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1. I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no response. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with guys merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my internet dating, however, I realized that this was actually a response for what men do to women. There are 3 significant levers in our lives which, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was depressed. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I started creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the whole process I chose to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can't only get dates, but maybe discover the love of your life (with minimal stress).

2. Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might have to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be much more likely to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these approaches as we navigate the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). The complete most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've found is that both women and men who are searching for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. Basically, so as to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In fact, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have hot photos up in your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy

3. So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every man who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a girl to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to make them participate in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your fault. I have seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. For instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months later that, while it is good to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the right people. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it is projected that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you talk. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to test is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way...

4. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on each profile, but I set up another profile picture on each. I rotated the images across profiles until I could get a large enough sample size and make certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film that I did not read into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of girls. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. This is a super easy optimization that may seem like a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can really ask your games exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a game was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Now, a part of this error may be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to understand that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our complete selves except when we're by ourselves.

5. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up shirt, as an example, isn't always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not want to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy. I was that guy. I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We finished the date cordially and moved on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is good, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You don't need to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There is absolutely no right answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is having a very clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly.

6. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that provides some colour to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social media sites: quickly and without much thought. It could be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the person who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is all about respecting the medium that you are producing the content for. For instance, if I went into a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make sure it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of colour and perhaps some talking points that you two can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I like as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to

7. pretty much anybody. "I like hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the people in your area enjoy both those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In dating, you essentially want the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of women who have matched with a guy who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other online dating programs too. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for example, you have thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact

8. The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it's a very unnatural method of communicating, because it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that when you take millions of people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it is a fantastic idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? For bonus points, try to purchase them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! What is it going?" B) "Hey! How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of this sort of question). D) "Hey! (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I will add some space before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer

9. Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a movie or a place in their own pictures. The reason why I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to start a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for guys: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you would with a friend.

10. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much men pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he's interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to place a lot more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that seems weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a suggestion for both parties: Try to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. Where you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But first a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it is actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was completely new to dating so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them didn't go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so awkward (and pricey ) dates, I decided

11. that I should experiment with some other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. It was not I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to talk about. What should you do next? You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. Therefore, if we are getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had fallen 15 ft to what I was sure was my upcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn once I began taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date place could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is changing so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Activity -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but make sure it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert!

12. No chemistry? No problem, how can we end the date earlier? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the same places like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I would substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template that simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my brain. So here's my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you are a guy) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a few go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the beach, we could go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal event so we could both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl did not like facts and science it likely would not work out between us anyway. As an additional bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating

13. arrangement. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on every date as you attempt to make your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Be certain that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you've both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that isn't too tricky. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it's time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the connection. By way of instance, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most important pieces of the online dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the man is the one forcing the dating sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. jak poderwac dziewczyne But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message her, she messages youback and forth, forth and back. In order to make certain I do not waste all my time with internet conversations I found it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, working as"the new man" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing I discovered is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired.

14. When I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you don't like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you are not prepared to date at this time. I had a woman tell me this and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you find someone who you want to be with really poorly, don't frighten them away by being obsessive. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked pretty well was the following:

15. Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to grow and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure may need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of dating. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's vital to have a system set up to assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and hold on. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides can help you enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important point to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and minimize your chance of catastrophic failure. A means of doing that is by going on dates that are not just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all of the above things, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal plan being just one of many. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, once you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating.

16. If you enjoyed this post, I would super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more people can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.