Ways to help your child gain independence

1. Ways to help your child gain independence Missy Hartmann, LCSW Jeffrey School October 7, 2013

2. Remind them only once ! • Give a single reminder then step back and let your childenrise to the occasion.

3. Let them learn from their own experiences • It’s our job to protect our children from harm. It is NOT our job to protect our children from all discomforts. • Uncomfortable learning experiences are often powerful ones. • Learning things through experiences will have greater impact.

4. Focus on equipping your kids with the skills they need • Trust that you have created a good foundation for your children. • When they struggle, help them gain a skill that they might be missing. For example, instead of running their gym shoes to school when forgotten, teach them to make a calendar by the front door listing a daily supply list.

5. Count the stakes • Right now the stakes are small…forgetting homework holds a small penalty. • But as they get older, stakes are higher. Zeros and failing grades can occur. • So remind yourselves, this is a good time to teach them to learn the errors. Not teaching them to be responsible now virtually ensures that they’ll pay a higher price later.

6. Leave it! • Just because you can fix something, doesn’t mean you should. • When your child forgets his homework, don’t rush to school. Leave it! • The consequences will be small but will leave a lasting impression.

7. Stop taking responsibility for your kids’ actions ! • Don’t make excuses and don’t take the responsibility.

8. Recognize the paradox • Letting your children make their own mistakes is Not bad parenting—it IS phenomenal parenting! • It’s all about preparing them for when they are older.

9. Tips for building resilience in children Missy Hartmann, LCSW Jeffrey School October 7, 2013

10. Make connections • Teach your child to make friends. Encourage your child to “be a friend in order to get a friend”. • Build a strong family network. Connection with people provides social support and strengthens resilience.

11. Help your child by having him help others • Children who may feel helpless can be empowered by helping others. • Engage your child in age-appropriate volunteer work, ask him/her to help you with tasks that they can master. • Teach empathy (walking in another’s shoes).

12. Maintain a daily routine • Sticking to a routine can be comforting to children. • Encourage your child to develop his/her own routines

13. Take a break • Endless worrying can be very counter-productive. Teach your child how to focus on something besides what’s worrying him. Be aware of what your child is exposed to…news, internet, overheard conversations. Even young children can absorb frightening events that they hear about. Be sure your child can take a break from those things that worry him. Unstructured play time is critical to children.

14. Teach your child self-care • Make yourself a good example. • Eating properly, exercising, having fun and resting will lead to balance and better coping with stressful times.

15. Move toward your goals • Teach your child to set reasonable goals and then move toward them one step at a time. • Break down large assignments or projects into smaller achievable goals so your kids can acknowledge their accomplishments as they master their steps. • New goals can replace goals that have become unattainable.

16. Nurture a Positive Self-View • Help your child remember that he\she has handled tough things in the past. These challenges build strength to handle trouble in the present\future. • Help your child to trust herself to solve problems and make appropriate decisions. • Teach your child to see humor and laugh at one self sometimes.

17. Keep things in perspective and maintain a hopeful outlook • Hope is critical. Hope that relief will come. • Help children see that painful events do not last forever and our emotions can change often.