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Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photo until a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a bad first impression.
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THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to navigate the pains and pitfalls She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when girls go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my internet dating, however, I realized that this was actually a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are 3 major levers in our lives which, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating novice. I was scarred. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I took to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can not only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the
emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be much more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these approaches as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The complete most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we're searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women that are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, so as to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photo until a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are plenty of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to locate a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she is looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox.
Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe right in their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation. Men, this is completely your own fault. I've seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, men have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans until their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to attain. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months later that, while it is great to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I was dating the perfect folks. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of some more"meal programs " STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it is projected that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way...
I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I put up a different profile image on each. I rotated the images across profiles until I could get a big enough sample size and be sure that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a picture I didn't read into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. This is a super simple optimization that can seem to be a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can really ask your matches exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a game was not going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she Visit website believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, part of the error may be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way.
Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to realize that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up shirt, as an instance, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked really cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that man. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is good, but picking false signals not so much. You do not need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There is absolutely no right answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is using a clear structure.
I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social networking sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important piece of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content that will be successful?" Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you are producing the content for. For instance, if I went up to a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online relationship, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make sure that it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a small amount of colour and perhaps some talking points that you can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I love learning about new and businesses ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss.
My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I like and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am sure there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those folks in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In dating, you basically want the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of women who have matched with a guy who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a bar for instance, you have tens of thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship.
For one thing, it's a very unnatural way of communicating, because it's been shown that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that if you take millions of people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it's a good idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to determine if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a good opener from a poor one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. What is it going?" B) "Hey! How was your weekend?" (or any other variation of the sort of question). How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll let you think about it for a second. (I will add some space before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer And the answer is...
If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a picture or a place in their pictures. The reason why I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for guys: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation like you would with a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then make sure that you ask the man about things he's interested in also. It takes two to tango.
DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to put a good deal more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that seems weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online portion of relationship, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your house. Where you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was totally new to relationship so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them did not go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I determined that I need to experiment with some other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I had been choosing better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context.
Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You're not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You then run out of things to talk about. What should you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-house communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers started to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had dropped 15 feet to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn once I began taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your landscape is shifting so that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but make sure it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how can we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on.
I know what you are thinking,"This man took women out to the same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I would substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template that simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my brain. So here's my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you are a guy) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 different types of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night at the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl did not like facts and science it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an additional bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on every date as you try to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Make sure that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an
activity you'll both like that isn't too difficult. Avoid intimidating actions like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to take it to another level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the connection. By way of example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe one of the most important pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which isn't always the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages youback and forth, forth and back. In order to make sure I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances. One thing I noticed is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty.
Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you don't like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you aren't prepared to date right now. I had a girl tell me this and it was the simplest let down I've ever experienced and utilized it later myself too). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you chase them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the more they pursue you." If you find someone who you want to be with really badly, don't scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There's a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for
sufficient time for the relationship to grow and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it is imperative to have a system in place that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and hold on. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just create your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates which aren't just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a good time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all of the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of several. But remember, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more people can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.
