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Developing Assertiveness

Developing Assertiveness. What is this session about?. Define passive, aggressive, & assertive behaviors Assertiveness – important life skill Handling criticism/verbal attacks in general Handling criticism/verbal attacks against your ideas Role play – group exercise Summary.

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Developing Assertiveness

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  1. Developing Assertiveness

  2. What is this session about? • Define passive, aggressive, & assertivebehaviors • Assertiveness – important life skill • Handling criticism/verbal attacks in general • Handling criticism/verbal attacks against your ideas • Role play – group exercise • Summary

  3. 3 Categories Passive – do not confront problems & people, dislike ‘rocking the boat’ Aggressive – ignores other people’s feelings, open & direct, not good at taking criticism Assertive – able to state views/opinions w/o upsetting others, ‘win-win’ situation, proactive

  4. So what exactly does assertiveness mean? It is getting your thoughts across and dealing with a situation in a straightforward manner without harming others.

  5. Why is this important? • Because it is an essential workplace skill. • Because genuinely assertive people are better to work with. They establish more effective relationships. • Technical and professional skills are highlighted by excellent interpersonal skills

  6. Traits of an assertive person • Confident in a relaxed way • Able to openly state views/opinions w/o upsetting others • Do not ignore problems – looks for ‘win-win situations’ • Proactive – looks for solutions instead of blaming others • Able to admit mistakes w/o excessive apologizing

  7. The Assertiveness Continuum of Behavior

  8. Handling criticism in general

  9. 3 assertive techniques to use for handling criticism • Fogging – this is useful if there’s some truth to the criticism or attacker is very angry • Agree with any truth in criticism “Yes I did come in late last night.”

  10. More fogging techniques • Agree with the possibility you could be wrong “Yes, I might have come in late other nights this month.” • Agree with attacker’s logic “Yes, I can understand why you think I’m selfish.”

  11. Last 2 fogging techniques • Accept attacker’s feelings “I can understand why you are feeling angry with me.” • Allow for improvement “Yes, I could get in earlier.” *By keeping calm, you control the situation.

  12. 2ndassertive technique to usefor handling criticism 2. Negative assertion – use this if you know for sure you have done something wrong. If you calmly admit mistake w/o excessive apologizing, both you and attacker can maintain dignity and anger of attacker is defused.

  13. Negative assertion techniques • Agree with criticism “Yes, I do talk too much in class.” “Yes, I am moody sometimes.” • Agree with the critic’s values “Yes, I should have worked harder.” “Yes, what I said last night was stupid.”

  14. Should I say I’m sorry? Yes but only if you really are. An insincere apology can just make the situation worse.

  15. 3rdassertive technique to use for handling criticism 3. Negative Inquiry – best to use if: • You are not sure why you are being criticized • You suspect that the criticism is not based on factual evidence • You have a strong hunch that critic is trying to manipulate you.

  16. Negative Inquiry Critic: “I think you’re really selfish.” You: Hhmm, can you give examples of how and when I’ve acted selfishly? Critic: “I’m really disappointed at your performance in this project.” You: Oh, can you tell me what I’ve done to disappoint you?

  17. What to do when your ideasget attacked This is a useful life skill. Ideas – part of our identity. Rejection of our ideas – rejection of us.

  18. Technique? Try and anticipate their attack and plan ways to allow them to save face. To allow a person to save face you must find something to agree with in their argument against your idea.

  19. 6 assertive sentences to try • Agreeing in principle: “As a general rule you’re absolutely right …” • Agree with part of their argument: “Of course you’re absolutely right that …” • Admit it is a reasonable argument: “Yes, what you are saying is very logical …”

  20. 6 assertive sentences to try 4. Appreciate their feeling: “I can totally understand why you feel that way …” 5. Raise objections as an afterthought: “Yes that seems true … but if …” 6. Show that you have anticipated that attack: “Thank you, I was hoping that someone was going to mention that …” (useful if presenting idea at meetings!)

  21. Sentence to watch out for “I don’t want to be rude but …” - simple warning that person saying it is about to be very rude/aggressive

  22. Let’s do a quick reflection exercise Write down a circumstance when you have been criticized recently: • How did you react? Which approach did you use? • What was the effect on both you & your critic when you used that approach? • Which assertivestrategies could you have used instead?

  23. Last note In most situations we have the choice to be passive, assertive, or aggressive. Being assertive is often the best choice.

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