Maitri The Art of Making Friends with Ourselves

1. Maitri The Art of Making Friends with Ourselves Radhule Weininger PhD, MD

2. MAITRI Making friends with ourselves is one of the most important ingredients of spiritual practice

3. The process of making friends with ourselves creates the container that creates safety for our work with ourselves

4. Question Why is such a container necessary?

5. Question From the work with the CEB we know how overwhelming it can be to face ourselves. We experience how hard it can be to see ourselves clearly and at the same time remain compassionately

6. Contact with form Sense contact Ignorance Feeling The circle of the causation of suffering Karma Craving Grasping Death Suffering Birth Clinging Becoming

7. Contact with form “ego default” Sense contact Ignorance Feeling The circle of the causation of suffering Karma Craving Grasping Death Suffering Birth Clinging Becoming

9. CEB • As we look at our deep-rooted and recurring patterns, we discover that they are even harder to look at than just one- time- flair -ups of difficult emotions. • In Jungian psychology those patterns are called “complexes” in Buddhist psychology “samskaras”

10. Samskaras as “karmic complexes” • As we look at our deep-rooted and recurring patterns, we discover that they are even harder to look at then just one-time flair-ups of difficult emotions • In Jungian psychology those patterns are called “Complexes” • In Buddhist psychology “Samskaras”

11. Karma “Intention leads to behavior, behaviors to habits, habits form personality, and personality influences our destiny.” Jack Kornfield

12. Even the Buddha was not free from challenges, as we see in the following picture…..

14. In addition, as Westerners we often have the tendency to be critical with ourselves, to even condemn ourselves at times. We tend to see our personality traits as fixed rather than constantly changing. We also tend to have a hard time to forgive ourselves for mistakes we made in the past.

15. However… The task of seeing ourselves clearly and compassionately can seem overwhelming

16. Question? And, how do we do all this work to be done and remain friends with ourselves?

17. QAndAAnduestion? And, what does it mean to be friends with ourselves?

18. Openness to ourselves and life vs. • being closed and shut-down • Suspension of judgment while we work on ourselves vs. criticizing ourselves during the process of practicing and learning • Warmth toward self vs. Coldness to self • Calm focus through gentle Discipline vs. Harshness, Distractedness or self-indulgence • Clear seeing vs. self-delusion or denial

19. “Metta” not “Meta”Being self-aware rather than “self-conscious” • When we are “self-conscious” we still compare ourselves to an outside standard • This often leads to self-criticism • With self-awareness we view our internal experience as pure sensation, emotion, thought, image, and follow the arising, abiding, and falling away of all phenomena without commentary, analysis, or judgment • Kindness towards one’s own process spontaneously arises from this practice

20. How do we undertake this process of making friends with ourselves? Can we describe a step by step process?

21. In short… We make friends with ourselves by turning our gaze inward with non-judgmental, focused and kind self-awareness

22. One could describe three major aspects to this process:

23. Creating the Healing Container • Intention • Attention • Attitude Shauna Shapiro

24. Intention Brings in the motivation and presence to engage in this task Intention can include the following …

25. Intention • Planting a seed in consciousness • A deep longing, a hope for ourselves • May be short or long-term • The aspiration that we that we may be aware moment to moment … • That we find a peaceful place in ourselves • That our hearts, minds, and bodies come once again into balance • That we be healthy; that we be free

26. Attention Without attention we don’t have the focus and presence to see ourselves clearly This might mean to notice what is there, the phemonena arising, abiding and fading away…..

27. Attention The practice to biuld attention is meditation...

28. Attention When we learn to attend, to calm and focus our minds, to see what is really there, then we can be present to ourselves, to those we love, to others in suffering, and to our world in a much more effective way. But how can we learn this in an obsessive, compulsive, delusional world?

29. Shamatha • Relaxation • Stabilization • Focus Which we can learn through the practice of Mindfulness of Breathing Meditation

30. Vipassana Vipassana helps us to witness the flow of the mind by watching the arising, abiding, and fading away of sensations, emotions, thoughts, images Through this practice we learn about the nature of reality in a personal as well a universal way

31. Attitude • Includes our stance towards self, others, and the world • Attitude also refers to the healing container we create for ourselves. For healing we need warmth, care, and radical acceptance rather than coldness, objectification, and aloofness.

32. The Four Immeasurables • In Buddhist psychology there is this notion that we all, at the ground of our being, have the capacity for goodness. We can cultivate those positive attributes, like one can grow and nurture the flowers in a garden. • Those attributes are…

33. The Four Immesurables • Loving Kindness • Compassion • Sympathetic joy • Equanimity towards oneself, others, and the world Those innate capacities can be further cultivated through meditation and action. They can inform our attitude.

34. Loving- Kindness Through developing an attitude of loving-kindness, we learn to wish ourselves well on a deep and authentic level. This well-wishing then spreads out to all beings. The attitude of loving-kindness is different from superficial infatuation and attachment Its opposite is cruelty

35. Compassion Compassion is “the quivering of one’s heart in the face of another’s pain” (Sharon Salzberg) However, if one gets overwhelmed by compassion, by the impossibility to care for all suffering beings, a person might fall into despair. Therefore skillful self-care is necessary The opposite of compassion is coldness and selfishness

36. Sympathetic Joy Sympathetic joy is our capacity to be happy with another’s good luck and another’s happiness. This is not so easy as in an industrial growth society where we are often trained to be competitive with others, to amass as much material success as we can. Also, as appearance, affluence and achievement are valued very highly in our society, we often are on edge as we compare ourselves with others. The opposite to sympathetic joy is envy and closed-heartedness.

37. Equanimity Equanimity is ones attitude of warmth, clarity and evenness in the face of lives ups and downs Sometimes we mistake a detached attitude and aloofness for equanimity. The difference between true equanimity and aloofness is whether our heart is open. The opposite of equanimity is reactivity and confusion

38. Other “Immesurables”: Forgiveness Forgiveness is our ability to let an old grudge go, to not retaliate. With true forgiveness we are able to see the situation through the other person’s eyes, feel compassion for them. Forgiveness is not to be a door-mat or push-over, or to stay silent in the face of injustice. Forgiveness is not condoning or hiding wrong-doing, Yet, with true forgiveness we don’t exclude anyone from our heart.

39. Gratitude Gratitude is a spontaneous expression of the heart. Gratitude is an unconditional expression of thankfulness and appreciation for ourselves or others. In gratitude is an element of celebration of live With an unconditional sense of gratitude we transcend the notion of separateness. Instead we live the reality of all our interconnectedness and the mutual co-creation of live. The opposite of gratitude is a notion of separateness, expressed by resentment and wishing ill.

40. Generosity Generosity is another expression of an open heart. In the attitude of generosity is a notion of unconditional sharing with the benefit of another’s well-being. A stance of generosity transcends the notion of separateness and unreservedness. Again we live the reality of all our interconnectedness and mutual creation of live. The opposite of generosity is stinginess, closed-heartedness and selfishness

41. Maitri When we truly made friends with ourselves, we have the open-heartedness to include others. Then our compassion and care flows out from ourselves to those we love, and further to those we know and don’t know, to those who need help in a specific or urgent way, and ultimately includes all beings, including the nature we live in and the earth, whose guest we are.

42. Meditaton Exercise