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Intimate Relationship

Intimate Relationship. Family Convention - East Brunswick February 2004. Introduction. There are several aspects of intimacy e.g. spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy, emotional intimacy…etc. What people seem to want most of all in a spouse is a best friend for life (lifelong intimacy).

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Intimate Relationship

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  1. Intimate Relationship Family Convention - East Brunswick February 2004

  2. Introduction • There are several aspects of intimacy e.g. spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy, emotional intimacy…etc. • What people seem to want most of all in a spouse is a best friend for life (lifelong intimacy). • Making your friendship a priority in your marriage is crucial for intimacy. Intimate Relationship

  3. What is a Friend? • There is one alone , and there is not a second; yea, he hath neither child nor brother: yet is there no end of all his labour; neither is his eye satisfied with riches; neither saith he , For whom do I labour, and bereave my soul of good? This is also vanity, yea, it is a sore travail. Two are better than one; because they have a good rewardfor their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone ? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken (Ecclesiastes 4:8-12) Intimate Relationship

  4. What is a Friend? • A friend provides the foundations for a great marriage: • Companionship • Productivity • Support • Warmth • Protection Intimate Relationship

  5. What is a Friend? • Also a friend may provide an occasional loving challenge. • Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful (Proverbs 27:6) • When you are living out a secure love that casts out fear (1John 4:18), you can say or hear some things from one another that may not be pleasant but might need to be said. Intimate Relationship

  6. What is a Friend? • Intimacy through friendship means being able to share what’s really in your heart (hopes, fears, dreams, and burdens) and have it richly heard by another. • Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you (John 15:15). • The Lord considered the disciples His friends because He has disclosed the deeper thing of His life with them. Intimate Relationship

  7. Barriers To Friendship • There is no time • We’ve lost that friendship feeling • We don’t talk like friends anymore • We have conflicts that erode our friendship • We are victims of reckless words Intimate Relationship

  8. There Is No Time • Many activities are competing for our time (work, children, home, TV, internet, sports, social life…etc). • Friendship, the very core of your relationship, often takes a back seat to all these competing interests. • When couples were engaged, they usually find time for being together. • Is it because life was less busy then or it was a higher priority to find the time to be together or both? Intimate Relationship

  9. We’ve Lost That Friendship Feeling • Many people were friends with their spouses to begin with but not any more. • Now they are just married. • The couples should know that the strongest marriages are those who maintained a solid friendship over the years. • The Couples should maintain a deep respect for one another as friends who are able to share everything in an atmosphere of deep acceptance. Intimate Relationship

  10. We Don’t Talk Like Friends Anymore • Think for a moment about a friendship you enjoy with someone other than your spouse. • How often do you have to talk with that person about problems between the two of you? • Friends are not people with whom we argue a lot. Intimate Relationship

  11. We Don’t Talk Like Friends Anymore • In friendship you are usually able to focus on mutual interests in a way that’s fun for both of you. • Friends talk about spiritual matters, politics, philosophy of life, sports, fun things they have done, dreams about the future…etc. • Couples, after they’ve been together for a while, talk about problems with the kids, problems with money, problems with work, concerns about in laws…etc. Intimate Relationship

  12. We Don’t Talk Like Friends Anymore • If couples are not careful, most of their talks end up being about problems and concerns, not points of view and points of interest. • Of course problems and concerns must be dealt with BUT don’t let these issues crowd out the more relaxed talks you once shared and enjoyed. Intimate Relationship

  13. We Have Conflicts That Erode Our Friendship • Friendship may get disrupted when issues arise in the relationship. • Conflicts may come up that take you right out of that relaxed mode of being friends. • When conflict isn’t managed well the growing perception becomes that talking leads to fighting, including talking as friends. • The worst thing that can happen here is that the couple avoids taking the time to talk as friends. Intimate Relationship

  14. We Are Victims Of Reckless Words • One of the major barriers to friendship occurs when things shared at tender and intimate moments are used later as weapons in a fight. • This can be incredibly destructive because “there is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword” (Pro 12:18). • Who’s going to keep sharing personal and vulnerable information if it might be used later in a fight. • That leads to covering up with our fig leaves of self-defense, not to being naked and unashamed. Intimate Relationship

  15. Protecting Friendship In Your Marriage • There are some principles that help you protect and enhance friendship. • If you have a good friendship going, these principles will help prevent your friendship from weakening over time. • If you’ve lost something in terms of being friends, these ideas will help you regain what you’ve been missing: • Make the time • Protect your friendship from conflict and issues. • Begin again to talk as friends. Intimate Relationship

  16. Make The Time • You need to set time apart specifically for talking as friends • The problems we all face is that there is much less quality time when there is little quantity time. • Without time for friendship, we too easily end up like the lonely man, Solomon described who was very busy and very wealthy but had no friend. Intimate Relationship

  17. Protect Your Friendship From Conflict And Issues • If you want to protect your marriage and your friendship, you need to learn how to handle the conflict well: • Set regular time aside to deal with issues as issues. • Take “time out” when conflicts are intruding on times you set aside for friendship. • Forgive one another for problems in the past so that the trust that friendship flourishes on is nurtured. • Never use things shared in moments of intimacy as weapons in a fight. Intimate Relationship

  18. Protect Your Friendship From Conflict And Issues • You will be surprised how powerful it can be for the two of you to simply agree that some times will be “friend times” and therefore off limits for conflicts and issues. • You can decide that unless you have both agreed to deal with an issue at a particular time, all your time will be in the friendship mode. • You need to realize together that you are not at the mercy of your issues. Intimate Relationship

  19. Begin Again To Talk As Friends • To talk as friends, you have to listen like a friend listens. • Good friends listen with little defensiveness. • So when you’re sharing, you don’t worry whether your partner’s feelings are getting hurt or whether that person is being offended. • A friend is someone who’s glad to see you and doesn’t have any immediate plans for your improvement. • When you’re talking as friends, you are not trying to change one another. Intimate Relationship

  20. Begin Again To Talk As Friends • You can both relax and just enjoy the conversation. • Friends don’t focus on solving problems or on giving unwanted advice. They listen more. • You may have a limited amount of time together, but there is no pressure to get something done. • When you feel pressed to solve a problem, it is easy to cut off discussions that can bring you closer together. Intimate Relationship

  21. Begin Again To Talk As Friends • It is so important not to talk about relationship issues when you are together as friends. • With relationship issues, there is too much temptation to solve something and give advice. • When your focus is on conflict, it won’t be on one another in a positive way. Intimate Relationship

  22. Conclusion • Friendship is essential for intimacy in marriage. • It is not an unreasonable expectation to have your spouse be your best friend. • Most couples start out with a good taste of it. • It is just that friendships need to be nurtured in ways that many couples fail to realize until their friendship is all but gone. • Make it your goal to preserve and deepen your friendship for many years to come. Intimate Relationship

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