AECO 4020.090

1. Dave Renfro, UNT 1 AECO 4020.090 / 5050.090

2. Dave Renfro, UNT 2

3. Dave Renfro, UNT 3 What we will be doing… Week one (January 21): Discuss the physical dynamics of conflict Discuss the origins of conflict Week two (February 4): Review the types, persuasions, and outcomes of mutual problem-solving Review approaches to workplace conflict Begin review of the textbook’s 8 Paths Week three (February 18): Continue with review of textbook’s 8 Paths Week four (March 4): Conclude with textbook’s 8 Paths Present and turn in Book Analysis Turn in Final Exam

4. Dave Renfro, UNT 4 Course is broken into 3 grade components: Attendance and participation (20%) Book Analysis (40%) Final Exam (40%)

5. Dave Renfro, UNT 5 Attendance and Participation We have 5 sessions to complete the state required course work that is normally spread out in traditional 1-hour class meetings over an 18 week period. Absence for 1 weekend day is equivalent to missing 6 traditional class periods. Each day missed results in a deduction of 4 points from the cumulative score.

6. Dave Renfro, UNT 6 Book Analysis Answer 3 questions: WHAT is the theme of the book as it relates to conflict in the workplace? SO WHAT is it about that theme that resonates with your experiences and/or beliefs that causes you to understand the type of conflict discussed in the book the way you do? NOW WHAT does the book say and you believe should/could be done, if anything, about the type of conflict the book discusses?

7. Dave Renfro, UNT 7 Final Exam Answer 3 questions: WHAT events and/or circumstances have you experienced in the workplace (or in life) that caused you to be in conflict with yourself or another? What happened? SO WHAT is it about those events and/or circumstances that were important (value-based) enough to you or others that caused it to become conflict? Why is what happened important or what was its value? NOW WHAT, if anything, should / could you do about it by applying one or more selected Paths in the text RESOLVING CONFLICT AT WORK by Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith?

8. Dave Renfro, UNT 8 Format Double-spaced, easy to read,12 font type Each page numbered along with a cover page and course name, your name and an indication of whether the paper is the Book Analysis or the Final Exam Stapled together with no paperclips, dog-ears, or binders. All papers are due the last Saturday of class (March 4th).

9. Dave Renfro, UNT 9 Word Association

10. Dave Renfro, UNT 10 Getting proper PERSPECTIVE… Perspective is the way in which we view our world, the circumstances in which we find ourselves in our world, and our relationships with others as we try to figure out how the world works. So first, let’s make an adjustment to our perspectives as will talk with each other during these two days.

11. Dave Renfro, UNT 11 Perspective invites analysis. If your perspective can’t change, neither will your attitudes, your communications or your interactions.

12. Dave Renfro, UNT 12 Understanding conflict means understanding ourselves. It IS about getting to know… What causes conflict. How each of us creates our own conflict. Why conflict is an important asset to organizations and individuals. Why conflict should be accepted rather than rejected and welcomed rather than avoided. How we can benefit from more deliberate responses to and more constructive approaches with conflict.

13. Dave Renfro, UNT 13 CONFLICT(THE AMERICAN HERITAGE DICTIONARY,1981) “Prolonged fighting; warfare: Armed conflict could erupt at any time (e.g. “Going postal”) “A clash of opposing ideas, interests, etc.: a personality conflict. Psychological: The opposition of simultaneous functioning of mutually exclusive impulses, desires, or tendencies. NOTE: None of these definitions indicate that conflict is between good and bad, right and wrong, fair and unfair, moral and immoral, etc.

14. Dave Renfro, UNT 14 WORKPLACE DISPUTE RESOLUTION Sandra Gleason (Ibid, p.73) “Workplace performance and productivity and employee morale are directly related to the successful management of disputes.” “Poorly managed disputes result in costs to the employer that range from a dissatisfied workforce to the loss of productivity and ultimately to the loss of optimal effectiveness.” “Properly managed disputes can be stimuli to growth and necessary prerequisites to constructive organizational change.”

15. Dave Renfro, UNT 15 “To get to where you want be, you need to know where you are going.”(General Sun Tzu) We are all on a path going somewhere, so we should each ask these 3 questions: WHERE are we going? HOW are we going to get there? WHO are we taking with us?

16. Dave Renfro, UNT 16 Tools for Resolving Conflict Exertion of POWER One side wins and one side loses. Losers often hold grudges and seek to get even later and/or by other means. Enforcement of RIGHTS One side wins and one side loses. Losers often respond by exercising rights not previously exercised or exerting power not previously exerted. Satisfying of INTERESTS Each party seeks to achieve their individual interest while assisting (or at least not obstructing) the other party achieve their interests. When mutual interests are at issue, each party attempts to achieve their mutual interests. Each party tends to accept the achievement of the other without need to retaliate as each got what they needed in the decision-making process.

17. Dave Renfro, UNT 17 Persuasions for reaching agreement… Factual / statistical Argues evidentiary facts and demonstrable proof for position for agreement Rational / reasonable Argues logic as perceived by individual disputants as motivation for agreement Emotional / psychological Uses anger, blame, shame and name-calling to harass and intimidate opponents into agreeing

18. Dave Renfro, UNT 18 Methodologies for Managing Conflicts

19. Dave Renfro, UNT 19 An exploration into self… What are VALUES? How do they form? From where do they originate? What do values really mean to us individually and culturally? How do we encourage compliance with group values and discourage non-compliance with group values? Should group values apply to all individual citizens? Why? Why not? What is the difference between being a citizen and being a subject?

20. Dave Renfro, UNT 20 An exploration into society… Are corporations citizens? Do corporations have values? What are they? How do corporate values emerge? To whom do corporate values apply? Who is affected by corporate values? How do corporations encourage compliance with their values and discourage non-compliance?

21. Dave Renfro, UNT 21 Exploring the values of both… Between individual values and corporate values, which most dominates our society? How does the concept of FAIRNESS impact the values of both? In terms of Judeo-Christian traditions, what values are most culturally revered and individually respected? In constitutional democracies, what values are most culturally revered and individually respected? Can diverse and competing values coexist in the same culture without creating conflict?

22. Dave Renfro, UNT 22 Non-compliance of group values… Should individual citizens hold corporate citizens to its cultural values? If so, how? Should corporate citizens hold individuals to its corporate values? If so, how? Should government deregulate corporate citizen behavior to enable bigger corporate profit margins? Should government deregulate individual citizen behavior to enable greater freedom of individual desires? What difference, if any, ethically and/or morally is there between the two efforts to deregulate these respective behaviors?

23. Dave Renfro, UNT 23 Popular Models for Resolving Conflict Political Model BLAME those who disagree with you for not understanding; having a selfish agenda; etc. SHAME those who disagree with you by questioning their intelligence, ethics, honesty, etc. CLAIM your injured NAME your what you deserve as remedy Media Model Conjure up a personal excuse or allowance to justify hitting, kicking, stabbing, shooting, drowning, choking, and/or killing those who slow, obstruct, insult or disagree with you.

24. Dave Renfro, UNT 24 Examples of Political Model at work: REPUBLICANS… Advocate deregulation of business behaviors: Wages, hours, workplace safety, the environment, trade, pricing, banking, employment, construction, investments, health care, insurance, pharmaceuticals, privacy, Social Security, credit, media, and gun ownership Advocate more regulation of individual behaviors: Marriage, sex, indebtedness, employee rights, labor unions, indebtedness, education, entertainment, and non-pharmaceutical drugs DEMOCRATS… Advocate more regulation of business behaviors: Wages, hours, workplace safety, the environment, trade, banking, employment, construction, investments, health care, insurance, pharmaceuticals, privacy, Social Security, credit, media, and gun ownership Advocate less regulation of individual behaviors: Marriage, sex, indebtedness, labor unions, entertainment, and non-pharmaceutical drugs

25. Dave Renfro, UNT 25 How important is politics to workplace conflict? DOL OSHA EMSA DOE DOE DOD DOA DOT FLSA FMLA FAA FDA BLS NLRB FLRB MSPB EPA Legislation Court jurisdiction and precedent

26. Dave Renfro, UNT 26 And finally… We watched scenes from John Steinbeck’s “THE GRAPES OF WRATH” and saw examples of clashing cultural values of the rich and poor, land owners and migrant farmers, corporate citizens and individual citizens, and those with political power and those without political power.

27. Dave Renfro, UNT 27 Dynamics of… PART ONE – Beginnings (nature) of Conflict PART TWO – Approaches (responses) to Conflict DISCUSSION POINTS FOR BEGINNING THIS MODULE: Conflict, being emotional in nature, has a beginning of its own and a durational life of its own. Like all life forms, it has a certain energy and a certain motion of its own. As such, conflict has own dynamics. This module breaks conflict into two parts: (1) Beginnings or origins; and (2) Approaches or responses. Psychology reveals that natural responses to conflict are “fight” or “flight”. These approaches often exacerbate the energy (or life) of the conflict. A possible analogy to conflict as energy might be a comparison to the axiom regarding computers: “Garbage in, garbage out.” For conflict, it could be: “Energy in, energy out” as conflict is not just issue-oriented at an intellectual level, but feeling-based at an emotional level. Emotions take on energy. HOW one agrees to accept or to perceive that energy will either be a healthy or an unhealthy individual choice. Likewise, HOW one agrees to react to (or release) that energy is also a choice that can be healthy or unhealthy. The perceiving of and reacting to conflict are approaches with resulting dynamics.DISCUSSION POINTS FOR BEGINNING THIS MODULE: Conflict, being emotional in nature, has a beginning of its own and a durational life of its own. Like all life forms, it has a certain energy and a certain motion of its own. As such, conflict has own dynamics. This module breaks conflict into two parts: (1) Beginnings or origins; and (2) Approaches or responses. Psychology reveals that natural responses to conflict are “fight” or “flight”. These approaches often exacerbate the energy (or life) of the conflict. A possible analogy to conflict as energy might be a comparison to the axiom regarding computers: “Garbage in, garbage out.” For conflict, it could be: “Energy in, energy out” as conflict is not just issue-oriented at an intellectual level, but feeling-based at an emotional level. Emotions take on energy. HOW one agrees to accept or to perceive that energy will either be a healthy or an unhealthy individual choice. Likewise, HOW one agrees to react to (or release) that energy is also a choice that can be healthy or unhealthy. The perceiving of and reacting to conflict are approaches with resulting dynamics.

28. Dave Renfro, UNT 28 “The greatest enemy of learning is not ignorance, but what you think you already know.”and“We know we cannot teach you anything you are not willing to learn.” RESOLVING CONGFLICT AT WORK: A Complete Guide for Everyone on the Job by Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith

29. Dave Renfro, UNT 29 Theory…Dictionary of Theories, Jennifer Bothamley, 2002 Theory: A general principle supported by a substantial body of scientific evidence which explains observed facts. As a probable explanation for observations, a theory offers an intellectual framework for future discussion, investigation and refinement.” Conflict Theory: Theory of politics as moderated antagonism. Best seen as competition or conflict over resources, power or prestige. Competitive-Exclusion Principle: If two species have identical resource requirements then they cannot coexist in the same environment, unless resources are unlimited.

30. Dave Renfro, UNT 30 “Every conflict we face in life is rich with positive and negative potential. It can be a source of inspiration, enlightenment, learning, transformation, and growth – or of rage, fear, shame, entrapment, and resistance. The choice is not up to our opponents, but to us, and our willingness to face and work through them. Mediator and author Kenneth Cloke, MEDIATING DANGEROUSLY

31. Dave Renfro, UNT 31 Academic disciplines are themselves searches for RESOLUTION to CONFLICT. EXAMPLES: RELIGION: A search for meaning and faith while confronting the conflict of uncertainty and temptation. EDUCATION: A search for knowledge while confronting the conflict of ignorance. LAW: A search for social order while confronting the conflict of societal anarchy. MEDICINE: A search for cures while confronting the conflict of disease. PHILOSOPHY: A search for logic while confronting the conflict of confusion. PSYCHOLOGY: A search for mental function and emotional order while confronting the conflict of mental dysfunction and emotional disorder. MANAGEMENT: A search for production and efficiency while confronting the conflict of competition and imperfection. CONFLICT RESOLUTION: A search for contentment with self while confronting the conflict of discontentment in and between others.

32. Dave Renfro, UNT 32 Fear, Assumption, Attribution, Understanding and Acceptance What people are most afraid of is what they don’t understand (the unknown). When people don’t understand (don’t know), they assume or attribute to explain or justify in order to connect the dots or fill in the gaps. However, what people understand they accept more easily.

33. Dave Renfro, UNT 33 Important to remember… Managing conflict is about making decisions, rather than controlling events or people. Don’t confuse your right to make a decision with believing that the decision you make is necessarily right. Confronting conflict is being pro-active, rather than reactive. Ignoring conflict is being passive, rather than tolerant. Accommodating conflict is being self-destructive, not compassionate.

34. Dave Renfro, UNT 34 Considerations for minimizing relationship conflicts… Making more money doesn’t mean you are of more value. Making major decisions doesn’t mean you matter more. Having more authority doesn’t mean you are more significant. Possessing more power doesn’t mean you are more important. Having more responsibility doesn’t mean you are more responsible. Working more hours doesn’t mean you are more loyal. And having title that is higher doesn’t mean you are superior.

35. Dave Renfro, UNT 35 Conflict and Self-Awareness “To truly understand conflict, you must first KNOW (empower) yourself.” Kenneth Cloke, MEDIATING DANGEROUSLY: The Frontiers of Conflict Resolution “The 3 hardest things in life are diamonds, steel and KNOWING (how to empower) yourself. Of these, knowing yourself is the hardest.” Benjamin Franklin as quoted in Poor Richards Almanac “Of what use is mere knowledge when the self is not known?” I AM THAT: Talks with Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, Acorn Press

36. Dave Renfro, UNT 36 Mahatma GandhiTHE WAY TO GOD by M.K. Gandhi (edited by M.S. Desphande, 1999) “Man is the maker of his own destiny in the sense that he has freedom of choice as to the manner in which he uses his freedom. But he is no controller of results. The moment he thinks he is, he comes to grief.” “It is the duty of every human being to look carefully within and see himself as he is, and spare no pains to improve himself in body, mind and soul.” “He is no warrior who fights outside foes of his imagination and is powerless to lift his little finger against innumerable foes within or what is worse, mistakes them for friends.”

37. Dave Renfro, UNT 37 “Your desire to know other people’s minds is due to your not knowing your own mind. First know your own mind and you will find that the question of other minds does not arise…” I AM THAT (Talks with Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, edited by Sudhakar S. Dikshit, Acorn Press, 1973, p. 257)

38. Dave Renfro, UNT 38 Ageless wisdom regarding knowing yourself (self-actualization) “He who has (knows) the why to live can bear with almost any how.” (Nietzsche) “The last of the human freedoms [is] the ability to chose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.” (Victor Frankl) The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism “And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brothers eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” (Jesus, Matthew 7:3)

39. Dave Renfro, UNT 39 CONFLICT… Origin is from Latin word: “Conflictus” Literally means: “To cause pain, distress or anguish.” (Greek word “ang” means “to compete” and is also the root word for “agony.”) Other words derived from Conflictus are: Afflict Affliction

40. Dave Renfro, UNT 40 Conflict has DYNAMIC DYNAMIC defined: Lively Active Vibrant Forceful Vigorous ENERGETIC Chinese word for energy is “qi” or “chi” as in Qigong or Tai Chi. Laws of thermo-dynamics: Merging (combining) energies transfer power (heat) to each other. Energy always follows the path of least resistance. Energy can never be destroyed; it can only change form… Theory of Relativity: Energy in motion becomes mass. Energy (such as calories) in motion (such as digesting) becomes mass (such as muscle or fat).

41. Dave Renfro, UNT 41 Work is a part of life. Conflict at work has an origin and a dynamic similar to life in all other respects. Conflict has… Motion (momentum, speed) “This negative attitude has spread throughout the workforce.” Mass (volume, weight, depth, height, breadth) “The tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife.” Friction (temperature, resistance, force) “His temper really rubs me the wrong way.” Space (proximity) “Just being in the same room with him makes me angry.” Time (duration and limitation) “How much longer are we going to put up with this.”

42. Dave Renfro, UNT 42 Common terms for people using computers… “Garbage in…” “Garbage out…”

43. Dave Renfro, UNT 43 Uncommon terms for people engaging in conflict… Energy in! Energy out!

44. Dave Renfro, UNT 44 Common phrases recognizing the physiology of conflict… I’m steaming mad! He’s really hot about what happened! She was so mad her blood boiled! He’s really hot tempered! He threw a real temper-tantrum! She’s a real hothead! Wait until he cools off! Surely he’s cooled down by now! We can talk when your temper isn’t so hot! Has he calmed down yet? You don’t look so stressed since you calmed down!

45. Dave Renfro, UNT 45 The most often communicated phrase to reflect understanding… “I lost my temper!” Where did you lose it? Can you find it again? Might someone else find it instead? If someone else finds your temper can it hurt them? More accurately stated: “We release (provide relief for) our tempers”? Can’t we chose how to release our tempers then? Constructively rather than destructively? Deliberately rather than recklessly? Compassionately rather than vindictively? Tactfully rather than maliciously?

46. Dave Renfro, UNT 46 People in relationships either contribute or contaminate. How we each react is a choice each of us individually makes.

47. Dave Renfro, UNT 47 Responsible ANGER… “Anyone can become angry (receive energy) – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way (release energy) – that is not easy.” Aristotle in Ethics

48. Dave Renfro, UNT 48 “It is an engineering issue – what do you want to do with your vital energy? This is one of the key questions of human life, and one that for many of us is no longer well addressed through the categories of good and evil.” THE WAY TO GOD by M.K. Gandhi (Ibid)

49. Dave Renfro, UNT 49 Origins of Conflict Beginnings of Conflict BEGINNINGS OF CONFLICT All life has beginning. Conflict has life. This will be an examination of the origins of conflict and the life it endures. How we individually and collectively approach conflict is similar to the way in which we approach other areas of our lives: Healthy v. Unhealthy Constructive v. Destructive Accepting v. Rejecting Ignorantly v. SkillfullyBEGINNINGS OF CONFLICT All life has beginning. Conflict has life. This will be an examination of the origins of conflict and the life it endures. How we individually and collectively approach conflict is similar to the way in which we approach other areas of our lives: Healthy v. Unhealthy Constructive v. Destructive Accepting v. Rejecting Ignorantly v. Skillfully

50. Dave Renfro, UNT 50 Video clip: “Mind Walk”(A journey into the world of interconnectedness.)

51. Dave Renfro, UNT 51 Conflict begins in…

52. Dave Renfro, UNT 52 “It is the stars, the stars above us, govern our conditions.” King Lear by Shakespeare

53. Dave Renfro, UNT 53 Conflict in NATURE Nature itself is filled with the conflict of competing energies and forces. (Einstein claimed matter and energy were interchanging and interchangeable within space) “Big Bang” theory: A cosmological theory that attempts to explain the origin of matter and radiation in the universe in terms of a cataclysmic explosion supposed to have occurred 10-20 billion years ago. (DICTIONARY OF THEORIES, edited by Jennifer Bothamley, 2002) “The calcium in our bones, the iron in our blood and the oxygen we breathe all came from the ashes of ancient stars, which had either exploded as supernovae or died slowly, releasing their matter into space.” (“Reviews of Modern Physics” by Margaret and Geoffrey Burbidge, William Fowler and Fred Hoyle, 1957, in verifying all matter and life in the universe is composed of stardust.)

54. Dave Renfro, UNT 54 No such thing as “matter” Physicist Max Plunck, who worked with Albert Einstein on atomic research, proved that there is no such thing as “matter.” There is only the vibrating force (energy) of the universe that keeps atoms moving in patterns that we can see, touch and predict.

55. Dave Renfro, UNT 55 Energy releases in nature that exhibit certain dynamic phenomena and activity patterns… Tornadoes (competing atmospheric pressures) Earthquakes (competing subterranean pressures) Mudslides (gravity: “Energy in motion, becomes mass.”) Hurricanes (competing temperature pressures) Volcanic eruptions (thermodynamics) Forest fires (equal and opposite forces) Tsunamis (multiple objects of mass occupying same space)

56. Dave Renfro, UNT 56 Energy releases in our physical world or at work are natural and they produce CHANGE. Family, community, church, neighborhoods, civic clubs, business, unions, are all forms of living organisms. The opposite of change for living organisms isn’t stagnation or status quo – it is death. Without your body’s cells constantly changing, you would physically die. “The only thing constant in life is change.” Alvin Toffler in FUTURE SHOCK (1970s)

57. Dave Renfro, UNT 57 Change is a form of death in that change constitutes a loss of what in fact had existed before or a contradiction of held expectations. The 5 stages of grief (Dr. Theodore Bissel, Psychologist): Denial or confusion Sadness or depression Anger or anxiety Resignation or giving up Acceptance Dr. Bissel warns of “flat lining” in any of the first 4 stages as being potentially fatal to functionality for individuals or organizations.

58. Dave Renfro, UNT 58 Conflict invites growth… Conflict, crisis, and tragedy serve as the means by which we reach into our inner depths, learn our core values, and become aware of our true character.

59. Dave Renfro, UNT 59 THE WAY TO GOD by M.K. Gandhi (Ibid) “I do feel that there is orderliness in the universe, that there is an unalterable law governing everything and every being that lives and moves. It is not a blind law, for no blind law can govern the conduct of living beings… The law and the lawgiver are one.”

60. Dave Renfro, UNT 60 Beginnings in Communications “Language is an exact reflection of the growth and character of its speaker.” -Mahatma Gandhi

61. Dave Renfro, UNT 61 Hearing versus Listening To hear is a physical response and requires only the use of our ears. To listen is a psychological response and requires the use of our minds, ears, hearts and eyes!

62. Dave Renfro, UNT 62 Communication Model… Transmits Encodes (assigns value) Thought, concept, idea or intention originates Receives Decodes (assigns value) Interprets thought, concept, idea or intention

63. Dave Renfro, UNT 63 Creating Communication Gaps Encoding versus Decoding

64. Dave Renfro, UNT 64 Perhaps you suffer from a communications gap! Gender gap (male v. female) Cultural gap (race, ethnicity, religion, etc.) Generation gap (age and experience) Language gap (languages barriers) Technology gap (skill levels and abilities) Political gap (us v. them or right v. wrong) Perception gap (beliefs, opinions, ideals) Workplace gap (all of the above)

65. Dave Renfro, UNT 65 Communicate with the other person’s perspective in mind. Appreciate and respect the other person’s point of view. Each of us has varying interests, needs and responsibilities at any given time or at the same time. “The wise person seeks first to understand AND then to be understood.” Confucius Also Stephen Covey’s 5th Habit for Highly Successful People

66. Dave Renfro, UNT 66 COMMUNICATION(At best, an imperfect art!) Average person can speak 150-200 words per minute, but can hear and comprehend 600-800 words per minute. 17 second zone out, 10 minute daydream Average person forgets approximately 75% of what they hear and confuses approximately 50% of what they remember. People tend to listen passively and/or defensively rather than attentively. We tend to listen for the how or why of stories, but we tend to speak of the what, where or when of it, creating frequent interruptions between speaker and listener.

67. Dave Renfro, UNT 67 Communication’s DiscontinuityMIND WIDE OPEN: Your Brain and the Neuroscience of Everyday Life by Steven Johnson, Scribner Press, 2004 (pp.7-8) THE PHYSIOLOGY OF LISTENING: “Discontinuities occur… because your conscience, second-by-second processing of a verbal conversation happens in one part of your brain, while your emotional evaluations (the how or why of something) happen somewhere else.” “Most of your immediate focus on generating and comprehending spoken words takes place, broadly speaking, in the prefrontal lobes of the neocortex, the most evolutionary modern part of the brain.”

68. Dave Renfro, UNT 68 Discontinuity continued…(MIND WIDE OPEN, Ibid) “But the emotions (93 in all) largely issue forth from areas located below the cortex, the region often called the ‘limbic system,’ while some of their bodily effects are triggered one layer below the limbic system, in the brain stem that lies at the top of the spinal column.” “The activity in the prefrontal lobes consists mostly of the flash of neurons talking to each other (interconnecting energies) … while the limbic system starts a cascade of events that lead to the release of chemicals that travel throughout the body, including one called ‘cortisol’ that is responsible for much of the physical damage caused by long-term stress.”

69. Dave Renfro, UNT 69 COMMUNICATIONS… continued Dr. Albert Mehrabain, Psychology Professor, UCLA Effectiveness in communication is based… 7% on the words actually spoken; 38% on what is heard in the tone of voice; and 55% on what is seen in body language. “He that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him from every pore.” -Sigmund Freud

70. Dave Renfro, UNT 70 Types of Listening…

71. Dave Renfro, UNT 71 Types of Listening…

72. Dave Renfro, UNT 72 Levels of communications Surface level (child) What they’re actually saying Underlying level (adolescent) What they’re not saying Subterfuge level (adult) What they’re saying, but not meaning

73. Dave Renfro, UNT 73 Remember… Just because we may be in a position that requires us to communicate more doesn’t mean we are better communicators. (As seen in next set of slides)

74. Dave Renfro, UNT 74 Beginnings in BELIEFS / VALUESThose cultural, religious, political, economic, and other such prejudices and positions that YOU and I both have! Based upon our collective and/or individual… Always moving, often changing, and not always consistently in balance with each other!

75. Dave Renfro, UNT 75 Conflict begins with BELIEFS / VALUES The Creation (BIBLE, King James Version): “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep: and the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, ‘Let there be light.’ And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.” (Chapter 1, versus 1-4) “And God said, ‘Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters; and let it divide the waters which were under the firmament, and divided the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so. And God called the firmament Heaven… And God called the dry land Earth.” (Chapter 1, versus 6-10) “But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it; for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.” (Chapter 2, verse 17)

76. Dave Renfro, UNT 76 The Biblical creation introduces us to… DIVISIONS between: MATTER (land and water; plants and animals), TIME (day and night), and SPACE (heaven and earth); PEOPLE (man and woman); GENERATIONS (parents and children); Concepts such as… LIGHTNESS versus DARKNESS GOOD versus EVIL, LIFE versus DEATH, LOVE versus HATE, OBEDIENCE versus DESIRE, HONOR versus DECEIPT; and ACTIONS begetting CONSEQUENCES

77. Dave Renfro, UNT 77 According to a 2004 Lou Harris Poll: 90% of adult Americans profess to believe in God. Of these, 50% also believe in ghosts (not to be confused with angels or the “Holy Spirit”). Approximately 35% believe in the accuracy of astrology. Another 25% believe they were reincarnated from other people who lived during a time before them. And approximately 65% of them believe in the devil and in hell; but only a fraction believe they will go there themselves and expressing a belief that the great masses of others will go there instead.

78. Dave Renfro, UNT 78 A sampling of individual and/or group BELIEFS and VALUES that impact how we view life and contribute to our own conflict: Being liberal or neo-liberal, conservative or neo-conservative, moderate, independent, internationalist, isolationist, or multi-nationalist Being rich, poor, middle class, investing class, owner, renter, consumer, conserver, debtor or indebted Being of a race, ethnicity, gender, religion, and/or family Being young, old, adolescent, middle age, retired, still working, very experienced or a novice, professional, technical or unskilled Being of or having a particular mental and physical ability, physical appearance and/or particular size and weight Being from the north, south, east, west, mid-west, northeast, northwest, southeast, southwest, urban, suburban, rural,, U.S. territories or protectorates, or from foreign country

79. Dave Renfro, UNT 79 Iceberg Theory of Conflict(Resolving Conflict At Work by Kenneth Cloke)Issue Personalities Emotions Interests, needs and desires Self-perceptions and self-esteem Hidden expectations Unresolved issues from the past Socio-political, cultural, and economic perceptions

80. Dave Renfro, UNT 80 What you expect depends on your PERCEPTIONS! (BRAIN POWER by Dr. Kenneth Albright) Perceptions are comprised of… Recognition (Based upon what is seen, heard, felt, tasted or smelled – the senses) Interpretation (Based upon experiences and circumstances –the meaning or value applied) Expectations (Based upon mental and behavioral patterns) …and they constitute the way we see things!

81. Dave Renfro, UNT 81 The power of expectations… “People are disturbed not by the events that happen to them, but by their view of them.” (Epictetus) “Whatever men expect, they soon come to believe they have a right to.” (C.S. Lewis)

82. Dave Renfro, UNT 82 Memories alter Perception “Memories transform our perception of the present, but the process is even more nuanced and layered than that: reactivating memories in a new context changes the trace of the memory itself.” “…memories effectively get rewritten every time they’re activated, thanks to a process called reconsolidation.” MIND WIDE OPEN (Ibid, p.48)

83. Dave Renfro, UNT 83 Physiology of PerceptionDr. Deepak Chopra, Chopra Center, La Jolla, California (former Chief of Cardiology, Johns Hopkins Hospital) Our brains receive 4 billion bytes of information per second, but can only process about 2 thousand bytes per second. Therefore, what our neurological system can actually see, hear, feel, or experience is only .000054% of what is actually there.

84. Dave Renfro, UNT 84 Our perceptions become our realities… Two kinds of TRUTH: Absolute truth (physical laws) Can’t defy; deny, ignore or violate No intellectual interpretation needed Relative truth (people’s beliefs, opinions, values) All that is not absolute is relative Needs intellectual interpretation Rhetorical truth in that it invites challenge

85. Dave Renfro, UNT 85 PERCEPTION is the way we view things. If you don’t see it the way I do, then you must be looking at it the wrong way.

86. Dave Renfro, UNT 86 If you are RIGHT, then they must be WRONG: Language that invites CONFLICT WRONG (defined): If used as an adjective… Not correct Contrary to conscience, morality, law or custom: “Cheating is wrong.” Unfair or unjust Not intended or wanted Not fitting or suitable; inappropriate; improper Not functioning properly; amiss

87. Dave Renfro, UNT 87 Right versus Wrong… continued WRONG (defined): If used as an adverb… Mistakenly; erroneously Immorally or unjustly; behave wrong If used as a noun… An unjust, injurious, or immoral act or circumstance A violation of another’s legal rights to his damage The condition of being mistaken or to blame.

88. Dave Renfro, UNT 88 Start (coloring book)

89. Dave Renfro, UNT 89 Part Two: Approaches to Conflict WHAT TO DO ABOUT CONFLICT? Discuss how conflict exists as a part of human nature. It is our receptivity to and acceptance of it that we can regulate. Even when the conduct or words of others, or the circumstances of life, make us angry, sad, or frustrated, it is still our reaction to such that determines whether we are in conflict. And if we are in conflict, we still determine what to do and how to do it in reaction to that conflict. WE CONTROL OUR APPROACH TO THE CONFLICT WE FEEL. Part Two is about our approaches to conflict and what those dynamics are.WHAT TO DO ABOUT CONFLICT? Discuss how conflict exists as a part of human nature. It is our receptivity to and acceptance of it that we can regulate. Even when the conduct or words of others, or the circumstances of life, make us angry, sad, or frustrated, it is still our reaction to such that determines whether we are in conflict. And if we are in conflict, we still determine what to do and how to do it in reaction to that conflict. WE CONTROL OUR APPROACH TO THE CONFLICT WE FEEL. Part Two is about our approaches to conflict and what those dynamics are.

90. Dave Renfro, UNT 90 If conflict is part of human nature, is resolution also part human nature?

91. Dave Renfro, UNT 91 Innate Neurological Responses (approaches) to Sensory Information Our brains have two physiological functions: To survive… Fight or flee when threatened (physically, emotionally, or psychologically) To organize… Seek order from chaos (emptiness, void, firmament); understand what we sense

92. Dave Renfro, UNT 92 Emotional Contributors to Conflict “Hierarchy of Human Needs” (Dr. Abraham Maslow, Psychologist) Conflict occurs when basic human needs are not met: Need to survive Physically, emotionally, spiritually, economically, politically, etc. Need to belong To give and receive love Need to be empowered To determine life for yourself (work, home, social) Need to be free To think and make decisions for yourself Need to have fun To find and know value for living, working and playing

93. Dave Renfro, UNT 93 Humans need to be RIGHT…From THE POWER OF LOSING CONTROL by Joe Caruso People have a need to be right. People have a need to be perceived as being right. You can’t coerce people into believing they are not right. However, you can help change another’s perspective about what might be right.

94. Dave Renfro, UNT 94 Consequences of needing to be right… “People who need to be right will never be well.” Sign on a placard in a marriage counselor’s office The need to be right is the intention to be ignorant.

95. Dave Renfro, UNT 95 Questions to answer before responding to conflict: What? WHAT has happened that causes this (whatever it is) to be CONFLICT? So what? SO WHAT is it about what has happened that rises to the value of CONFLICT for me or us? Now what? NOW WHAT if anything can or should I or we do to constructively address the CONFLICT?

96. Dave Renfro, UNT 96 FEAR and LOVE act out or manifest as other emotions and/or behaviors: Conflict occurs when a person’s needs are not met and behaviors of FEAR are manifested: Jealousy Depression Hate Anxiety Resentment Anger Resolution occurs when a person’s needs are met and behaviors of LOVE are manifested: Confidence Joy Tolerance Contentment Acceptance Forgiveness

97. Dave Renfro, UNT 97 The Hidden Truth of ConflictResolving Conflict at Work by Kenneth Cloke “The hidden truth of conflict resolution is that every conflict already contains its own resolution.” “The first step in clearing a path for action and resolving our conflicts requires us to let go of what keeps us hooked, including our need to be right.”

98. Dave Renfro, UNT 98 Clues contained in the conflict… Accusation as confession People who feel guilty often accuse others as a diversion Insult as denial Insults say more about the character of the insulter than the character of the insulted Anger as vulnerability Expressions of anger admit needs are not being met Defensiveness as egoism Mistaken assumptions of self-importance to others in regard to their own conflict Withdrawal as rage Silencing your rage is a means of control Passivity as aggression Undermining others maintains silent control Attack as smokescreen Efforts to divert attention from self Apathy or cynicism as caring Pretense to cover deep feelings of hurt or protect from possible hurt

99. Dave Renfro, UNT 99 When you know or become aware of the nature of someone, something, or even yourself, you no longer have to be surprised or disappointed by their actions or words. All creatures live by and return their true nature.

100. Dave Renfro, UNT 100 Five Styles of Conflict Management Thomas-Killman’s Personality Styles FIVE STYLES OF CONFLICT MANAGEMENT Thomas and Killman are psychologists who developed personality styles for conflict. The following overheads discuss those five styles and their corresponding anger response styles that often result from the respective approaches to conflict.FIVE STYLES OF CONFLICT MANAGEMENT Thomas and Killman are psychologists who developed personality styles for conflict. The following overheads discuss those five styles and their corresponding anger response styles that often result from the respective approaches to conflict.

101. Dave Renfro, UNT 101 Understanding approaches to conflict… Issue: Conflict as CONTENT Maslow’s needs: Need to survive at any level: (e.g., family, future, income, security, working conditions, etc.) Physiologically hardwired in the human biological make-up Relationship: Conflict in CONTEXT Maslow’s needs: Need to belong Need to be empowered Need to be free Need to have fun Psychologically hardwired in the human emotional make-up

102. Dave Renfro, UNT 102 The content and context of CONFLICT ISSUE Has the issue to be addressed been identified and/or defined… Is it a problem to solve? Is it a change to make? Is it an idea to advance? Is it an agenda to coerce? In other words, what need is being addressed? RELATIONSHIP Motivations for communicative and behavioral interactions are based upon… FEAR of something or someone; or LOVE for something or someone. CONFLICT HAS TWO SIDES TO ADDRESS Discuss how every conflict, in order to exist, has two aspects: (1) The content of the ISSUE; and (2) the context of the RELATIONSHIP. Read aloud and discuss as desired the statements following each category.CONFLICT HAS TWO SIDES TO ADDRESS Discuss how every conflict, in order to exist, has two aspects: (1) The content of the ISSUE; and (2) the context of the RELATIONSHIP. Read aloud and discuss as desired the statements following each category.

103. Dave Renfro, UNT 103 Five Styles of Conflict Management…(*According to Thomas-Killman personality styles) ISSUE Successful resolution addresses the issue and preserves the relationship. RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP A graphic reminder of previous discussion.A graphic reminder of previous discussion.

104. Dave Renfro, UNT 104 Conflict Management Style #1 ISSUE Avoider RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP AVOIDERS The graph demonstrates that avoiders seek neither to resolve the content of the issue or the context of the relationship. Nothing is addressed. AVOIDERS The graph demonstrates that avoiders seek neither to resolve the content of the issue or the context of the relationship. Nothing is addressed.

105. Dave Renfro, UNT 105 AVOIDERS anger reaction style ISSUE *Speak no evil *Hear no evil *See no evil Heavy personal stress toll Avoider RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP ANGER STYLE OF AVOIDERS Chart is self-explanatory.ANGER STYLE OF AVOIDERS Chart is self-explanatory.

106. Dave Renfro, UNT 106 Conflict Management Style #2 ISSUE Avoider Accommodator RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP ACCOMMODATORS The graph demonstrates that the accommodator addresses the relationship aspect of the conflict, but at the expense of the issue.ACCOMMODATORS The graph demonstrates that the accommodator addresses the relationship aspect of the conflict, but at the expense of the issue.

107. Dave Renfro, UNT 107 ACCOMMODATORS anger reaction style ISSUE Passive Aggressive Gets even and holds grudges Appears to get along, but represses hostility Avoider Accommodator RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP ANGER STYLE OF ACCOMMODATORS The chart is self-explanatory.ANGER STYLE OF ACCOMMODATORS The chart is self-explanatory.

108. Dave Renfro, UNT 108 Conflict Management Style #3 ISSUE Competitor Avoider Accommodator RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP COMPETITORS The graph demonstrates that competitors address the issue at the expense of the relationship. COMPETITORS The graph demonstrates that competitors address the issue at the expense of the relationship.

109. Dave Renfro, UNT 109 COMPETITORS anger reaction style ISSUE Competitor Projects anger outwardly. Very defensive of positions. Often suspicious of others. Openly hostile & w/o guilt. Avoider Accommodator RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP ANGER STYLE OF COMPETITORS The graph is self-explanatory.ANGER STYLE OF COMPETITORS The graph is self-explanatory.

110. Dave Renfro, UNT 110 Conflict Management Style #4 ISSUE Competitor Compromiser Avoider Accommodator RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP COMPROMISERS Compromisers address some of the issue and some of the relationship to preserve just enough of each to maintain reduced levels of both. However, neither the issue nor the relationship is resolved completely.COMPROMISERS Compromisers address some of the issue and some of the relationship to preserve just enough of each to maintain reduced levels of both. However, neither the issue nor the relationship is resolved completely.

111. Dave Renfro, UNT 111 COMPROMISERS anger reaction style ISSUE Competitor Usually controls Might “shame” anger and accepts and “blame” to give-and-take situations. to get leverage. Will use as a tactic. Compromiser Avoider Accommodator RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP ANGER STYLES OF COMPROMISERS The graph is self-explanatory.ANGER STYLES OF COMPROMISERS The graph is self-explanatory.

112. Dave Renfro, UNT 112 Conflict Management Style #5 ISSUE Competitor Collaborator Compromiser Avoider Accommodator RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP COLLABORATORS Collaborators demonstrate the only style that resolves both the content of the issue and the context of the relationship. Other styles may manage conflict, but collaborators seek to resolve conflict.COLLABORATORS Collaborators demonstrate the only style that resolves both the content of the issue and the context of the relationship. Other styles may manage conflict, but collaborators seek to resolve conflict.

113. Dave Renfro, UNT 113 COLLABORATORS anger reaction style ISSUE Competitor Collaborator Healthy anger used when appropriate to Compromiser circumstance. Avoider Accommodator RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP ANGER STYLE OF COLLABORATORS The graph is self-explanatory. Anger is felt sincerely and only when a true sense of being wronged or unjustly treated does it manifest. When it does manifest, it is not strategic or reckless, but directed and responsible.ANGER STYLE OF COLLABORATORS The graph is self-explanatory. Anger is felt sincerely and only when a true sense of being wronged or unjustly treated does it manifest. When it does manifest, it is not strategic or reckless, but directed and responsible.