Washington Barbie

1. Washington Barbie Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Washington/ Maryland/Virginia market. Here they are…

2. Washington Barbie “Potomac Barbie"  This model only sold at Neimans in White Flint. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, Versace dresses, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired Afghan dog named Honey, and a replica 80,000 sq. ft. crib. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Botox sold separately. Workaholic, stressed-out, corporate lawyer Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version. Tea set from Strathmore House not included. Sold as "Trophy Wife Barbie" in Los Angles market.

3. Washington Barbie “Fairfax Barbie” This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with ugly Ford minivan and matching gym outfit from Tysons II. Comes with Starbucks and Borders membership card. She gets lost easily except when headed to a mall or scrap-booking session. Has no full time occupation or secondary education unless you count the pottery class at Northern VA Community College. Traffic-jamming “Blue Tooth” included.

4. Washington Barbie “Waldorf Barbie” This recently paroled former “Amateur Porn Actress" comes with a Glock, switch blade, red Chevy pickup truck and a portable methlab. Only available after dark and must be paid for with cash or Sudafed. Don’t leave money or valuables around this model. Can usually be found at the Route 301 Motel 6 cookin “The Crystal.” Warning: Lab will explode if chemicals are mixed incorrectly.

5. Washington Barbie “Bethesda Barbie” This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of Audi convertible or Hummer H2. Includes her own Starbucks cup, 15 credit cards, and a country club membership. Also comes with an assortment of matchbooks from all the trendy restaurants on Wisconsin Ave. Warning: Turns green with envy when placed beside Potomac Barbie. Do not store in same area. Also available with this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. Both come with Georgetown Prep Crew sweaters.

6. Washington Barbie “Calvert County Barbie"  This extremely pale model comes dressed in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR T shirt, and a “Thelma and Louise" tattoo above her butt. She also comes with a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a Travis Tritt CD set. Also included is a frequent shopper’s card from Wal-Mart. She can spit snuff over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when drunk. Platinum bleach blonde Francie comes with an authentic Jeff Gordon jersey. Get her 82 Silverado pick-up from Ourisman Chevrolet (sold separately). * ACT NOW AND GET THE CONFEDERATE FLAG BUMPER STICKER ABSOLUTELY FREE.

7. Washington Barbie “Hybla Valley Barbie”This Barbie comes with a stroller and lots of babies. Optional accessories include a GED, food stamps, a carton of Newport menthols, and requisite cell phone. Baby Daddy and Big Baller Kenvonte and his Navigator are hard to find. They’ve appeared on Jerry Springer with his ex-hoe Shquidonnaisha. Other Ken “babydaddies” sold separately. Act now and get the Section 8 housing projects for ½ price!!!.

8. Washington Barbie “Mitchellville Barbie” Also sold only at White Flint because PG stores make her uncomfortable. Feels slighted and gets upset by the phrase “PG” but won’t shop south of Chevy Chase. She comes with a large assortment of Giorgio Armani handbags, DKNY and Versace dresses, Black Glama fur, Benzos, Beamers and Escalades. Fat diamond accessories make her smile. Feels superior to Adams Morgan and Langley Park Barbie but ain’t but one generation away from South Central, Southeast or South Carolina. Uppity attitude sold separately but required for this model.

9. Washington Barbie “Frederick County Barbie” This farm hand Barbie comes complete with Daisy Duke shorts up to her hooch, Dolly Parton hair and cattle lasso. Heavily bleached bouffant and authentic Tony Lama boots included. Plays her Toby Keith CD over and over and over so be ready. Beer guzzlin, alcoholic trucker Ken beats her weekly. To prevent broken bones, this is the first bendable Barbie ever made. Bruise make-up included. If you purchase Ken, you will be required to register his location with the county police. Monster truck sold separately.

10. Washington Barbie “Middleburg Barbie” Comes with authentic Ariat Heritage II riding boots, Kerrits Free Rider jacket, Iredeon Power Stretch 3 season breeches and Mountain Horse derby. Daddy’s trust fund allows for unfettered spending so be prepared. Four years at Wharton and three at Oxford give this Barbie more savvy and intel than all others. Shops heavily at Promenade Des Sens in Paris in the summer and Milan during the winter. Maserati and Maybach sold separately. As a matter of fact, you can’t afford her so forget it.

11. Washington Barbie “Gold Coast Barbie” Where Mitchellville Barbie is “New Black Money”, Gold Coast Barbie is “Old Black Money”. Talks down to Mitchellville Barbie and makes her feel small. Never put the two together; a cat fight will break out. She says “PG” just to spite her. Understated wealth with Klein, Vanderbilt and Lauren being her designers of choice. Comes with a Kennedy Center and Smithsonian lifetime membership and NPR sponsorship. Being “Hi Yella” and “Passin” are expected on “The Coast”. Hard to find lobbyist Ken can be found dining with Colin Powell, Barack Obama or Condoleeza Rice. Understated but elegant Jaguar or Cadillac sold separately.

12. Washington Barbie “Adams Morgan Barbie” This back to the motherland African Princess has 14 jobs, and a catering service out the back of her apartment. Her 8 kids work for her and she can be found lugging giant sacks of rice and bundles of plantains on Columbia Road. Rides a bus daily to Potomac Barbie’s house to raise her kids for her. She doesn’t have a car but cab driving Ken takes her to “The Crossroads” every Saturday.

13. Washington Barbie “Rockville Barbie” She’s perfect in every way. This collagen injected, rhino plastic, botox Barbie wears Talbots outfits, drinks double martinis and snorts coke while entertaining friends at her 19th-century, 21-room home on W. Montgomery Ave. She also has no full time occupation or secondary education unless you count the semester she went to Yale to "catch" Yuppie CEO Ken. Pick from a Mercedes CLS class or Range Rover. Both sold separately. Percocet, Valium, Prozac and Darvon prescriptions available but sold separately. Get the variety pack and save.

14. Washington Barbie “Langley Park Barbie” This Spanish speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota, expired temp. tags and six niñas (all named Maria) in the back seat. No car seat needed. Flag from any Central-American country included to hang from mirror. Lives with 18 other Barbies and 11 Kens on Flower Avenue but thanks the Virgin of Guadalupe daily for her “vida hermosa.” The optional Ken doll can be found at the 7-11 on Piney Branch Road and comes with a paint-bucket and bag of pupusas. Green cards sold separately.

15. Washington Barbie “Cabin John Barbie” This model is made of actual tofu, soy and burlap. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase her “Life Partner” Francie and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free. "Save the C & O Canal" tee shirt optional.

16. Washington Barbie “Damascus Barbie” This bubble gum chewing, heavily bleached Barbie has a pair of high-heeled Wal-Mart sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Eli's Tavern. Her ensemble includes 1986 acid-washed jeans, Lee Press-On nails and a see-through halter-top from Marshalls. Also available with a “Doublewide” sold separately.

17. Washington Barbie “Dupont Circle Ken” This model comes with authentic leather chaps, silk thong undies and wifebeater muscle tee 2 sizes too small. Only model that sings show tunes. Can usually be found cruising P Street after dark, at Ram Rods or La Cage aux Follies. Comes with a lifetime pass to the Shakespeare Theatre. He has no desire for a Barbie but other Kens are welcome. Mazda Miata sold separately.