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Healthy, Unhealthy, and Abusive Relationships

Healthy, Unhealthy, and Abusive Relationships. http://www.couplehood.net/getting_to_know_each_other_dating/.

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Healthy, Unhealthy, and Abusive Relationships

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  1. Healthy, Unhealthy, and Abusive Relationships

  2. http://www.couplehood.net/getting_to_know_each_other_dating/ • We have learned that a relationship is healthy when there is a balance of power in the couple, both members see each other as equals, and the couple is able to communicate their wants and needs, negotiate, and resolve their differences through compromise. • What then are the characteristics of unhealthy and abusive relationships?

  3. Abuse • INSULTS • BLAME • CONTROL • ISOLATION • INTIMIDATION • SEXUAL ABUSE • PHYSICAL ABUSE http://www.rishisinghlaw.com/violent-offences/domestic-assault/

  4. INSULTS • Healthy: Couples express anger over behaviour and don’t use insults • Unhealthy: Couples may use insults when fighting, allowing language to be degrading • Abusive: One person uses name-calling and/or insults the other citing things that are beyond their control like physical characteristics or family background; the abused member is afraid to express their feelings for fear of being insulted

  5. BLAME http://www.neillneill.com/marriage-stress-blame-and-alcohol • Healthy: Each person is able to communicate hurt or disappointment; each person is responsible for their own actions • Unhealthy: Partners blame each other, are overly-critical or are uncomfortable expressing feelings • Abusive: The abuser blames the other for their own feelings and blames the other for the abuser’s actions; they twist the other’s words so that they are never to blame; there are double standards according to gender or personality; the abused partner walks on eggshells around the abuser

  6. CONTROL • Healthy: Each person exercises self-control and each member trusts the other to have his/her best interests at heart • Unhealthy: There is an unhealthy amount of jealously or low-self esteem causing one person to want to control the other • Abusive: The abuser makes rules for the other person, controls who the person sees, where they go, how late they can stay out, etc. The control can be in the form of withholding things like sex, money, or interferes with basic needs like sleep, food, medicine, etc.

  7. ISOLATION • Healthy: There is a balance of time spent together and time spent with others. When time is spent with others, trust and respect prevail. • Unhealthy: There is a lack of balance, trust, or respect when it comes to spending time together or apart. • Abusive: One person restricts access of the other to friends, co-workers, and family. They don’t “allow” their partner to spend time with certain people, monitors their partner’s communication with people, and/or restricts access to information

  8. INTIMIDATION • Healthy: One person has no more power than the other; no one uses intimidation tactics as a means of resolving conflicts. • Unhealthy: There is sometimes fear of the other leaving, causing irrational behaviour; disagreements often turn to fights. • Abusive: One partner uses breaks or throws things to scare the other, confiscates the other’s belongings, threatens to reveal person information to others (blackmail) as a means of control, threatens to harm themselves or others, engages in stalking or harassing behaviour

  9. SEXUAL ABUSE • Healthy: There is open communication about sexual and intimacy needs; no one feels pressured into to doing something they’re not comfortable with • Unhealthy: Poor communication about sexual and intimacy needs; a certain level of discomfort • Abusive: The abuser ignores the other’s wants or needs, disrespects privacy and forces the partner to engage in activities they are not comfortable with; there is withdrawal of affection and sex as a means of control; the abuser takes advantage of the other’s sexuality

  10. PHYSICAL ABUSE http://www.savealegacy.com/?p=73 • Healthy: Both partners respect the other’s physical space; arguments do not turn physical • Unhealthy: There may be incidents of unhealthy control of the other’s personal space (e.g. not letting them leave) but no patterns established • Abusive: There is a pattern of increasing and/or ongoing physical abuse; it may start as a joke or an accident (e.g. slapping too hard during a play fight) but soon escalates to slapping, biting, punching, hitting, throwing things, or restraining a person.

  11. USING THE CHILDREN • Abusers hit their partners where it hurts • Often an abuser will threaten to restrict access to the children or criticize the other partner in front of the children • Many people stay in abusive marriages for fear of being unable to see their children post-divorce or for fear of leaving their children with an abusive parent.

  12. MYTHS • Men are abusers, women are abused. • Abuse means hitting. • Abusers are bad people. • Abusers are bad people all the time. • If it was that bad, the person would leave. • People who allow themselves to be abused are from lower socio-economic status, ethnic minorities, or are people with low self-esteem

  13. What’s a warning sign? • WARNING • drug/alcohol abuse as a coping mechanism or other self-destructive behaviour • drastic changes in weight/health/lifestyle • disapproval of friends and family • NORMAL • needing space and time • adjusting to a new schedule • balancing time with friends/family and relationship

  14. Why People Stay • People get mixed messages about relationships. We hear: “No one’s perfect” “Don’t settle” “You should get butterflies” “10 signs he’s into you” “He’s just not that into you”... • Often the public personality is different from the private one. • There is shame in “allowing” this to happen. • Hindsight is 20/20. • Remember the fish in the bowl!

  15. REMEMBER: • Your spouse is the only relative you get to choose. Many relationships we don’t have choices about (bosses, teachers, parents, etc.); romantic relationships we have nothing but choice. It’s called “free choice mate selection” for a reason! • You are not going to be happy all the time in a relationship, but any unhappiness should be constructive and not destructive. • Take advice from others, but be honest with yourself about how you feel.

  16. http://www.child.alberta.ca/home/documents/familyviolence/doc_opfvb_booklet_men_colour.pdfhttp://www.child.alberta.ca/home/documents/familyviolence/doc_opfvb_booklet_men_colour.pdf http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/healthy_abusive.htm http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html# http://www.lfcc.on.ca/warning_signs.html

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