U. S. Department of Energy

Leadership Seminar Communication – Nonviolent Communication Module 3 U. S. Department of Energy

Communication

Why is effective communication so important?

What does good communication Look like? • Clear • Concise • Concrete • Correct • Coherent • Complete • Courteous Ref: http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newsCS_85.htm

Using NVC to Improve Leadership

How we respond affects how others respond • We have trouble seeing our own errors • Problems, failures, differences, or reckless behaviors • Emotion high jacking • Fight: attack, louder, longer, meaner • Flight: defending, run, withdraw, stonewall

What is Nonviolent Communication? • Observations • Feelings • Needs • Requests

Observing Without Evaluating “Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence” J. Krishnamurti

Observations • Free of evaluation • The last three times I initiated an activity, you said you didn’t want to do it • You seldom do what I want • He comes over at least three times a week • He frequently comes over • Free of judgment • Susan Boyle Video • Judgments • Evaluation • Observations • Observations should be based upon what you saw or heard, not what you think Beautiful Oleander “One of the most poisonous and dangerous flowers on earth”

Is this Observation free of Judgment and Evaluation? No • “Renae was angry with me yesterday for no reason” • “Yesterday evening Charlie bit his fingernails while talking to me at the drinking fountain.” • “My father is a good man!” • “Steve works too much.” • “John is a very aggressive person.” • “Pam was first in line every day this week.” • “Luke told me I didn’t look good in yellow.” • “My little girls don’t like to brush their teeth.” • “John is a jerk.” • I saw Phil show up for work 15 minutes early today Yes No No No Yes Yes No No Yes

What did you see? Forklift Operator

Feelings • Most people are raised to think or wonder: “What is it that others think is right for me to say and do?” • People tend to express their feelings through opinions rather than stating how we really feel. • Our feelings are a result of how we choose to receive others and based on our own needs and expectations.

Needs • Feelings are an indicator of needs Feelings Needs

Feelings and Needs “The more directly we can connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately.” Marshall B. Rosenberg Ph.D.

Requests • Focus on behavior • Use positive action language • Requests versus Demands • Be conscious of your requests

Focus on Behavior • What must people actually do? • Real change agents focus on behavior “It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, then do your best.” --W. Edward Deming

Using Positive Action Language • Stop spending so much time at work… • I don’t know what I want… The clearer you are about what it is you want, the more likely it is that you will get it. Marshall Rosenberg

Requests VS Demands • We can tell whether it was a request or a demand by observing behavior when the answer is NO • Criticizes or Judges, Blames, Guilt Trip • Coercive, manipulative, and the less we enjoy being around you • The Magic Words (Would you be willing) When a person hears a demand from us, they see two options: to submit or to rebel. Marshall Rosenberg

Being Conscious • Unconscious requests • Whenever we say something, we are expecting something in return • A consciousness of our behavior and way of being • Leadership and Self-Deception We are often not conscious of what we are requesting. Marshall Rosenberg

Is this a good request? No Yes • “I want you to understand me” • “I’d like you to tell me one thing that I do that you appreciate” • “I’d like you to feel more confidence in your self” • “I’d like you to let me be” • “I want you to stop drinking” • “I would like you to be honest with me about yesterdays meeting” No No No No

Is this a good request? cont. Yes • “I would like you to drive at or below the speed limit” • “I’d like to get to know you better” • “I’d like you to show respect for my privacy” • “I’d like you to prepare supper more often” • “I need you to recognize me when you get home” No No No No

Misunderstanding the message….

Conflict Management Conflict

Quote over conflict “Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.” — Max Lucade

Conflict Management • 5 Conflict Management Styles: • Accommodating • Avoiding • Collaborating • Competing • Compromising

Conflict Management Five Keys to Positive Interaction during conflict: • Position and interest • Just the facts • What’s the story? • Speak softly • The silent message

Conflict Management Trust, Communication and Conflict • People under stress can lose 80 percent of ability to process information. • People react to perceived threats rather than objective “reality.” • Lack of trust can multiply the perception of risk 2000 times. • Trust can overcome this barrier. Source: Dr. Vincent Covello, Center for Risk Communication

Conflict Management Honesty Competence Caring Commitment Source: Dr. Vincent Covello, Center for Risk Communication

Summary • Discussed the fundamentals of leadership including core attributes and expectations for setting and maintaining a high level of standards within the DOE complex. • Apply Fundamental Communication Skills such as Nonviolent Communication • Apply Conflict Management Skills

Key learnings • Record Daily Key Learnings: • Group Consensus – Key Points Learned • List on Flip Chart & Discuss Each Morning • Homework: • Individual Action Plan • Deliverable for Course Completion

U. S. Department of Energy