Interpersonal Relationship Techniques with children

1. Interpersonal Relationship Techniques with children Michele Aluoch River of Life Professional Counseling LLC c. 2014

2. Social Skills development • Not automatic • A type of language • Affects making and keeping relationships, quality of relationships, school and home interactions, problem solving and conflict mgmt. • Affects people’s perception of you

3. Who am I?: developing Self awareness • Personality qualities, hobbies and interests • Experiences in life • Beliefs and values • Put each on a sheet and pick out of shoebox. Can you guess. Then build on these to get to know each other more.

4. Meeting Someone: Introductions • Stand up • Look the other person in the eye • Smile • Say- Hi. I am ________ • Make some comments about activity

5. A Help wanted ad Friend Wanted! • Age: • Type of relationship: • Qualities: • Behaviors: • Expectations:

6. Exercises: introducing yourself • You see three other kids playing ball. You would like to join them but you are not sure if they want someone new in the group. • There is a new student in class this year. You wonder if they could become your friend. You recall what it was like being new last year yourself. You wonder if the child feels alone and how they are doing with being in a new school. • You would like to play with another child but this one is taller and more popular than you. How do you approach him?

7. Finding Commonalities • Observe. • Self assess about what you like, believe, etc. • Any similarities? • Categories • Sports • Hobbies • Foods • Music • School subjects • What I want to be when I grow up • Siblings/Family • Where I live • Other: ________________

8. Expressing feelings Both children and adults who express feelings: • More likeable • More intelligent • Personable and friendly • Better social development • Involves how to express, when to express, and expressing in balanced ways • Expression with dignity and restraint (e.g. anger mgmt.)

9. Feelings Faces Exercises • Use to normalize feelings • E.g. even mom/dad feel _____ when _____ happens…

10. Understanding All my feelings

11. Active Listening Skills • Label feelings with a word, role model • Normalize experience by making general feeling statements about how others do through similar unpleasant feelings (but still have behavior choices) angry Happy sad

12. Active listening (cont.) • Teach I Messages: • I feel __________ when/because ___________ and in the future I’d like ___________ . Requires practice regularly. Tied to listening, hearing, paraphrasing, clarifying, setting behavioral goals.

13. Using Your Words • YOU MESSAGESI MESSAGES Blame No blame Threaten Understanding Divide each person’s Hurt point of view Focus on the Past Focus on Solutions Use Absolute terms Each person takes responsibility for his/her part I feel _________ when /because ______ and in the future I’d like __________ to happen.

14. I MessagesI feel _______ because ________ and in the future I want _______. You MessageI Message You are so hurtful and I feel disrespected when the mean to everyone. family rules are not followed. If they are not respected ___ will happen. You need to try harder. I am very proud of your efforts. You could do so much when I see you putting time in better. your work even when it means having to wait to watch cartoons You are the nicest person I am encouraged when you I know. think of how your choices affect others.

15. Exercise: Changing you messages to I messages You MessageI Message • You make me mad! I feel upset about this. • You are the messiest It makes me anxious when person around. the room is sloppy and things are not in their place. • You don’t understand. • You are so dumb.

16. Exercises: I messages • What went well? What do you hope to continue? • I practiced hard for many days for my science presentation and actually got a B when usually I do poorly in that class. • I was chosen for student council by my classmates. • I worked hard at a babysitting job and was able to save up money for the shoes I wanted. • When I got my first job I was named employee of the month after only being there two months.

17. Exercise: I messages • My best friend went and told the others in class my secret. • When I returned from the restroom I found my art project in a bunch of pieces on the floor. • After I studied so hard for that test I still got a D. • My dad died when I was 10 years old and my grandmom had to raise me. • I live in a rough neighborhood. There are police sirens all day and night, gangs, and even walking to the bus stop and home from school can be fearful.

18. Listening to the Speaker(Perspective Taking) 1. Experiences- what is happening 2. Behaviors- what he or she is doing or not doing 3. Feelings/Emotions- expressed or implied 4. Thoughts and Beliefs- internal cognitions and perceptions

19. Exercise: The Wise Men and the Elephant Read the story. Discuss how limiting things to our own perspective can hinder us from seeing what we need to se in a situation. Explore how incorporating many perspectives may help give a fuller picture of things? Generalize: how can this be used with situations in the client’s life?

20. The Communication Game Modeling and Practicing Communication Game 1) Are you feeling ____? 2) You feel this because _____? 3) You wish ___ would happen? Key= get three “Yes” answers before moving on to next family member

21. Empathy: putting yourself in someone’s shoes • When someone tells you of an event listen to their experience, feelings, thoughts, and what they wish happened. • What did they hope for? What actually happened? • What do they want from here?

22. Exercise: putting yourself in someone else’s shoes • Billy thought he was training hard for the team but his name was not posted on the wall when those chosen were posted. • Angela’s mom is disrespected by Angela. She puts her headphones on when she is around the house, yells and puts her hands on her hips and refuses to do what she’s told, and calls her mom horrible names. • Maria heard other classmates talking about a party coming upon the weekend. It seems as if everyone but Maria got an invitation.

23. Mixed Feelings • Usually feelings are not just pleasant or unpleasant. • It is realistic in life to have co-occurring differing types of feelings.

24. Examples: mixed feelings • I was an only child for 8 years. Then my mom had a baby. • We were going to play my favorite game in gym today but then it rained outside. • My birthday gifts were given to me but I did not get anything I asked for. • I finally found someone I considered a best friend but he told me the other day that his family would be moving. • When I leant my I-Pod to my friend she smashed it and now it is broken.

25. Empathy with behavior change • Start with I message about the perceived event and your feelings • Share your goals. • Ask a request. Find out what the other would be willing to do. • Example: I feel confused when you started sharing a story about that class and then you changed topics. I’d like to understand what happened in that class today. Would you be willing to repeat yourself? Could we talk about the next topic after we finish talking about school?

26. Empathy with behavior change • I do not agree with your perception of that event but I am willing to hear how you came to that conclusion. Can we review the incident please? • I am worried about the lying and sneaking behaviors. I don’t want to see you in trouble. • __________________________________________________________________________________________ • I am concerned when time passes and I do not get a phone call about where you are. I don’t know what is happening then. __________________________________________________________________________________________

27. Keeping the conversation going • We live down the street • So do we. • Really, what area? • By the grocery store? • In the new houses? • Yeah. The ones they are still building next to the shopping plaza. • Wow! That’s easy to walk to places.

28. Exercises: Keeping communication Going • It is tough returning after summer break. • Sure is. Did you do anything interesting? • ________________________________ • ________________________________ • You have an interesting lunch today. • ______________________________________ • ______________________________________ • ______________________________________

29. Attending, Focusing & ListeningSkill Development • Self evaluation (ongoing self awareness and management) • Awareness of nonverbals (sitting in seat, direction of body, movement) • Reminding self “what am I supposed to be doing?” • When helpful use a concrete cue to signify who is the speaker (e.g. object)

30. Self Assessment of Listening Habits • DIRECTIONS: Use the following scale to self evaluate listening habits/teach child processing skills: Often-Sometimes-A little-Never

31. Listening Assessment • 1. Do you ignore people when they say something you do not want to hear? • 2.Do you concentrate more on the speaker’s appearance, mannerisms, or accent rather than the content of what they are saying? • 3. Do you assume you already know what they are going to say before they say it? • 4. Do you shut off listening when you disagree with someone? • 5. Do you only listen for facts instead of getting the big picture and the whole idea? • 6. Do you look around and pay attention to many things around you when someone is talking?

32. Listening Assessment • 7. Do you just listen and not take notes or find later that you don’t have much written down about what was said? • 8. Do you hear outside noises that distract you from the speaker? • 9. Do you take each situation as something new rather than trying to connect things to what you already know? • 10. Do you only do homework only when it is assigned instead of reviewing something and keeping up each day? • 11.Do you close your mind off to any new ideas that differ from your own? • 12. Do you slouch, fidget, or find it hard to look at and pay attention to the speaker?

33. Listening Assessment • 13. Do you sit in the back or sides where it is easier to get distracted instead of choosing a front or center seat to pay attention? • 14. Do you have trouble knowing how and when to ask questions? • 15. Do you sometimes just stay quiet and not ask anything even when you really need help?

34. Ways To Improve Listening • Practice listening and attending skills even when you think you can guess ahead what is going to be said. • Focus on the message, not details like the person’s looks, voice, and accent. • Learn how to hear differing points of view and to take perspectives. • Use techniques to aid memory like note taking, peg words, visualization, drawings, and linking things together. • Frequently ask yourself, “what am I supposed to be doing?”

35. Ways To Improve Listening • Be prepared to listen by reviewing ahead/daily. • Choose seating and positioning that will minimize distractions. • Have a way to record your thoughts and emotions on paper as the other is speaking so you do not interrupt. • Don’t assume you know anything. Use empathy and paraphrasing skills to “check in.” • Practice listening. It does not come naturally.

36. Nonverbal Listening • 93 % or more of the message • Body language • Eye contact- attentive without staring • Gestures • Posture • Facial expressions • Tone of voice

37. Exercise: Non verbal communication • Try saying “hello” in different ways. For example, to someone you are excited to see after a long time who is a best friend versus someone you would rather not see but have to be polite to anyway. • Try saying “I have a lot of homework” a few different ways- . As a child who loves learning and doing well in school and 2. as a child who is angry that homework will interrupt favorite TV shows tonight

38. Personal space • The distance around two people • Your sort of personal bubble around you • Exercise: practice standing at different lengths with someone else. What feels comfortable for different interactions?

39. Good versus bad touch • What does touch communicate? • High five • Shaking someone’s hand • Hugging someone • Tickling • Touching under underwear • Slapping someone • Kicking someone in the leg • Pushing someone out of line

40. ABC Model • Note situations where certain skill development may need to be taught in counseling • Focus on development of more appropriate reactions • Antecedents- look at context, complexity of tasks, and stimuli • Behavior- use variables like color, movement, speed of presentation, breaks

41. Following rules • How knowing things ahead helps • What are the expectations? • Does it depend where you are at? • Behavior? • How? • When? • What situation? • How often?

42. Ingredients of Healthy rules • Phrase positively. • Describe what is supposed to be happening. • What is the positive or negative consequence for doing or not doing it? • Supported by real life role modeling.

43. Exceptions to rules • Context of a situation may make situations different for different people. • Exercises: • Hugging someone- A neighbor child fell off his bike and is on the ground screaming. He seems like he is in pain. • Saying hello- you were taught to be polite but a stranger drives by and rolls down the window and asks you for your name and where you live. • Giving out information- You just met a new kid at the community pool. He asks- can I have your address and phone number so I can stop by tomorrow?

44. Problem Solving &Thinking Ahead Skills • 1) What am I supposed to be doing? • 2) What are my choices? • 3) Focus in. Remind self of #1. • 4) Pick a choice (Help child learn to use his or her imagination to anticipate consequences and alternatives). • 5) Check the choice- Process. a) Good choice---”good job” , “What went well?”, “How can I keep it going well?” b) Poor choice-- “I need to try again.” “What did not work? Why?” “What is the new plan?” (Use steps)

45. Problem Solving &Thinking Ahead Skills • Rules: • 1. Go slowly. • 2. Say each step while doing it. • 3. Get the right answer. • Progression Of Steps • Say out loud. • Wisper. • Mouth (do not speak). • Do steps to self.

46. Exercise: problem Solving • You have a lot of homework tonight but this is the night all your favorite TV shows are on. If you really put in the time you need to you will not be able to watch the TV shows live. • Your mom asked you to clean your room but you see the other kids outside playing. Mom is not home from work for 1 hour. What do you do? • There are some cookies on a plate in the kitchen. Dad said only eat three but there seem to be so many so it does not seem anyone will notice if you eat nine or ten and rearrange them. What do you do?

47. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Address changes in typical assumptions Assumptive World Theory Shift from: I am worthy. My world is safe. Life is good. Parents/caregivers look out for me. TO I am a wreck. Life is crummy and things always go wrong. The world is a bad place. People are mean and hurtful. There is no one who can be trusted. There is no real meaning in life. I am weak and helpless.

48. Changing Erroneous Attributions and cognitions Challenge attributions (e.g. abuse) Old toxic thoughtNew improved thoughts I caused the problem. I am a bad person. People cannot be trusted.

49. Developing Narratives: General • Help the child develop a story with a beginning, middle, and end • Restorative narrative- should be designed to fix, cure, and heal (can incorporate bibliotherapy or counseling techniques with the new narrative) • By end of story should be some new activities aimed at coping with the grief in productive ways

50. Rainy versus sunny thoughts • I never seem to get things in class as quickly as the other kids do. I guess I cannot do anything right. • The teacher wants me to do the main part in the play but I have an awful voice. I know everyone will laugh. • My clothes are not as cool as the other kids. I am sure they all think I look stupid. • Nothing ever goes my way. I should not even try anything. It is not worth it.