Reconciliation in Relationships

1. Reconciliation in Relationships THE LIFE: Practical Insights for Christian Living MITACF Large Group March 1, 2002

2. The Problem • The fact of the matter is that, the closer we get and the more time we spend with each other, the greater the possibility that we’ll hurt each other • When it comes down to it, we’re sinful people and we sin against each other

3. Our Reactions • What are some of our normal responses? • Get angry with the person who has hurt you and take it out on them (overtly or passive-aggressively) • Withdraw and expect the other person to know their wrong and come to you • Gossip about the person who has hurt you • Overcompensate and try to “work off the debt”

4. What is the common thread? • We’re looking for the safest path, where we know the results -- these things punish the other person for what they have done and “make us feel better”. • In these responses, are trying to re-exert our own control -- have power over the other person and over the situation.

5. What is the common thread? • We’re taking the situation out of God’s hands and taking it into into our own. • Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-30) -- we “bury our problems” to keep control of the situation and the results … and, in doing so, keep it out of God’s hands.

6. Who are we? • So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. - 2 Corinthians

7. God’s Way of Dealing with Broken Relationships • We are “ministers of reconciliation” (2 Cor. 4) • not who we hope to be or strive to be -- it’s who we are as “new creations” in Christ. • It is our identity and is something but ALL of us are as Christians, not only some of us. • We preach God’s message of our redemption and reconciliation through Jesus’ work on the cross. • But we also preach it through our lives, through our ministry of reconciliation with one another (Col. 2:12-14 - “Forgive as the Lord forgave you ..”)

8. Practical Insights for Christian Living • Christian = Minister of Reconciliation • So how does a Christian respond when someone has been hurt in one of their relationships?

9. We reconcile our relationships as soon as possible • Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. - Ephesians 4:25-27

10. We see reconciliation with others as something of utmost importance • “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24

11. Each of us takes the initiative in reconciliation … no matter who ‘started it’ • “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” - Matthew 18

12. We try our hardest to have reconciled relationships • “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” - Romans 12:18

13. Ok … so what exactly is reconciliation anyway? • We often think reconciliation and forgiveness are one and the same. • Not exactly a complete picture. Forgiveness leads to reconciliation. • God’s reconciliation with us -- he has forgiven us of our sin and draws us fully into his love. • See Parable of the Prodigal Son for a picture (Luke 15) • But forgiveness is at the core of reconciliation -- you cannot call yourself reconciled without first forgiving and being forgiven.

14. Uh … that’s nice, Peter. But what does it mean to forgive? • Forgiveness is a a spiritual act -- a decisionto release the other person from your judgment or punishment. • For us, it means that we choose to trust in God, rather than taking it into our own hands. • Trust in His judgment • Ask him to forgive you of your own unforgiveness, which is our taking control. Unforgiveness hurts us. • It is a decision that Jesus calls us to always make when others sin against us and flows from seeing more and more how much greater God’s forgiveness of us is (Matthew 6:15-15)

15. What Forgiveness is Not • It is not saying that you’re not hurt anymore or that you agree with what happened to you -- we need to ask God for healing for that in those places where the we have been hurt. • But we are trusting in God to heal us and releasing the other person and ourselves from our judgment.

16. What does it mean to be reconciled then? • Reconciliation = to fully restore the relationship to where it was before the offense • “… the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them.” • Ex. The Prodigal Son • A restored relationship: what we think of the result of reconciliation is in some ways the act of reconciliation

17. Let’s Get Practical: Take The Initiative Now - “Can we talk?” (Matthew 5, Eph. 4) • If someone has sinned against another, it is your role (whoever realizes it first) to take initiative in reconciliation. • Our model: God took initiative with us • Most often, it will most often be the person who was hurt who needs to start the process. • In some respects, we are “bid[ to] come and die and find that I may truly live.”

18. Let’s Get Practical:Articulate Your Hurt to Them (Matthew 18) • You need to talk it through and explain what the sin is and how it occurred. • Our model: God has revealed to us and explained to us our offense, our sin.

19. Let’s Get Practical:Understand and Own Up to How You Have Hurt the Other Person • Listen carefully to the person who has been hurt and explain it back. • Make sure you understand correctly -- ask “How have I hurt you?” • “Is this what hurt you?” • “How did it feel?”

20. Let’s Get Practical:Ask for Forgiveness and Forgive • “Will you forgive me for [these things]?” • Accept the forgiveness and repent of yoru sin. • Repentance = metanoia = “change of mind”: means turning away from sin. • Decide to forgive the offender. • Remember: Forgiveness is an act, not an emotion. You will not always ‘feel’ it, but you can and are told to always choose to forgive (“77 times”).

21. Let’s Get Practical: Caveats • In forgiving, you have made a spiritual transaction and released them from your judgment, but you won’t always “feel better”. • At this point, you need to ask for God's grace, for Him to touch you and heal you (to free you) where you've been hurt you • You still have the wound. You cannot ask the person who hurt you to fix it. Only God can.

22. Let’s Get Practical:Caveats • The other person will not always respond to attempts at reconciliation • “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you …” • “Have I taken initiative? Have I given my best? Have I gone as far as I can?” • Matthew 18: • If they do not respond, bring in another party or mediator from within your community. • At some point, there is nothing you can do.

23. Reconciliation • In the end, reconciliation is not about resolving an issue but fully restoring a relationship … as God has done for us.