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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no reply. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my online relationship, however, I realized that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are 3 significant levers in our lives which, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I started to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I took to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so that you can't just get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be more

2. inclined to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these strategies as we navigate the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The complete most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women who are searching for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. Basically, so as to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photograph before a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to have interesting pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every guy who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a woman to swipe right on their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation. Men, this is completely your own fault. I've seen guys spend hours talking about the statistics of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will influence the team's chances.

3. However, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. For instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it's great to go on a lot of dates and get practice dating (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the perfect people. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about whether we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They don't get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is your profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not sure how I could test numerous pictures considering that I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on every profile, but I put up a different profile image on each. I rotated the

4. images across profiles until I could find a big enough sample size and make certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film I did not read into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100 percent of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mineso I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that can look to be a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can really ask your matches what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, a part of this error might be my fault, since I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to understand that there's a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up shirt, for example,

5. isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not want to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with subsequent convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that guy. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party did not match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signs is good, but choosing false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you don't want to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There's absolutely no right answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to getting a great dating profile description is using a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that provides some colour to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you don't want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with.

6. Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial piece of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to provide a quick snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. By way of example, if I went into a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and be certain it is quintessentially you. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of colour and possibly some talking points that you two can discuss in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I enjoy as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too.

7. Rather than attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you basically want the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making first contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a man who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. Butobviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other online dating apps too. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation.

8. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For one thing, it's a very unnatural way of communicating, because it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that if you take countless people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it is a good idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to determine if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to purchase them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! How's it going?" B) "Hey! (or some other variation of the sort of question). How did you like X book?" (according to a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to think about it for a second. (I will add some distance before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response

9. Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a movie or a location in their own pictures. The reason why I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? I'm currently reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it is time to have a dialogue. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for men: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation just like you would with a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a

10. positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then be certain that you ask the man about things he's interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a good deal more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Attempt to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online portion of relationship, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. Where you have your date decides about 50--70% of the results of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it is actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was completely new to relationship so I was only following what I had seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I wasn't certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I determined that I need to experiment with several other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing. It was not I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter

11. interrupts asking about beverages. You continue to talking. The Click here! waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another minute." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. Therefore, if we're getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp jolt of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had fallen 15 ft to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope finally stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn when I began carrying my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your landscape is shifting so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make certain it is not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first.

12. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how do we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This man took women out to the same places like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template that simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these activities had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the beach, we could go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl didn't like science and facts it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on each date as you attempt to make your own dating arrangement:

13. Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for great conversation. Be sure that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you will both like that is not too tricky. Avoid intimidating actions like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it is time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the relationship. For instance, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps among the most important pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the man is the one driving the relationship sequence (which is not always the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. The important thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages youback and forth, forth and back. To be able to make sure that I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing that I discovered is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date.

14. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you do not like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you aren't ready to date at this time. I had a girl tell me and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself also ). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you discover someone who you want to be with really badly, don't scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific proof for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked fairly well was the following:

15. Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of this post, these dating strategies helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure might have to be different than the one above. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's vital to have a system set up to assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides can help you enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important thing to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A means of doing that is by going on dates which are not only sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a good time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all of the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of many. Dating is a rollercoaster that will scare you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own

16. dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.