So You've Bought znajdź dziewczynę przez internet ... Now What?

1. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I discovered afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal plan, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location. As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are 3 significant levers in our lives that, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating novice. I was depressed. I was scared. I was scarred. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I chose to learn online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not only get dates, but possibly find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might have to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions

2. that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you will be more inclined to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a whole lot of these strategies as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). The absolute most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both men and women that are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, in order to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In fact, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photos sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to have interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to find a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 For men, we tend to have the opposite problem.

3. Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a woman to swipe right in their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is completely your fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to jak oczarować dziewczynę everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it's good to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (remember I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the perfect folks. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of some more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way...

4. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I set up another profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could get a large enough sample size and be certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a picture I didn't read into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mineso that I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super simple optimization that can seem to be a pain now, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can actually ask your matches exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, a part of this error might be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea.

5. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to understand that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up top, as an example, is not always wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she doesn't wish to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked really cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that man. I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality at all. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signs is great, but choosing false signals not so much. You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you don't need to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter.

6. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is using a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: quickly and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the person who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. For instance, if I went up to a girl at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and be certain it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph

7. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a little bit of color and perhaps some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as possible! Some of my favourite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I am into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I enjoy as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anybody. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive that there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those people in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you basically need the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making first contact.

8. I've heard countless stories of women who have matched with a man who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they do not want to seem desperate. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other online dating programs too. Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your initial conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For one thing, it is a really unnatural way of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that when you take millions of people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it's a good idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to determine if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? For bonus points, try to purchase them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! How's it going?" How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of the type of question). How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their

9. profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I will add some space before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a picture or a location in their own pictures. The reason I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and went past a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating suggestions for guys:

10. DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation like you would with a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they normally have no clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you are tired of discussions feeling like interviews, then make sure that you ask the man about things he's interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a good deal more thought into their text messages than men do. If a guy says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for both parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it is just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. Where you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But first a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant.

11. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was totally new to dating so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them didn't go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with some other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You start talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You're not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You have to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had let go of the rope as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't grab the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn when I began carrying my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your landscape is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone

12. something that you are passionate about, but be certain it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template that simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. So here's my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 different types of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a woman did not like facts and science it likely would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to search for on each date as you attempt to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Be sure that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date).

13. Date #2: You have broken the ice and you've both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that isn't too difficult. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it is time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the relationship. By way of instance, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe among the most important pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the relationship sequence (which is not always the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually think about timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. To be able to make certain that I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing that I noticed is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed.

14. Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with the other person and on your own. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you aren't prepared to date right now. I had a woman tell me and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself also ). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really badly, don't frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Permit the relationship to have some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There's a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked fairly well was the following:

15. Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these dating strategies helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure might have to be different than the one above. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it is imperative to have a system in place that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just jump and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less intense rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a whole lot more. Perhaps the single most important point to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and minimize your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing that is by going on dates which are not just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your dating partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to minimize the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all of the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of many. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more people can find it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.