TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK - PowerPoint PPT Presentation

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TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK
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TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK

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  1. FROM C.O.N.T.R.O.L TALK TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK Lecture 17a

  2. PROBLEM C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALKBEING RIGHT ASSUME/JUDGE LIGHT - HEAVY D.I.A.LO.G.U.E. TALK SOLVE PROBLEM LEARN/ ACCEPT - MINDFULNESS - FLEXIBILITY - META-TALK THREE TYPES OF TALK AND PROBLEM-SOLVING IN RELATIONSHIPS CONNECT TALK (SMALL TALK) CHOICE

  3. D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK REQUIRES A SHIFT • FROM TRYING TO CONTROL OTHER • TO MANAGING YOURSELF

  4. MANAGING YOURSELF • IS ABOUT THE U.E. OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. • Understanding First - suspend judgment • Emotional Self-Management - hot to cool feelings

  5. EMOTIONAL SELF-MANAGEMENT • CHANGE “HOT” TO “COOL” FEELINGS • COOL YOURSELF DOWN • HEART OVER 100 BEATS A MINUTE - STARTS BIOCHEMISTRY OF EMOTIONAL HI-JACK (Goleman) or EMOTIONAL FLOODING (Gottman) • BREATHE FROM THE DIAGPHRAM - “THE BELLY” • RELAX MUSCLES • CHANGE YOUR EGO STATE - FROM ANGRY PARTENT OR CHILD TO ADULT • CHANGE YOUR VOICE

  6. THE “VOICE” OF SELF-MANAGEMENT • NOT THIS - CRITICAL/ANGRY PARENT • Words Used Voice Tone Non-Verbals • That’s bad Judgmental Points or wags finger • Admonishing Frowns, squints • You should Critical Feet apart, hands on hips • You ought Condescending Slaps, spanks • You never Loud Serious looking • Be quit, good Disgusted, sneering Arms crossed, closed posture • Don’t you Scheming Foot tapping • Ridiculous Comparing Looks up in disgust • You must Demanding Pounds Table • Falikowski in Readings

  7. THE “VOICE” OF SELF-MANAGEMENT • NOT THIS - Adapted/Angry Child • Words Used Voice Tone Non-Verbals • I’m wrong Placating, Sweet Looks innocent • Defiant, rebellious words Angry, Defiant Fights aggressively • No, Make me, I won’t Chip on shoulder • I don’t care Soft Withdraws timidly • Total silence Withdraws angrily • You’ll be sorry Accusatory Looks Hurt • It’s Your fault

  8. THE ADULT EGO STATE: THE “VOICE” OF SELF-MANAGEMENT • THIS Voice - THE ADULT • Words Used Voice Tone Non-Verbals • Asks questions: • How Modulated Relaxed • What Appropriate Thoughtful • Where • Who Controlled, calm Looks up (as if in search of • Straight answers) • It seems to me Confident Brow wrinkles when thinking • Uses “I-messages”: Corresponds Attentive, engaged • I see, hear, understand to feelings • I feel • I wonder • Let’s see what we find

  9. WHICH VOICE IS THAT?

  10. WHICH VOICE IS THAT?

  11. Solve problem not save face - I manage myself not other We both have to change My story is my story - obvious only to me You have your story - obvious only to you I have all the data only when I listen to your story I clarify my meaning only How did we contribute to this situation? ASSUMPTIONS OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. TALK

  12. Descriptive language to explain situation I-messagesto tell my story Askquestions to get theirstory Listen Actively to get their meaning OpenAcknowledgement of their story, their situation, humanity GenuineSupport for them & efforts to resolve D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E STYLE ELEMENTS

  13. D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK Lecture 17b

  14. Descriptive language to explain situation Non-judgmental Assume as little as possible Present “data” - facts as you see them DESCRIBE

  15. Description Or Judgment • Saying simply “what is” - isn’t easy • 1. John was mad at me yesterday for no reason. • 2. Yesterday night George finished the clean up of the shop. • 3. Sam didn't ask for my opinion during the meeting. • 4. My supervisor complains when I talk with him. • 5. Henry is aggressive.

  16. I-MESSAGES 1. ACKNOWLEDGE THE OTHER’S __________________. 2. DESCRIBE THE_________________ YOU’VE OBSERVED. 3. SAY HOW YOU ______________ ABOUT IT. SAY WHAT YOU ___________________________. CONCERNS BEHAVIOUR FEEL WANT TO HAPPEN

  17. I-MESSAGES IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION

  18. D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK Lecture 17c

  19. I-MESSAGES IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION

  20. I-MESSAGES IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION

  21. ASKING QUESTIONS OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS TO OPEN UP CONVERSATION: 4W2H QUESTIONS WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, HOW, HOW MUCH BUT NOT “WHY” THEN CLOSED-ENDED QUESTIONS: PROBE FOR SPECIFIC FACTS AND DETAILS

  22. 1. PROBING - NON-EVALUATIVE REQUEST FOR MORE INFO - TO DRAW OUT 2. TRY TO CAST QUESTIONS INTO THE POSITIVE VOICE RATHER THAN A NEGATIVE ONE. ASKING QUESTIONS "WHY CAN'T WE SOLVE THIS?" AND "HOW CAN WE SOLVE THIS?" • IF YOU HAVE TO ASK A NUMBER OF QUESTIONS, GIVE YOUR REASONS FOR ASKING . "I'M NOT SURE I'M CLEAR ON THE WHOLE SITUATION, COULD YOU TELL ME MORE?"

  23. Listening Actively • TWO ELEMENTS OF LISTENING ACTIVELY • 1. UNIDIVIDED ATTENTION • 2. UNDERSTANDING FEEDBACK

  24. Listening Actively UNDIVIDED ATTENTION 1.USE YOUR ______________ AND YOUR ______________ TO SHOW READINESS. 2. USE ___________________ SIGNALS TO SHOW YOU’RE INVOLVED. 3. BE ______________ ABOUT LISTENING. JUDGE THE ______________ NOT THE SPEAKER’S STYLE. BODY EYES PARAVERBALS POSITIVE CONTENT

  25. Listening Actively • Understanding Feedback • PARAPHRASE BACK TO THE SPEAKER HOW YOU THINK OR FEEL ABOUT THE SUBJECT IN ORDER TO LET THEM KNOW YOU’VE REALLY LISTENED. USEFUL OPENING PHRASES INCLUDE: • _____________________ _________________________________ IHEARD YOU SAY SOUNDS TO ME LIKE

  26. Listening Actively • IS ABOUT THEM NOT YOU • Be a receptive listener • DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY SHOULD BE THINKING - ASK QUESTIONS

  27. DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY SHOULD BE THINKING: ASK QUESTIONS

  28. Listening Actively • IS ABOUT THEM NOT YOU • DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY SHOULD BE THINKING - ASK QUESTIONS • DON’T TELL YOUR STORY

  29. DON’T TELL YOUR STORY

  30. THE FOUR “DON’TS” Listening Actively • DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY SHOULD BE THINKING • DON’T TELL YOUR STORY • DON’T GIVE YOUR OPINION OR ADVICE UNTIL THEY ASK • DON’T DEBATE. LET THEM CORRECT YOUR REFLECTION IF THEY NEED TO TO.

  31. OPEN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT • SITUATIONAL • “THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE” • PERSONAL • “I WAS UPSET” • “YOU SEEM REALLY UPSET” • DISARMING • “I’M NO EXPERT, BUT…’” • HYPOTHETICAL • “IF I’D BEEN IN YOUR SITUATION, I WOULD HAVE TOO….”

  32. GENUINE SUPPORT • AFFIRM THE OTHER’S RIGHT TO DISAGREE • POSITIVE FEEBACK • CONSCIOUS AWARENESS • CLEAR DESCRIPTION • POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION

  33. GENUINE SUPPORT • POSITIVE, TIMELY, SPECIFIC FEEDBACK - COMPLIMENT • FEEDBACK FOR IMPROVEMENT • I-MESSAGES, ASK QUESTIONS, ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS, LISTEN ACTIVELY • OFFER SUGGESTIONS