Why You Spend When You’re Not Okay

2. You didn’t plan to spiral. You were just trying to feel better for five minutes. So you clicked “add to cart.” Again. Now there’s a pit in your stomach. Again. And it’s not about the $82 you just spent. It’s about the shame that comes crashing in right after. The voice that says, “You’re reckless. You should know better. Why can’t you just control yourself?” Let’s stop there, because here’s something to ponder about: If you’ve been caught in a loop of emotional spending, shame, and secrecy… You are not broken.

3. You are not bad with money. You are responding, biologically and emotionally, to a deeper need. And it might have more to do with dopamine than discipline. What If It’s Not a Willpower Problem? Let’s talk about science for a second. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter tied to motivation, pleasure, and reward. When your brain anticipates something exciting, like a new pair of shoes, a delicious coffee, or the rush of an online checkout, it releases a hit of dopamine. That anticipation feels good. Safe. Comforting.

4. In people with ADHD or high emotional stress, dopamine regulation can become even more skewed. According to Dr. Russell Barkley, a clinical professor of psychiatry known for his research on ADHD, the brains of people with dopamine irregularities often crave stimulation and spending provides that quick hit. So when you’re overwhelmed, lonely, burnt out, or bored, your brain might seek comfort not through logic, but through that one-click purchase. It’s not about the thing you bought. It’s about the feeling it promised. It’s survival, not stupidity. Why Can’t I Just Get It Together? Because no one taught you how. Most of us weren’t raised with practical tools for emotional regulation, let alone financial literacy. And as women especially, we were told that talking about money was “tacky,” budgeting was a punishment, and self-worth was tied to perfection and not learning.

5. So when you struggle financially, it’s not just numbers on a spreadsheet, it’s personal. It hits your sense of value, your sense of capability, and your identity. That’s where the shame creeps in. Brené Brown, research professor and bestselling author, explains that shame thrives in silence. The less we talk about it, the deeper it buries itself. And when shame meets money? It festers—Quietly and Powerfully. Until you start believing that you are the problem and not your patterns, not your brain chemistry, not your environment, but you. But shame is a liar. And it loses its grip the moment you speak the truth. So What’s the First Step to Feeling Free? Not a spreadsheet. Not a budget overhaul. Not even canceling your subscriptions. It’s awareness, with zero judgment.

6. Try this: The next time you’re about to spend impulsively, pause and ask yourself, not with guilt, but with genuine curiosity, “What am I feeling right now?” Is it loneliness? Stress? Emptiness? Are you tired?Overwhelmed? Need a win? This is what money mindfulness actually looks like. Not precision. Not punishment. Just paying attention. Because when you catch the emotional cue, you create space for a new choice. One Gentle Shift at a Time Some argue that no one heals their entire money story overnight. But you can take one brave, doable step forward. Maybe it’s tracking your spending for a week and not to shame yourself, but to notice.

7. Maybe it’s deleting shopping apps from your phone or maybe it’s starting a “comfort list” of dopamine-boosters that don’t drain your wallet, like going outside, calling a friend, or dancing to your favorite song. Every small change builds trust with yourself. And trust is what breaks the cycle, not shame. Redefine What Being “Good With Money” Looks Like If your inner voice sounds like: “I’m just bad at this.” “I’ll never get ahead.” “Everyone else has it figured out but me.” Let’s rewrite the script.

8. Try saying: • “I’m learning how to take care of myself through money.” • “My patterns are not permanent.” • “I can build a relationship with money that feels safe.” • It’s not toxic positivity. It’s neuroplasticity. Your brain’s ability to change through new, repeated thoughts. The way you speak to yourself creates new belief pathways. New beliefs shape new behavior. And new behavior builds a new life. • Why This Matters (Way More Than the Money) • Money shame doesn’t just hurt your bank account. It chips away at your confidence. It keeps you stuck in survival mode. It disconnects you from your power. But when you start understanding your emotional triggers…When you make even one shift with self-compassion…When you stop punishing yourself for being human… • You reclaim something bigger than money:

9. Your sense of agency. Your ability to choose differently. Your right to feel peace. So, no, you don’t need to be perfect. You just need to pause. Get curious. And take one honest, kind step. The freedom you want doesn’t live in your future bank balance. It lives in this moment, where you decide not to ignore your pain anymore. And that is what real wealth begins with. You are not behind. You are not bad at this. You are just starting to see clearly. So check in. Breathe deep. Choose one small thing. And celebrate the hell out of that. You’re not alone and you’ve got this.

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