • Learning how to say it • Bonnie Gabriel, The Fine Art of Erotic Talk: How to Entice, Excite, and Enchant Your Lover with Words • Fantasy talk • Sexual guidance • Parallel self-pleasuring

49. Long Distance Sex • Self-Pleasuring • Learning to be comfortable with touching • Hands-free telephones • Privacy issues

50. Long Distance Sex • Erotic Letters • Erotic Videos • Erotic Audiotapes • Erotic Pictures • Timing of visits with menstrual cycle