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Eight Sessions: Meeting Core Emotional Needs for Connection & Acceptance

Join us for eight sessions on Saturdays and Sundays to learn how to meet the core emotional needs of children, including connection, acceptance, healthy autonomy, and more. Discover how to prevent maladaptive schemas and empower children through Good Enough Parenting. This program is based on Schema Therapy and is a must for parents and professionals alike.

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Eight Sessions: Meeting Core Emotional Needs for Connection & Acceptance

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  1. Eight Sessions SATURDAY & SUNDAY Introduction GEP 1 The Core Need for Connection & Acceptance GEP 2 The Core Need for Connection & Acceptance GEP 3 The Core Need for Healthy Autonomy & Performance GEP 4

  2. MONDAY The Core Need for Healthy Autonomy & Performance GEP 5 TUESDAY & WEDNESDAY The Core Need for Reasonable Limits GEP 6 THURSDAY & FRIDAY The Core Need for Realistic Expectations GEP 7 The Plus One Need for Spiritual Values and Community GEP 8

  3. “In a world of too much information, Good Enough Parenting uses movies to teach parents how to meet core needs, and, at the same time, how to avoid passing down their own dysfunctional behaviors. Schema Therapy has been successful with adults, but I have always wanted to see someone do something on preventing schemas, or Lifetraps, in children, and here it is!” ~ Dr Jeffrey Young Dept of Psychiatry, Columbia University, USA Founder, Schema Therapy

  4. SESSION THREE: MEETING THE CORE EMOTIONAL NEED FOR CONNECTION & ACCEPTANCE

  5. DISCONNECTION & REJECTION 1. Social Isolation / Alienation 2. Emotional Deprivation 3. Defectiveness / Shame 4. Emotional Inhibition 5. Failure 6. Mistrust / Abuse

  6. Maladaptive Schemas (Lifetraps) contrasted with Adaptive or Positive TraitsSocial Isolation / Alienation vsBelonging & AffinityEmotional DeprivationvsEmotional Fulfillment & IntimacyDefectiveness / ShamevsSelf-Acceptance & Openness

  7. Maladaptive Schemas (Lifetraps) contrasted with Adaptive or Positive TraitsEmotional Inhibition vsEmotional Spontaneity & ExpressivenessFailure vsMastery & SuccessMistrust / AbusevsTrust

  8. Connection & Acceptance in Genesis

  9. Connection and Acceptance Read Genesis 25:19-34 • What were the strengths and weakness of both Esau and Jacob? • In Genesis 25:28, how much do you think that favoritism from the parents by Isaac and Rebekah on Esau and Jacob respectively affect the relationship between the two sons?

  10. How did Esau feel being so different looking (“red”)? Did he feel accepted by Rebekah, or perhaps flawed inside? Did he feel like he “fit in”? • How did Jacob feel not being able to match up with his brother’s hunting skills and adventurous spirit? Did he feel accepted by Isaac, or perhaps flawed inside?

  11. How much was the subject of the blessing to the oldest son, or birthright, discussed and talked about among and between them as they grew up? • On the whole, was the advantage of the firstborn greatly exaggerated, according to Deuteronomy 5:16 and 21:17? • Considering Jacob’s relationship with Isaac, which of Jacob’s core needs were probably not met by his dad?

  12. How may have this affected Jacob as a teenager growing up and later on as an adult? • Considering Esau’s relationship with Rebekah, which of Esau’s core needs were probably not met? • How may have this affected Esau as a teenager growing up and later on as an adult?

  13. Meeting the Core Need for Connection & Acceptance Children who feel connected and accepted become better at handling their own feelings of sadness, anger, fear, etc.

  14. Movie Moment The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio Here is a really great example (true story) of a woman who met the core need for connection, acceptance, and many others with her ten children in spite of difficult circumstances. We begin with a timely diaper change…

  15. Dreikurs on Discouragement “A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.” (p. 36, Dreikurs, R. (1964). Children: The challenge. New York: Plume)

  16. Some of the most Influential Parent Educators over the past fifty years: a. Rudolf Dreikurs (1960s) b. Fritz Redl (1960s) c. HaimGinnott (1970s) d. Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (1970-80s) e. Gerald Patterson (1980s-present day) f. David Elkind (1980s-present day) g. John Gottman (1990s-present day)

  17. Connection > Behavior All these highly intuitive writers and educators have a common important theme – being attuned to the emotions of the children.

  18. Emotional Connection The challenge for many of us is connection with our children at an emotional level and learning how to be empathetic when there is a need (but not overly so).

  19. Definition of Empathy Empathy is the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes", or to in some way experience the outlook or emotions of another.

  20. Matthew 7:12 12So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

  21. What is the real test of your values and beliefs? • What you do to others? • What you ought to do to others? • What you think others should do to you?

  22. Jesus taught us to treat others the way we WISH they would treat us…This not only involves empathy but also compassion. Empathy is about knowing how the other person feels. Once we know how they feel, the compassion becomes easier.

  23. King of Research Dr. John Gottman, professor at the University of Washington, followed 119 families. He observed how parents and children react to one another in emotionally charged situations, from age four to adolescence. After two in-depth studies, he found this:

  24. Children who were connected with their parents and felt accepted: • Had better health • Scored higher academically (math and reading) • Had better friends • Had fewer behavior problems • Were less prone to violence

  25. 1 Peter 3:8 8Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.

  26. Colossians 3:12-17 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.

  27. Colossians 3:12-17And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. 18Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. There is even a verse about how to treat a servant…

  28. Colossians 3:21 21Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. (NIV) 21Parents, don't come down too hard on your children or you'll crush their spirits. (The Message)

  29. Part of meeting the core need of Connection & Acceptance Involves valuing your children’s emotions, even the ones you may look at as “negative”, such as

  30. Exercise on Processing Difficult Emotions Think of some of the common types of emotions – joy, excitement, happiness, contentment, longing, anger, loneliness, embarrassment, fear, shame, sadness; feelings of betrayal, helplessness, depression; feeling unwanted, or rejected – which ones are you most uncomfortable dealing with when you see them in your children?

  31. What is it about these feelings that makes you uncomfortable? Which of the three broad coping styles (surrendered, avoidant and counterattacking/overcompensating) do you rely on when you see these emotions mentioned above? How do you go about specifically coping with these feelings when you see them in your children?

  32. Do you behave in a similar way each time your child experiences these feelings? • Can you remember specific incidents involving these feelings from your childhood? (Maybe you experienced these emotions or someone around you did.) • Did your parents welcome these feelings? • In general, how did your parents deal with youremotions? • When your parents dealt with you this way, how did that make you feel?

  33. Is there anything you wish that they said or did instead? • What did you want from them? • So in the end, how did you cope with these feelings when you were a child? What do you remember doing specifically? • Why do you think this is so difficult for you? • Is this similar or different to how you would deal with your child when he experiences the same feelings?

  34. What do you say to your child when these feelings come out in them? • What do you think they wish you would do or say instead? • If you did that, how would it make you feel now? • Do you see that not talking about feelings with your child can be harmful or do you think it is helpful?

  35. Our favourite three prominent parenting experts in the area of giving valuable guidelines on how to process feelings with children in a healthy way are Ginott, Gottman, and the team of Faber & Mazlish. The principles they advocate apply to both older and younger children. In summary they are:

  36. i) Be aware that the child is experiencing emotions, and have an initial idea of which emotion(s) they might be feeling. This involves interpreting the verbal expressions, tone, and non-verbal expressions of the child. ii) See the child’s feelings as an opportunity to connect with them at an emotional level. This will strengthen the bond between the parent and child. Parents should not rush into giving solutions. Both the tone of voice and body language is crucial in communicating this message to them.

  37. iii) Draw the child out verbally to be able to express these emotions or feelings, and to label these feelings or emotions correctly. This process will train the child (and in the beginning, the parent) to process his feelings, and thereafter cope in a healthy way. iv) Validate the emotion(s), then show empathy and compassion to the child. Again parents should not rush into giving solutions. v) At a suitable time, collaborate with the child and help resolve the issue that triggered the child.

  38. Exercise • If someone happened to be observing YOUR CHILD at that moment, what would they see? • How do you cope with these feelings? • Where did you learn this outlook/behavior? (Maybe from your parents?)

  39. Comes from their “child side”, not from their coping styles Also includes dealing with emotions more often seen as being “positive”, such as peace, happiness and fulfillment.

  40. When your children are experiencing any of these emotions… Understand that these so-called “negative” emotions are an opportunity to teach/coach/ and connect with your children.

  41. What does it look like? • Not poking fun of feelings that make you feel uncomfortable • Empathizing with soothing words and affection • Offering guidance – children have a right to their feelings but behavior has limits (timing is important) • THIS IS GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING!

  42. Movie Moment TaareZameen Par What does empathy look like?

  43. Proverbs 17:22 22 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 18:14 14 A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?

  44. Proverbs 29:11 11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. Proverbs 30:33 33 For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife."

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