Communication

1. Communication Communication: • extremely important. Most problems involve communication failure Patterns of Interaction: • constructive vs. destructive • constructive interaction strengthens human bonds and enhances self-esteem • Intimacy entails mutual self-disclosure. Need for truthfulness, leads to trust. Trust strengthens intimacy.

2. Communication (Cont’d): • Truth in Sex: • Private vs. Public Talk • Importance of non-verbal communication (90%) • Intent: • what you mean to say • Impact: • what the other hears • Need for frequent clarification of both

3. Communication (Cont’d): • Ambiguous vs. Non-Ambiguous Messages • Fair Fighting • Misinterpretation of Sex Signals • Focus 10.2: • Tannen’s Work • Men tend to use language for information, status and one-upmanship • Women tend to use language to get close, for intimacy, sharing, rapport • Recent research shows #s not so great, but are there

4. Communication (Cont’d): • Receiving message: • active listening • non-defensive • really listen • feedback: • I heard you say … paraphrasing • Validation • Non-Verbal Communication

5. Communication (Cont’d): • Active Listening: • attentive body language, appropriate facial expressions, asking questions, making brief comments • Paraphrasing, showing true understanding of the message: • rephrasing in own words what the listener heard. Opportunity to clarify misunderstandings.

6. Communication (Cont’d): • Feedback: • communicate verbally our reaction to the message • Acceptance of Message: • I really appreciate your telling me this. Your disclosure sheds a lot of light on our problem. What you told me makes it easier for me to understand where you’re coming from.

7. Communication (Cont’d): • Unconditional Positive Regard • Conveying that you love the person no matter what they reveal • When questioning, use open-ended questions rather than yes/no questions • E.g. of yes/no: • Do you like oral sex? • Did you come? • E.g. of open-ended: • What gives you the most pleasure? • Where do you like to be touched? • What are your feelings about oral sex?

8. Communication (Cont’d): • “I” statements” • “You don’t care about me” vs. “I feel ignored”. • “You upset me” vs. “I’m upset”. • “You don’t love me” vs. “I feel unloved”.

9. Communication (Cont’d): • Documenting: • stick to specifics • Leveling: • be honest and clear • Editing: • leave out hurtful comments

10. Communication (Cont’d): • Alexithymia: • Inability to verbalize one’s feelings or emotions, or even be aware of them. • Very common in men. • Due to gender role socialization. • In today’s context it has become dysfunctional.

11. Communication (Cont’d): • Alexithymia: • Fear, sadness and shame: • transformed into aggression • Caring emotions: • transformed into sex

12. Communication (Cont’d): • Destructive patterns of interaction: • Criticism • Contempt • Defensiveness • Attack • Withdrawal, stonewalling