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Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you are a man ) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves.
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THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to navigate the pains and pitfalls She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no reply. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. How could women take advantage of me like this? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first place. As I matured in my online relationship, however, I understood that this was really a response for what men do to women. There are 3 major levers in our lives which, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was scared. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I chose to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can not just get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you will be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in
together. So maybe these strategies are not all that mad, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these strategies as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women that are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, in order to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the format of a relationship and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photo until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photos sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are plenty of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4
Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a woman to swipe right in their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, men have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans until their palms develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it is good to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the right folks. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of some more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture.
They don't get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there is a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my pictures. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the same on every profile, but I put up another profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could get a large enough sample size and make certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture I did not read into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100 percent of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mineso I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that may seem to be a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches.
This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can really ask your games exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Now, a part of the error might be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. With no filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to realize that there's a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up shirt, as an instance, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with subsequent convention. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that man. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signs is good, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description.
You don't need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you don't want to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There is absolutely no ideal answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is using a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to provide a quick snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. By way of example, if I went into a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and be sure that it is quintessentially you. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two.
The intro paragraph gives a small amount of colour and perhaps some talking points that you can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I enjoy and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure that there are people on earth who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of those people in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you essentially want the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a guy who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific.
On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The beauty of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a Click here! pub for instance, you have thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it is a very unnatural way of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that when you take countless people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it's a fantastic idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! What is it going?" B) "Hey! C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of the type of question). D) "Hey! (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I will add some distance before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.)
Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a picture or a place in their pictures. The reason I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I'm currently reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it seems too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating suggestions for guys: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation just like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common
complaints I have heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they normally have no clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then make sure to ask the man about things he's interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a lot more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Attempt to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it is just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. In which you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was completely new to relationship so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them didn't go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I decided
that I need to experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You start talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? You have to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It is a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. So, if we are getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I had been holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't grab the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I started taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is changing so that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be sure it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing?
Make sure she is not afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template which simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you are a man ) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret test because if a woman did not like science and facts it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway. As an additional bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to search for on each date as you attempt to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for great conversation. Make sure that you can reliably go to this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date).
Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that is not too difficult. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the connection. For example, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right maybe one of the most crucial pieces of the online dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the guy is the one driving the dating sequence (which is not always the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you go for the kiss? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message her, she messages youback and forth, forth and back. In order to make certain that I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing I discovered is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty.
Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you don't like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with the other person and on your own. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you aren't ready to date right now. I had a girl tell me and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Girls are like shadows, the more you chase them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they pursue you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really badly, don't scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There's a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2
Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure may need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it is imperative to have a system set up to assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and just make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the help of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and minimize your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates that aren't just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all of the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of many. But remember, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more people can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit
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