“You Said What? Becoming Aware of the Things We Say” Ryan Skoglund

1. “You Said What? Becoming Aware of the Things We Say” Ryan Skoglund Manager, IT Analysis, Nationwide Fianacial Concept of presentation from Steven “Doc” List’s presentation at Better Software Conference June 5, 2013 Las Vegas, NV

2. Traveling to a country with another language Do you understand English? Oui! Un petit peu!

3. How often do we use language ineffectively? - At home with spouse & kids? - At work with our teams?

4. You start... • Get with a partner. • Spend two minutes talking about experiences you’ve had where ambiguous language or command and control language caused a problem/situation. • Write down one brief note each • Each person will share their partner’s example in 10 seconds or less

5. Learning Objectives • You will be able to define “qualifiers” • You will be able to define/describe “dominant language” • You will have some specific tools for clearer, more effective communication

6. Be prepared to volunteer • Throughout the remainder of this session, we will need volunteers. Please be ready to volunteer. Please. Really. • I promise! It won’t hurt. :)

7. The Power of Language

8. Collaboration • Need two volunteers • Listen to the dialog • How many words or phrases are suspect?

9. Script for Collaboration A: Have you set up the meeting? B: Not yet. You were supposed to send me the background information. A: Oh, right. You didn’t remind me. B: When did it become my job to remind you? A: Okay, okay. B: Are you ready to run the meeting? A: Yup. I’m revving up to drive them to the end!

10. Suspects A: Have you set up the meeting? B: Not yet. You were supposed tosend me the background information. A: Oh, right. You didn’t remind me. B: When did it become my job to remind you? A: Okay, okay. B: Are you ready to run the meeting? A: Yup. I’m revving up to drive them to the end!

11. Make a list • Let’s make a list of words/phrases that you hear every day that sound collaborative but are not • Let’s make a list of words/phrases that are used in a collaborative environment, but are not

12. Collaborative versus... • Wrong vs. I disagree • Bad vs. Less effective • Lazy • Sloppy • Ignorant*

13. Colloquialisms • Need two volunteers • Listen to the dialog • What will happen? • Will the task get done?

14. Script for Colloquialisms A: I need you to take this envelope and mail it. B: Gotcha. A: When you’re done, please pick up some lunch for me. B: No worries. A: After lunch, I’d like to get together and talk about the project you’re working on. B: Mmhmm A: Do you have any questions? B: It’s all good.

15. Ambiguities A: I need you to take this envelope and mail it. B: Gotcha. A: When you’re done, please pick up some lunch for me. B: No worries. A: After lunch, I’d like to get together and talk about the project you’re working on. B: Mmhmm A: Do you have any questions? B: It’s all good.

16. Behavior vs. ? • Need two volunteers • Listen to the dialog • What are the facts? • What are the assumptions?

17. Scripts for Behavior A: You didn’t say hello this morning. B: True. A: Why are you upset with me? B: Why are you always so picky? A: Wait. Are you being argumentative again? B: What do you mean “again”? A: In the meeting yesterday, you disagreed with me in front of the team. B: ARGH! You’re so sensitive!

18. Scripts for Behavior A: You didn’t say hello this morning. B: True. A: Why are you upset with me? B: Why are you always so picky? A: Wait. Are you being argumentative again? B: What do you mean “again”? A: In the meeting yesterday, you disagreed with me in front of the team. B: ARGH! You’re so sensitive!

19. Answers • Facts/Behavior • Didn’t say hello • Disagreed in the meeting • Assumptions • upset • picky • argumentative • sensitive

20. Behaviors vs. Assumptions • Observable == Behavior • Did • Said • Not observable == Assumption • Felt • Thought

21. Behavior vs. Motivation • Late vs. Disrespectful • Speaking Loudly vs. Mean, Angry,... • Crying vs. Lonely, Sad, Miserable, Frightened, Embarrassed,...

22. Qualifiers • Need two volunteers • Listen to the dialog • What words are “qualifiers”?

23. Script for Qualifiers A: We’re pretty much ready for the client meeting. B: Did you do the research? A: Yes. We sort of did a survey of their prospective customers. B: Have you written up the results of the survey? A: We kind of put together a - y’know - spreadsheet of the results. B: And a slide deck to present to them? A: Yeah, pretty much. B: Let’s go!

24. Script for Qualifiers A: We’re pretty much ready for the client meeting. B: Did you do the research? A: Yes. We sort of did a survey of their prospective customers. B: Have you written up the results of the survey? A: We kind of put together a - y’know - spreadsheet of the results. B: And a slide deck to present to them? A: Yeah, pretty much. B: Let’s go!

25. More Qualifiers • About • Around • Almost • Basically • Metaphorically • Just • Pretty much • Sort of • Kind of • y’know

26. Judgment • Need two volunteers • Listen to the dialog • What are the facts? • What are the assumptions? • What are the trigger words for making a judgment?

27. Script for Judgment A: Where should we go to dinner tonight? B: I dunno. What do you think? A: How about Smith’s Barbecue? B: That’s dumb. We went there last week. A: How about Chico’s Tacqueria? B: That sucks. The food is so greasy there. A: Okay. I give up. Where do you think we should go? B: Lame! You can’t think of more than two places to go?

28. Script for Judgment A: Where should we go to dinner tonight? B: I dunno. What do you think? A: How about Smith’s Barbecue? B: That’s dumb. We went there last week. A: How about Chico’s Tacqueria? B: That sucks. The food is so greasy there. A: Okay. I give up. Where do you think we should go? B: That’s Lame! You can’t think of more than two places to go?

29. Judgmental • Dumb • Sucks • Greasy • Lame

30. Control • Need two volunteers • Listen to the dialog • What are the facts? • What are the control-oriented words?

31. Script for Control A: I think we should have a meeting about project status. B: I agree. Who should run the meeting? A: You should run it. You can drive them to the right conclusion. B: Okay. So I’ll be in charge of the meeting, and you’ll support me. A: Yes. I’ll be your “ringer”. B: As the Project Manager, it’ll be my job to make sure that the team gets their work done. A: Yup. You’re the supervisor. I expect you’ll keep them on track and keep the project on track.

32. Script for Control A: I think we should have a meeting about project status. B: I agree. Who should run the meeting? A: You should runit. You can drivethem to the right conclusion. B: Okay. So I’ll be in charge of the meeting, and you’ll support me. A: Yes. I’ll be your “ringer”. B: As the Project Manager, it’ll be my job to make sure that the team gets their work done. A: Yup. You’re the supervisor.I expect you’ll keep them on track and keep the project on track.

33. Who Is Responsible For Effective Communication? • Deliverer of message? • Receiver of message?

34. Wrap it up! • Be aware of the words you say! • Think before you speak. • Share what you learned and what you’re going to do with it

35. Thank you!