1 / 25

Introduction

Reclaiming Your Love: Relationship Tools for Parents of Children with Special Needs Vanessa Slivken, M.A. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Introduction. You are the experts in your life Impact of having a child with special needs.

asabi
Télécharger la présentation

Introduction

An Image/Link below is provided (as is) to download presentation Download Policy: Content on the Website is provided to you AS IS for your information and personal use and may not be sold / licensed / shared on other websites without getting consent from its author. Content is provided to you AS IS for your information and personal use only. Download presentation by click this link. While downloading, if for some reason you are not able to download a presentation, the publisher may have deleted the file from their server. During download, if you can't get a presentation, the file might be deleted by the publisher.

E N D

Presentation Transcript

  1. Reclaiming Your Love:Relationship Tools for Parents of Children with Special NeedsVanessa Slivken, M.A.Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

  2. Introduction • You are the experts in your life • Impact of having a child with special needs. • Importance of balancing your responsibilities to yourself, partner, and kids. • This is not meant to be an exhaustive list of tips and tools for relationship success • Fill your ‘bag of tricks’ with things that work for you • If something doesn’t work, don’t give up; try something else. • My hope for you is that you will be challenged to think differently and excited to try some of the following ideas with your partner. Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  3. Myths and Facts • Myth: Divorce rate in families with kids with Autism is drastically higher (around 80%) • Fact: Current divorce rate for couples without children with Autism = 35% • Fact: Current divorce rate for couples with children with Autism = 36% • Brian Freedman, PhD, Clinical Director of the Center for Autism and Related Disorders at the Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore, MD Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  4. Myths and Facts • Why is this important? • Teaches us not to follow self-fulfilling prophecies (i.e. “we’re doomed”) • ALL relationships take work to be healthy and sustaining! “Nobody is ready for marriage – marriage makes us ready for marriage.” - David Schnarch Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  5. “Many couples that report high satisfaction also report significant differences in temperament, interests, and family values. They engage in arguments over money, jobs, kids, housekeeping, sex, and in-laws.” - John Gottman Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  6. We all have needs • How do we meet each other’s needs? • First, we have to know what those needs are! • Love Languages: • Words of Affirmation • Quality Time • Receiving Gifts • Acts of Service • Physical Touch • Gary Chapman, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  7. Self/Relationship Care • Find an effective way to take care of yourself. • Do what you love doing that you haven’t done in ages, what makes you feel really good, relaxed, at peace, content, and happy. • Need relaxation techniques? Come find me.  Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  8. Self/Relationship Care • “But, that’s selfish, I don’t have time to take care of myself. My family needs me.” • What happens when you have nothing left to give? • You must take care of yourself before taking care of others. • Get out and celebrate all you have accomplished together! Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  9. Communicate (usually) • Find a way to express what is happening inside you • Don’t close each other out • Talk about the good and bad things in the day, what you’re feeling/thinking • Give compliments, say what you’re thankful for and appreciate • Simple – but many couples don’t actually do this • We are not mind readers • No matter how obvious it seems, don’t count on someone else’s ability to know what you need • Unfair and will only accomplish frustration and hurting all of those involved • Positivity breeds positivity Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  10. Communicate (usually) • Know when to just let it go • Avoiding conflict will not necessarily ruin your relationship. • What works for you? • Solve your solvable problems. • Inevitable conflict tips • Soften your start-up • Deliver and accept repair attempts • Compromise and learn from each other Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  11. Communicate (usually) • “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical” • It’s so important to recognize the belief systems and sore spots that have been created in yourself and your partner through years of living and experiencing the world. • It cannot be stressed enough how helpful counseling can be in this area. • Once we can understand what our triggers are and where they came from, we can start to forgive ourselves and have more compassion for each other. • Awareness and understanding lead to responsibility, healing, and growth. Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  12. Communicate (usually) • “I have a dream.” • Dream exists, but is not being realized. • Happens frequently for all families, but typically a lot more in families with children with special needs. • Dream in conflict. • How close can you get? • May not be lost, but changed. Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  13. Balance, don’t compete • Research has indicated that in general a woman’s stress raises when she walks through her front door and a man’s stress decreases. • The point is not who is bad or good or right or wrong • The point is that it’s different for men and women and to pay attention to this difference. • Emotional reactions • Often times moms feel alone caring for a child with special needs. • Research suggests dads typically want to fix the diagnosis • If something can’t be fixed, they may feel inadequate and pull away. • Care-taker and nurturer ~vs~ rock and protector Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  14. Balance, don’t compete • Know, Respect, Balance, and Appreciate each other’s roles • Unhappy marriages keep a score card. • “You scratch my back…” • Our roles in the relationship are not a competition • It is important for each person to feel supported, appreciated, protected, and cared for in the relationship. • Emotional, physical, financial, etc. • What things are being taken care of that you don’t pay attention to and possibly even take for granted? • Each one of you has your own strengths and weaknesses. • Use these to your relationship’s advantage. Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  15. Nurture Your Friendship “The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship.For men, the determining factor in whether they feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship.So men and women come from the same planet after all” - John Gottman Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  16. Nurture Your Friendship • A strong friendship is crucial to your success • Really know each other’s hopes, dreams, longings, fears, beliefs… whole world. • The key to a happy marriage is finding someone with whom you mesh. • Accommodate each other’s quirks and handle them with care, affection, and respect. Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  17. Nurture Your Friendship • Spend time together • Date nights, favorite date, couch time, bedtime, take walks, take a bath... • Get creative! • It’s not the common interests, but how you interact while pursuing those interests that matters. • Don’t always be screen-suckers • QUALITY time Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  18. Nurture Your Friendship • Go do it – together – without kids • You have an identity separate from being a parent or being the parent of a special needs child. What is it? • You probably didn’t meet because you had the child, so what was there before? • Don’t allow one area of your life to define you. Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  19. How? • The Magic 5 hours • Couples who find their relationship more satisfying spend only an additional 5 hours per week together • Clear patterns emerge: friendship, communication, quality time, affection, appreciation • How close can you get? • When something is important, you can find a way to make it work? • Run your “small business” • What can you add, subtract, and prioritize? Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  20. It takes a village • You have to HAVE a support system! • Friends, family, support groups, religious affiliations, community supports (respite care, PCA, in-home services, counseling) • You have to USE your support system! • Believe it or not, there are resources out there for you and these are increasing as we speak. • If this is a struggle for you, please call or email me and I will help you get started. Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  21. Physical Touch • Sex, Intimacy, Romance… till death do us part • Hold hands, cuddle, sit close, etc. • Couples therapy and Sex therapy • You can rarely have one without the other • Relationship and sexual problems are very common • My advice to you if this is an area of interest: • Read “Passionate Marriage” and talk to a counselor if you have further needs in this area • Addresses common relationship problems and specific sexual and intimacy problems (dysfunction, lack of desire/energy, boring sex, affairs, etc.) Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  22. Resources • “The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Gary Chapman • “Living with Autism: The Parents’ Stories” by Kathleen M. Dillon • “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships” by David Schnarch • “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman • www.project-aspire.com Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  23. “Your life as you would like it is a work in progress; a project for you to explore, create, and refine. Whether you have already started working on this project or are now ready to begin, never lose sight of the importance of your journey.” - Vanessa Slivken Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  24. Questions? Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

  25. Thank you! Vanessa Slivken, M.A. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist www.project-aspire.com vanessa.slivken@project-aspire.com 612.940.3598 Reclaiming Your Love - www.project-aspire.com

More Related