Boundaries, Triangles and Confidentiality

1. Boundaries, Triangles and Confidentiality

2. Boundaries BasicsDefinition • Lines of demarcation that establish an identity relative to others (i.e., relational context) • Defining the contours: Countries, politics, religions, groups, relationships, personal space, etc. • Distinguish one (person, group or space) from another (who or what is “in” or “out”)

3. Boundaries BasicsCharacteristics • Clarity: The rules that permit exchange of people, services, information, thoughts, feelings, etc. • Permeability: The ease with which people, information, emotion, etc. can move back and forth.

4. Boundaries BasicsExamples How clear and permeable are the boundaries around IWC? • Houses – Picket fence and “welcome” sign versus stone wall and “no trespassing” sign • Countries – Cuba & China vs. Canada &Puerto Rico • Members and Associates • Leadership and membership • Alliance, community, congregation, etc.

5. Normal Rigid Enmeshed BoundariesWhat’s normal? • It’s all relative (don’t pathologize) • The “extremes” tend to foster difficulties

6. From normal to the extremes

7. Normal Rigid Enmeshed Reflection QuestionsHow do you see yourselves? In light of these defining characteristics: • Where on the continuum do you see yourselfin relation to the community? • Where on the continuum do you see leadership in relation to the community? • Where do you see your local community relative to the community at large?

8. What is a triangle? “A triangle is any relationship between two people that is dependent upon a third (person, activity or thing) in order to maintain the status quo.” • Go-between • Superior • Therapist • Parents

9. C A B Triangulated When a third person is drawn into a conflict between two other people, they are said to be “triangulated”. Why? Because, the third person is taking on too much responsibility for the relationship of the other two.

10. C A B Triangulated When a third person is drawn into a conflict between two other people, they are said to be “triangulated”. How? • “Would you mind telling so and so….” • “I need to talk with you, but I need you to keep it confidential…”

11. A B Phase 1: Blocked Confrontations When conflicts are unresolved over time what happens to the relationship? • Build up walls of resentment, guilt, mistrust, etc • Closeness is thwarted, becomes superficial and estranged • Whatever originally nourished them, fades over time • If left unaddressed, the relationship dies

12. What do we usually call person B? C A B A and C depend on their mutual upset with B in order to maintain their relationship. What happens when B leaves? Phase 2: Scapegoat

13. E F D A C B C A C B A C B Phase 3 - Triangle A B • Who is in the middle depends upon your point of view • There could be a D, E and F, and so on….

14. We/They We/They C We/They Triangulation leads to Camps P R M J G Q K L R F H A B E O N I • Elemental structures that spawn camps

15. ? ? ? Whose camp are you in? Camps are more than a perception. These are the lines we draw around the company we keep and not keep.

16. ? ? ? Let’s go camping • What’s in it for me? • What harm can come from it?

17. Classic Triangle Martyr Do for others what they could do for themselves; they need to be needed and often end up resentful (e.g., “After all I’ve done for you…”). Victim Villain Believe they have no choice or power; use “can’t” rather than “won’t”, or “they made me”, versus “I chose not to”. Perceived by others to misuse power and control; we tend to demonize (e.g., “moral monsters”).

18. Martyr Victim Villain Classic Triangle • It’s a system • The roles are interchangeable • The people are interchangeable

19. Martyr Victim Villain Each person plays a role • What role do you play? • What’s your dominant role? • What triggers this? • How do you to contribute? • How can you move beyond this?

20. C Consultation & Coaching It is okay to consult? It depends A B

21. Things to Consider • Who to consult? Professional, associate, family member of friend? • It’s usually better if the coach is “outside” the system (e.g., less biased and threatening) • Tell the third person ahead of time of your need for consultation and work it out • If not, and if the other person is likely to be upset with your choice, thinkof youroptions • Whatever you do, accept and dealwith the consequences

22. When someone you care about in community has sought your loyalty by wanting you to take their side: • When you have ever attempted to stay neutral? • When have you ever decided that neutral was not enough and you sided with them? • When have you ever chosen to withdrawfrom being someone’s listening ear because you realized that you’re not the right person for them to talk with?

23. Clarifying types of Boundaries Privacy Norm Rigid Enmeshed Secrecy Shame Mystification Pathology Confidentiality Contract One-way Overused Privilege Legal When do these boundaries become a problem? • At extremes • Always • Overused to point of meaningless • When not thought through • When not talked through

24. Negotiating Boundaries7 tips to clear and permeable boundaries • Do not give carteblanche (“I’ll never tell a soul”) • Thinkthroughtheprosandcons • Do not be put in a position of losing your effectiveness • Do not be put in a position of betraying either a relationship (“you either win us or against us”) a value (e.g., lying) • Negotiate, content,time and people • Don’t write it in stone, keep working it

25. Responding to Requests (Complaints)For Confidentiality • Understand that you are changing a norm and will likely encounter “resistance” • Clarify nature of request • Clarify goal of conversation • Explore potential implications • Ask for what you need, negotiateandpartnerin creating boundaries that work • Build in some accountability, keep working at it

26. Questions ? Dunn, T. (2006). Triangulation and the misuse of power: A dance of victims, villains and rescuers. Human Development. , 27, 18 – 26.www.CCSstlouis.com