Objectives:

1. Study of the psychological effects of missing parents working abroad upon their children in the period2005 - 2009

2. Objectives: • to identify the number of children who have at least one parent at work abroad • to distribute these children on levels of study • to distribute these students on social backgrounds • to identify the persons who take care of the children while the parents are gone to work • the effects of the parents’ absence on the children’s personality development • measures which can be useful for psychological support of the children with parents abroad

3. The evolution of the number of children whose parents work abroad2005 – 2009

4. The evolution of the number of children with parents abroad(the period 2005-2009)

5. The coming back myth The decrease of the number of children whose parents are working abroad in comparison with the school year 2007-2008 is being explained by: * the return of the parents of only 1281 students * there is a number of 852 who come and go but they haven’t established with their children yet

6. The distribution of the children on levels of study :2005-2009 • Secondary school – about 34 % • High-school and vocational school – about 27% • Primary school– about 26,5% • Nursery school– about 12,5%

7. The distribution of children with parents abroad on social backgrounds(2005 – 2009)

8. The parent at work abroad Tabel nr.3 : 2005 – 2006

9. The parent at work abroad Tabel nr.4: 2006 – 2007

10. The parent at work abroad Tabel nr.5: 2007 – 2008

11. The parent at work abroad Tabel nr.6: 2008 – 2009

12. WE OBSERVE THAT MOTHERS HAVE THE GREATEST PERCENTAGE, WHICH HAS NEGATIVE EFFECTS UPON THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHILD’S PERSONALITY

13. 1. School regress(especially in secondary and high school) 2. Subject failures(especially in secondary school and high- school; the greatest percentage of failure being in high school and vocational school) 3. Sleep disturbance 4. Aggresivity 5. Isolation 6. Timidity 7. Parents’ expectations 8. Passivity 9. Verbal hostility 10. The lie 11. Hostility 12. Emotional disturbance 13. Carelessness in doing their work 14. Anxiety 15. Impulsivity 16. Frustration 17. Computer dependence 18. Frequenting street groups 19. Absenteism 20. Bragging 21. Incapacity of concentration 22. Passivity 23. To these we add depressions, nervousness, lack of discipline, leaving home, accusing parents, resentment towards them etc. The psychological effects of the parents leaving to work abroad on the children

14. The list of qualities ( the hierarchy) • Timidity1559 • Lies1398 • Work carelessness 1394 • Excessive net usage -1360 • Parents’ expectances 1306 • Social isolation 993 • School regress 836 • Aggressivity ( schoolmates fights) 819 • Subject failure 775 • Passivity 671 • Emotional disturbance 616 • The wish to go away 618 • Bragging (they brag about the things they get from their parents)-605 • Anxiety 559 • Frequenting street groups 525 • Lack of concentration 514 • School absence 474 • Frustration 405

15. Types of activities organized with the children : * Day care centers – where children use their free time being assisted by teachers in doing their homework and solving different school problems. Here, students can even have lunch and can take part in leisure activities. • Putting up personalized intervention programes for children who ask for psychological assistance in schools. • According psychological support through individual and group counselling both for the children and for the tutors. • School work help which consists in extra classes for the children who don’t have support from the appointed tutors. • Free time activities ( trips, artistic activities, debates, work-shops, competitions etc.). • Periodical meetings with the parents with the school’s psychologist at “The parents’ club”. • Form class lessons on the subject of increasing tolerance and cohesion among the students (both with parents home and abroad).

16. The tutors

17. in the school year 2005-2006 only 16 children had legal tutoring papers, but in the school year 2007-2008 the number raised to 857 • We mention that none of the children was left on the care of another person based on a legal decision according to the Law no.272/2004.

18. Ways of entrusting children with parents working abroad to tutors:

19. The teacher’s role Help the students to know themselves better and have a correct image about themselves! Communicate efficiently with the students! Teach him how to communicate correctly! Listen to him so that he listens to you! Teach abilities of active listening! Be empatic! Teach the children empatic abilities! Be assertive! Teach the student assertive abilities! Solve the conflicts on time! Teach the child to solve his conflicts with the others! Help the children to stay away from the great temptations like smoking, alcohol, drugs, sex etc. Help them to take the right decisions! Help them to plan their time better! Work in a team! Teach the children that team work is very important! Ajutaţi-l la lectii! Help them with their schoolwork!

20. Children with a correct self image • They feel important • They feel unique • They feel successful • They have definite goals They feel useful • They have the sense of power • They trust themselves • They feel respected • They feel unique • They feel successful • They can take correct decisions • They assume well defined aims • They feel capable to influence the others • They have a positive physical image

21. A good listener • He listens attentively, he is present in the communication process with all senses and he analyses the contents; • He listens without interruptions; • He is open-minded, he has the possibility to communicate, to establish relationships; • He shows interest towards his interlocutor’s information; • The facial expression shows implication during communication; • He doesn’t show boredom ( if the process of communication is longer than expected) • He doesn’t interrupt the interlocutor ( the emitor) • He is interested in both the subject of communication and his interlocutor • He keeps direct visual contact but he doesn’t embarrass with his look • He doesn’t communicate in an atmosphere with noisy factors ( he risks to misunderstand the message) • He gets sure that he understands the message well, and retells it in his own words (rephrasing); • He doesn’t have any prejudices about the discussed information;

22. Assertive communication means • - direct communication, • - he thinks about himself that he can adapt to any situation, for which he is being trained • - expressing emotions • - positive discussion of opinions • - to ask and refuse according to his own conscience • - to pay compliments • - to say YES or NO when necessary • - the respect of rights

23. Teach them to solve conflicts • Abandon (physical or emotional retreat from a conflict, being afraid of confrontation and without having the possibility of expressing an opinion on the given situation) • Reprimand-cover up (the refusal to take act of the conflict). We use this behaviour when we need peace at any price. • Victory-defeat (it represents the use of power, domination, the system in order to take a decision) is often the result of an unconscious tendency to protect yourself against failure and it manifests by a force confrontantion in which one of the parts is the winner. • The compromise ( is being done by direct negociation, each part trying to win something;it is appplied when both parts want to keep the relationship and give the impression of being fair) • Victory-victory ( win-win; it is the kind of approach by which each person implied in the conflict has something to win by giving up something less important, the relationships being better on mutual understanding) • These ways of approaching conflicts are being used according to the degree in which the person involved is attached to.

24. Empathy Empathy is one of the necessary and sufficient conditions which facilitate communication.Empathy supposes the unconditioned acceptance of the ideas,feeelings, and beliefs of the other,even if they are different from your own,from the subjective way of considering the information. Empathy supposes to be in the other one’s shoes without losing the contact with your own person. Empathy means the “resonance” with the other.

25. Communicating with the difficult child • make sure you have enough time to communicate with him; • choose a quiet place where you shouldn’t be interrupted; • while discussing don’t interrupt him with your own problems or anxieties; • don’t tell him stories about persons who had similar problems with his; • don’t stop him with phrases: “ Come on, it’s not the end of the world.” • Don’t blame the child • If there is the case of communication problems at the family level,it’s better these should go to family therapy.

26. The preparation of the child for the parents’ coming back 1. • “The decision of going abroad is very difficult to take. • think we assume a very big risk, first of all. • I sincerely couldn’t do it.” • A parent from Voinesti village • ” I think that first of all I’d feel joy: finally we’re going to have money, I’ll have beautiful clothes, toys, everything I wish. • ”Then,as the departure day draws closer, they start to see that all the things they used to together, they’ll do on their own, that the family time is gone. Little by little I feel the absence,even before the departure and I’m more and more convinced I don’t want them to leave.” • A child from Voinesti village

27. Pay attention parents! Be responsible! 2 • Children need: • love; • attention; • parent communication • presence • a good relationship with the parents • masculine and feminine models in the family they could follow and trust in their power of choice and decision • value and respect them • the need to be approved • the need to get explanations • the need to be respected

28. 3 • The moment of separation from the parents is difficult to stand for the children. Many think that if the child is young he doesn’t understand too much of what the parents are doing. That’s why they don’t inform him on decisions that influence their destiny. Most of the times the children find out in the last moment about their parents departure abroad. In this situation the child feels trapped, minimized, with no value or importance. • That’s why the moment of departure has to be carefully prepared. The same should be when the parents come back. The children are the last ones to know. • In the same way as when the parents leave,t he children go through a profound process of adaptation, on their return everything repeats itself the other way round. The children have to get used once again with the presence of the parents.

29. 4 • Discuss the problem in the family council! The parent who’s home or the tutor have to speak about the return of the parent who’s abroad. • Give back to the child the trust into the parent’s responsibility. • Give him time to get used to this idea! After the parent’s departure the child has changed. The parents have changed,too. • Some children have got all types of disturbances(timidity,lies, social isolation, aggressivity, passivity, emotional lability, anxiety, incapacity of concentration, frustration, verbal hostility, incapacity of following a timetable, the fear of telling the truth, depression, being negative, resentments towards the parents). It is advisable to give the child time to reach again his own inner balance;after the disturbing and painful experience of being left alone by working abroad parents.

30. 5 • When the child got attached on the present parent or tutor, he can perceive the parent away as an intruder who comes back to destroy the harmony which has installed. The old resentments, sorrows, fears or guilt make him ask if he can trust that parent again.He doesn’t know if he can still believe in the security this one has to offer. Give the children trust into the parental protection and care. • Some of the children got used to roles the parents have. It is difficult for them to accept the intervention of the parent. They can feel frustrated by the loss of the place they had in the family. The competition with the returning parent can be surpassed if the child communicates well.

31. The tutors have to 6 • be patient, to avoid irony and criticism • to identify and explain the feelings to the child • to offer solutions • to observe any positive attitude • to encourage self-assertion • to show affection all the time • to promote a climate of tolerance and acceptance towards the child • The returned parents are anxious to seduce their child with any price, suffocating him with love and gifts. These affectionate displays can make the child insecure because in the meantime he has developed loyalty towards the present parent or tutor. The child can be foretold about these emotional developments which appear at the returning parents. Make the child ready to understand the parent’s need of love. • Prepare the children to communicate efficiently, calmly, assertively and quietly. • Talk to the children about the advantages of their parents return to them • Some grandparents will spoil the child, while the parents being younger will be more stern. • While they are away the parents can more forgiving with the chid’s mistakes. When back home they’d better give it up.

32. The communication with the young child-shaping up the communication abilities of the parents Between parents and children there can be a variety of relationships such as: • - the privative style-based on the lack of rights of the child on any action rejected by the parents;-the punishing style-based on the physical abuse, punishment, physical aggression and verbal hostility- the humiliating style- in which they use methods of throwing guilt and humiliating the child, on making him culpable in order to dominate him,or to justify the wrong behaviour of the parent-the rejecting style- that of pushing away and rejecting, of not being involved in the major decisions of the family- the overprotecting style- the adult limits the child’s decision process, because he’s afraid not be wrong and he suffocates the child with love • the overinvolved style- that of forced use of the children in adult’s work,even if this is too difficult for them-the assertive style- which gives the child the possibility to protect his rights and to show his freedom, to express his opinions and wishes, to have initiative and decision power in side the family • - the passive careless style-that of lack of involvement into the child’s problems

33. The attachment between parents and children create the feeling of safety for the youngsters. Their presence maintains this feeling. The children feel safe only in the presence of their parents. The grandparents, their brothers, their relatives have their part in their lives but can’t completely replace the parents. This fact offers two of the explanations of some possible disturbances which appear at the children from families with parents gone for work abroad. • According to the parental style practiced, the communication child-parent can be aggressive, passive or assertive.

34. THANKS • The materials have been done with the help of the parents who participated at “The Parents Clubs” in schools and high-schools. • There were debates and workshops on this subject with the parents who had been abroad, but also with the parents who don’t intend to leave.