10 Wrong Answers to Common poradnik podrywu Questions: Do You Know the Right One

1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal plan, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my online dating, however, I realized that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. There are three significant levers in our lives that, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I quit the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was depressed. I was scared. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was going to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the whole process I chose to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but possibly find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment.

2. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these strategies as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). The absolute most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both men and women that are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, in order to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written clues. In fact, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photograph before a user clicks, resulting in provocative photos sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every man who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a woman to swipe right in their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Guys, this is completely your own fault.

3. I've seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. For instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it's great to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the right people. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of some more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it is projected that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make up our mind about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to test is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not sure how I could test numerous pictures considering I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr.

4. I kept my profile description the exact same on every profile, but I set up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could get a large enough sample size and make certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film that I did not read into, pic B, was actually a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of women. I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that can seem like a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can actually ask your games what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, a part of this error might be my fault, since I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to understand that there's a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other people. A man wearing a button up shirt, as an instance, isn't always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he's wealthy.

5. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't want to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with subsequent convention. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy. I was that man. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party did not match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signs is great, but choosing false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There's no right answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is having a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 components: Headline: A short sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked

6. best for me: The objective of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content that will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. By way of example, if I went up to a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make certain it is quintessentially you. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of colour and possibly some talking points that you two can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I like and some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure that there are people on earth who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those people in your area enjoy both those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things

7. which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you basically want the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a guy who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they do not want to appear desperate. Butobviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for example, you have tens of thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a massive limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship. For one thing, it's a really unnatural way of communicating, since it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication.

8. It is logical then that if you take millions of people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it's a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a good opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? How's it going?" B) "Hey! C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of this sort of question). (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to consider it for a second. (I will add some space before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations

9. resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a picture or a location in their pictures. The reason why I suspect that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and moved past a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a dialogue. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation just like you would with a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling such as

10. interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he's interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a good deal more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it is just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your house. Where you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was completely new to relationship so I was just following what I had seen in movies. Many of them did not go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I should experiment with several other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously. It wasn't that I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You start talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment

11. on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost immediately. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn when I began taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a wonderful date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is changing so you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look Continue reading at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be certain it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template that simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on

12. my mind. So here is my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you are a guy) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: What these activities had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman didn't like facts and science it likely wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on every date as you attempt to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Be sure that you can reliably go to this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that isn't too tricky. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the connection. For instance, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe among the most important pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which is not always the case) there are some questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss?

13. Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. The main thing is to actually think about timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It's quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages youback and forth, back and forth. In order to make sure that I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new man" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing that I discovered is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion is to stop playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you are not ready to date at this time. I had a woman tell me this and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day.

14. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you chase them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really poorly, don't scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to set up a date, but there is no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the one above. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's vital to have a system set up that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it

15. would be foolish to just hop on and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides will help you enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates that aren't only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something fun. And, to minimize the risk, you should build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of many. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more people can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.