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God Denies Involvement in Creation of Gerbils; Claims No Knowledge of Rodent Origins

In a surprising revelation this Wednesday, God stated that He had no role in the creation of gerbils, a popular pet species. “I just wanted everyone to know that I have absolutely no idea where gerbils came from; they just showed up a few million years ago and started reproducing,” God explained to reporters. The Divine Creator clarified that while He is responsible for many forms of life, gerbils are not among them. God humorously noted that the creator of gerbils must have drawn inspiration from hamsters, as they are similar.

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God Denies Involvement in Creation of Gerbils; Claims No Knowledge of Rodent Origins

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  1. Journal 37 News in Briefs

  2. News in Brief #1 • http://www.theonion.com/articles/local-teen-walks-in-on-family-masturbating,34480/

  3. News in Brief #2 • http://www.theonion.com/articles/parents-finally-cave-and-buy-33yearold-son-playsta,34640/

  4. News in Brief #3 • http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-taking-photo-with-ipad-oblivious-to-how-badass,33482/

  5. News in Brief #4 • http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-was-himself-for-27-minutes-today,34632/

  6. News in Brief #5 • http://www.theonion.com/articles/stunned-st-peters-square-crowd-overhears-pope-fran,34728/

  7. News in Brief #6 • http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-admits-he-never-created-gerbils,34782/

  8. 2 NEWS IN BRIEF (1/2 page-250 words) • Headlines • Where? City at the beginning of the article (more details about other locations later in the article) TOPIC SENTENCE: In one sentence provide the main idea of your article: who, what where, when, and why. Go in greater details about: • When? Date/time/day • Who? People that testify or give their account through a quote. Quote is followed by the name and a description of the person. • What? What’s happened? • How did it happen or why did it happen? • TONE: FORMAL and FACTUAL and OBJECTIVE

  9. WRITE 2 NEWS BRIEFS: • Headlines • When? Date/time/day • Where? City at the beginning of the article • (more details about other locations in the article) • Who? People that testify or give their account through a quote. Quote is followed by the name and a description of the person. • What? What’s happened? • How did it happen or why did it happen? • TONE: FORMAL and FACTUAL and OBJECTIVE • THE HEAVENS—Lord God, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness told reporters this Wednesday that despite creating all other forms of life in the universe, He in fact had nothing to do with creating gerbils. “I just wanted everyone to know that I have absolutely no idea where gerbils came from; they just showed up a few million years ago and started reproducing,” admitted God, the Divine Creator of Life, Heaven, Earth, and the rest of the order of Rodentia, but not gerbils. “I have no problems with gerbils personally, I just wanted to make it clear that they weren’t sculpted by my divine hand. Clearly some other force brought them into existence, but I honestly couldn’t tell you what, why, or how.” God added that whoever or whatever created the gerbil must have been a fan of his work, since it is a “complete rip-off” of the hamster.

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