Sexual Communication

1. Sexual Communication

2. Absolutely Essential • Good communication is a valuable asset in developing a lasting, satisfying, sexual relationship • Perhaps the most important element is mutual empathy

3. A Tough Task • Sexual communication is difficult for a number of reasons • First of all, we lack role models • No one has ever taught us how to talk about sex • Too often triggers feelings of shame

4. More Barriers • Meager vocabulary • Embarrassment • Anxiety • Ethnic differences • Gender differences men communicate to pass along information, gain status or power women to gain intimacy

5. Getting Started • Icebreakers • Talking about talking • Sharing experiences • Reading, then discussing

6. Active Listening • Eye contact • Provide feedback • Support communication efforts • Unconditional positive regard • Paraphrasing

7. Discovering Your Partners Needs • Asking questions – the right way • Yes or No questions – the least informative • Either or questions: less structure, more informative • Open ended questions: the least structured and the most informative

8. Self Disclosure • Disclosure prompts reciprocal disclosure • Start slowly and build • Increases sexual satisfaction • Be prepared to back off

9. Normative Male Alexithymia • A lot of guys just cannot talk about their emotions • Worse yet, they aren’t even aware of them • So common – labeled normative • Conditioned to suppress emotions • “Boys don’t cry.” • Both parents contribute to this • Only the emotion of anger is cultivated

10. Consequences • Men live detached from their emotions and the emotions of their significant others • Great trouble with intimacy • Caring emotions are all channeled into sexual sharing

11. Treatment • Must be taught to awaken empathy and to connect emotional experiences to thoughts about it • Start with expanding his working vocabulary for emotions • Next, he should learn how to identify the emotions of others • Ultimately, turn to an emotional log to identify his own emotions • Big payoffs in entire life, including sexuality

12. Discussing Sexual Preferences • Before sex – helps avoid frustrating trial and error ordeals • But does this rob the experience of spontaneity? • After sex – can reinforce pleasurable activities and increase sexual intimacy

13. Giving Permission • Provide encouragement and reassurance to your partner • Let them know that you want to please them • Before sex it will support efforts to talk • Afterwards it will reassure and reinforce

14. Making Requests • You must take responsibility for your own pleasure • Our partners don’t always know what we want • Expecting them to read our minds can lead to problems • If we want something we should be prepared to ask for it

15. But How? • Make specific requests • To facilitate an appropriate response – be clear and concise, avoid vagueness • Use “I” language • It’s not selfish – it’s realistic & direct • For the relationship to thrive, both partners need to be satisfied.

16. Complaining Constructively • Not criticizing destructively • GOAL – a change beneficial to both partners • What’s your motivation? • A sincere desire to make the relationship better? Or • To hurt, blame, or get even?

17. Timing • Everyone is different • Avoid complaining when angry • Take the time, and if necessary, • Ask for the time • Pick the place

18. How to Complain & Make Them Like It • Balance with praise • Helps prevent anger, anxiety and resentment • Instead, it encourages change • End with a request for feedback

19. Patience, Patience • Don’t expect big changes all at once • Acknowledge small progress with positive reinforcement • Be supportive, even if backsliding occurs • Don’t ask “Why do you ….” • Usually hide messages of anger

20. Be Careful with Negative Emotions • Praise your partner, trash the behavior • Do not focus on character • Use those clear, direct “I” statements • Convey vulnerability not blame • One complaint per session, please • Avoid the impression that you are piling on • Besides, too many dilutes them all

21. Receiving Complaints • They will come • Your response is crucial • Empathize – don’t respond with your own • Paraphrase – shows good faith • You do not have to agree • Find common ground • Express your feelings, but focus on the future

22. Communication Patterns • From Gottman’s huge data base • Constructive tactics • Leveling – stating thoughts clearly, simply and honestly with “I” language • Editing – omit harmful comments, limit response to relevant matters

23. More Constructive Communication Patterns • Validating – expressing appreciation for your partner’s point of view • Volatile Dialogue – some degree of conflict is inevitable and even essential. Couples in long term relationships (over three years) were more satisfied if they occasionally had to work through conflicts. They are facing and resolving issues.

24. Destructive Tactics • What doesn’t work. • Criticism - expressing contempt with “You ….” statements Viewed as personal attacks • Defensiveness – efforts to protect yourself rather than face a problem

25. More Destructive Tactics • Stonewalling – refusing to respond • Belligerence – the “in your face” style Provoking discord by expressing contempt for partner’s desire for change • These tactics accelerate problems • Relationships characterized by them don’t last.

26. impasses • Sometimes nothing works • Try harder to see it harder from your partner’s perspective. • Postpone the discussion to another time. • Just “agree to disagree”? • If the unresolved problem begins to erode the relationship, professional counseling may be necessary.