40 THINGS MEN AND WOMEN DO TO THEIR MARRIAGES By: Laurie Snyman, LCSW

1. 40 THINGSMEN AND WOMEN DO TO THEIR MARRIAGES By: Laurie Snyman, LCSW

2. GOD ESTABLISHED MARRIAGE • Marriage was God’s plan • For companionship • A safe environment • to raise families • “It is not good that man be alone, • I will make him a helper…. • Therefore, a man shall leave • his father and his mother • and cling to his wife and • they shall become one flesh.”

3. Man is incomplete.. • ..until he is married. Then he is really finished.

4. Here is advice for the teens in this congregationYou need only do three things in this country to avoid poverty - • 1) finish high school,2) marry before having a child, and • 3) marry after the age of 20. • “79 percent of those who • fail to do this are poor.” • -William Galston, of the Clinton White House

5. “This seminar is not meant to replace counseling or mentoring needed for troubled couples.”

6. Counseling and treatment is necessary for couples with the 3 A’s: • Addiction • Abuse • Adultery • (or suffering from • mental health issues)

7. If you are married to a non-believer, • Know the seminar today may have some suggestions that are difficult to conform to if one does not have an interest. • Although this seminar is mostly focused on Christians and SDA Christians, there are suggestions that any marriage will benefit from. Singles can also benefit from this seminar.

8. TOO LITTLE PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING • Couples considering marriage need to explore subjects like: • finances, • children, • goals, • roles in the home, • future expectations, • spiritual interest, • family of origin problems, • careers, • emotional issues, • in-law issues.

9. “Pre-marital counseling takes the surprise out and helps a couple prepare for their upcoming marriage.” Norman Wright, PH.D • “Too many enter marriage equipped with only the world’s pattern. “James Dobson

10. SUBJECTS FOR PREMARITAL COUNSELING • Book Suggestion: Before You Marry by Norman Wright, Ph.D • and • Falling In Love For All The Right Reasons • by Neil Warren

11. The Big D(ivorce) • 50% of couples that divorce separate before the 5th anniversary (and the majority before the 2nd anniversary).

12. U.S. Highest Divorce Rate • The United States today has the highest divorce rate in the entire world. • More than 1/2of all first marriages • end in divorce (about 67%) • 2nd marriage divorce rates are higher • (most blame problems on the kids)

13. CHILDREN SUFFER Half • of all • divorced fathers • rarely see their children, • and most pay • no child support. • “I hate divorce” says God.

15. CHRISTIANS ARE NOT ABOVE THE PROBLEMS • “Neither... Adulterers… • will inherit the • kingdom of God.” • I Cor. 6:10 NIV • Christians are divorcing and • committing adultery • at the same rate • as non-Christian’s. • Guard your heart. Proverbs 7:24-27

16. RELIGION IS NOT MAKING A DIFFERENCE • Born again Christians • have a higher divorce • rate than • non-Christians. • George Barna

17. AND GROWING……..!!! • Divorce in the bible belt of • the United States • is higher • than in the rest of the United States • as a whole.

18. ONLINE AFFAIRS • Women • have had • an explosive • growth • in online affairs. • Just like in the Garden • of Eden, the snake enticed the woman • into conversation until she sinned. • Women yearn for conversations on a deep level.

19. DEFINITION OF ONLINE AFFAIRS • An online affair • (or cyber affair) • is an intimate/sexually explicit communication (instant messaging, email, exchanging pictures) between • a married person and • someone (other than • their spouse) that takes place on the Internet. • 75% of emails between men and women are of a romantic/sexual nature.

20. SH-H-H, IT’S A SECRET.. • Most people think having an online affair is a big secret, but it sucks the life out of the present marriage. • Scripture tells us, • “You may be sure that your sin will find you out”. • (Num. 32:23).

21. TWICE AS LIKELY.. Women twice • are • as likely to file for divorce than men are. When women are unhappy, they are more likely to visit a divorce lawyer. They are more reactive. • Women often cite neglect more than abuse, an affair or an addiction.. as the reason they want a divorce.

22. Divorce at ages 40-50.. • The fastest growing segment of divorces is for couples who • are in their 40’s and 50’s. • (If a wife feels she has been raising the family alone with little support emotionally, she is longing for some time to develop herself. • She often pulls away to learn new skills, travel, try new • recreational pursuits.

23. When are we most vulnerable? • H---HUNGRY? (Esau’s pottage) • A---ANGRY? (When men feel angry, they equate sex as healing the anger) • L---LONELY? (David and Bathsheba) • T---TIRED? (More open to nurturing • comments) • B---BORED? (More interested in • entertaining yourself • with conversations) HALT-B

24. Can Churches Really Help? • When churches • deliberately • focus on marriage • and family in their church services • (such as praying for them • in public, educating in seminars, programs for marriage and family,) it was found to make a significant impact in decreasing the divorce rate in their church. • -George Barna- Researcher

25. .. he who sleeps with another man’s wife.. • no one who touches her • will go unpunished. • Proverbs 6:27-29

26. “.. may you rejoice.. • ..in the wife • of your youth.” • Proverbs 5:15,18

27. COUPLES PROCRASTINATE • Most couples do not go for marriage • counseling till 6 months after their problems began.

28. Only 35% • of marriage counseling • is successful. • 38% of those successful • in marriage counseling • will go back to their • old ways • within • 1 year of counseling.

29. Is It The Fault of The Therapist? • Only an experience with • Jesus Christ keeps us • “others focused” • so that we actually change • from the inside out. • Without Christ, • we do things • on our own strength • and usually fail. • (See Romans 8)

30. COUPLES WHO STAY TOGETHER • STUDY OF 100 COUPLES WHO DECIDED TO STAY TOGETHER WERE STUDIED FOR 30 YEARS

31. GOOD VS EVIL…GOD VS. SATAN • We know there is Good and Evil. • Who is Good? God • Who is evil? Satan • God vs.Satan • Who wants marriage • to be “heaven on earth” • Who wants your marriage to be miserable? • If God wants you to have peace in your home, what would please Satan? Turmoil.

32. So, when husbands or wives refuse to work on their marriage, who are you pleasing? (Satan) • Women, If God commands you in the Bible to respect your husband, what does Satan want? (Disrespect) • So men, if you are to LOVE your wife, do you think working on your marriage would be a loving thing to do?

33. GOOD AND EVIL… • There is a war • between good and evil, • is there not? • Light and darkness • Happiness vs. turmoil • Life vs. death • Marriage is a part of this fight: • God’s will vs. Satan’s delight

34. Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage • You don’t communicate well. • “Let the husband and wife talk things over together”. • EGW in 10 MR 185

35. Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage • Ignoring your wife. • (might be tv, working outside, • tuning out her concerns)

36. 30,000 – 60,000 WORDS…WOW! • It has been said that men speak about 30,000 words per day and women speak 60,000 per day. Men speak their words at work and women speak 30,000 words at work and save the other 30,000 for the husband and family in the evening.

38. Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage • 3) Spending most of your free time with other men, the church, other activities and not carving out time with her.

39. Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage • Not calling when you are late. • “It is the will of God that the husband and wife will respect each other…AH

40. Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage • You rarely help with • household chores. • Statistic: • No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

41. QUOTES • You now have duties to perform that before your marriage you did not have. AH 114 • Whoever wishes to • become great shall • be a servant. Matt. 20:25-28

42. Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage • 6) You think your only marriage duty is to be the provider.

43. Neglect by Husband • Husbands that work long hours and feel their greatest contribution to the marriage is to make an income often fall into this category -where • a wife perceives • she is neglected by him.

44. Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage • 7) Not being honest because you want to avoid conflict at all costs.

45. Honest Doesn’t Mean Every Detail… • Wives usually give too many details and expect same of husband. This takes away from excitement of marriage. • However, men or women will often lie to protect themselves (lies of omission). This erodes the trust of the marriage and is self-centered not God-centered. • David Stoop, Ph.D

46. Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage • Acting like a bachelor instead of a team player. • (On earth, your spouse is to occupy #1 position, not job, not ministry, not self. If this isn’t happening, you need to apologize and change.)

47. Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage • Not complimenting your wife’s clothes, hair, personality, etc. and/or making negative comments about something your wife cannot change. • (Wives want to know they are attractive to you.)

48. Things Men Do To Kill Their Marriage • 10) Thinking leadership means total control and dominance. • “Love, honor and negotiate”..

49. WARNING- DON’T EVEN SAY IT… • “(If the husband is not)..under the rule of Christ…. If he is ..rough,.. egotistical, harsh, ..let him never utter the words (that he).. is the head of the wife, and that she must submit to him in everything; for he is not the Lord, he is not the husband in the true significance of the term. . . . • AH 117.1 • Professing to be wise, they became fools. • Rom. 1:22.

50. THINGS WOMEN DO TO KILL MARRIAGE • ..for bitter or worse… • I nag my husband to get him to do things.