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Christian Confrontations

Christian Confrontations. A Review of the Conflict Management Process. Conflict Management Process. Step 1: Define the Conflict is it SIN or difference of opinion?. Difference. SIN. Biblical Resolution. 2a: Individual Confrontation. 2b: Individual Confrontation. Mutual agreement.

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Christian Confrontations

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  1. Christian Confrontations

  2. A Review of the Conflict Management Process

  3. Conflict Management Process Step 1: Define the Conflictis it SIN or difference of opinion? Difference SIN Biblical Resolution 2a: Individual Confrontation 2b: Individual Confrontation Mutual agreement Repentance Repentance Mutual agreement 3b: Confrontation with witnesses Repentance 3a: Confrontation with Third-party Submission to Pastor 4b: Confrontation by the Church Repentance or be expelled 4a: Pastoral Decision 5b: Church Discipline

  4. What is a crucial conversation? And who cares? pages 1-2

  5. A conversation is crucial when . . . 1. Opinions vary 2. stakes are high 3. emotions run strong pages 1-2

  6. Conflict Management Process ...when stakes are high... ...when opinions vary... Step 1: Define the Conflictis it SIN or difference of opinion? Difference SIN Biblical Resolution 2a: Individual Confrontation 2b: Individual Confrontation Mutual agreement Repentance Repentance Mutual agreement 3b: Confrontation with witnesses Repentance 3a: Confrontation with Third-party Submission to Pastor 4b: Confrontation by the Church Repentance or be expelled 4a: Pastoral Decision ...when emotions run strong. 5b: Church Discipline It’s not enough to understand the process. We must learn to handle the conversations skillfully.

  7. Biblical Concepts Proverbs 22:11 Proverbs 13:3 Proverbs 23:15-16 Proverbs 29:20 Ephesians 4:15 James 1:19 James 2:12-13 What advantage do we have as Christians that unbelievers do not have? Matthew 12:33-37

  8. The Pool of Shared Meaning pages 21-24

  9. The Pool of Shared Meaning Opinions Opinions Opinions Feelings Feelings Feelings Theories Theories Theories Experiences Experiences Experiences Proverbs 11:14 pages 21-24 9

  10. Biblical Concepts Proverbs 15:22 “The value of shared meaning” James 1:19-20 “The value of listening” Philippians 2:1-4 “The value of Unity”

  11. Start with the Heart page 27

  12. Casting Blame Genesis 3:11-13 page 29

  13. Casting Blame Genesis 3:11-13 Matthew 7:3-5 page 29

  14. The Goal of Every Believer Opinions Opinions Feelings Feelings Theories Theories Experiences Experiences James 1:19-20

  15. The Goal of Every Believer Opinions Feelings Theories Theories Experiences

  16. Focus on what you really want pages 32-35

  17. Common Deviations / Wrong Motives 1. Wanting to win. (Matthew 5:43-44) 2. Seeking Revenge (Romans 12:18-21) 3. Hoping to remain safe (Proverbs 27:5-6) pages 35-37

  18. What do we really want, as believers? The “One anothers” of Romans Love (Romans 12:10) Respect (Romans 12:10) Honor (Romans 12:10) To live in harmony (Romans 12:16) Mutual acceptance (Romans 15:7) Mutual Instruction (Romans 15:14) Mutual Edification

  19. In a “church discipline” matter, what do we really want? Matthew 18:15-20 Galatians 6:1-6 1 Corinthians 5 1. Restoration 2. Purity of the church

  20. Learn to Look page 45

  21. How to Recognize Crucial Conversations 1. Physical Signs 2. Emotions 3. Behavioral Conduct pages 47-48

  22. James 1:19-20

  23. Silence and Violence Violence Conflict Silence pages 51-54

  24. Leviticus 19:18 2 Ways to demonstrate a lack of love 1. Seeking revenge = “Violence” = “Silence” 2. Bearing a grudge “Violence” “Silence” -Controlling -Labeling -Masking -Attacking -Avoiding -Withdrawing pages 51-54 24

  25. Biblical Love Harmony Conflict

  26. Make it Safe pages 51-54

  27. Making it Safe What do we do when it is evident that the other person does not feel safe? a. Step out of the conversation (We leave the content of the conflict) How? b. Make it safe c. Step back in (We re-join the dialogue.) Ecclesiastes 5:2-3 X pages 66-68

  28. How to Make it Safe There are 2 Essential Conditions to Safety: 1. Mutual Purpose 2. Mutual Respect Do his concerns matter to me? Is he defending his dignity? Mutual Purpose Have I expressed that they matter to me? Has he become very emotional? Is he pouting, name-calling, yelling or making threats? Does he believe they matter to me? pages 68-74

  29. Together, we attack the conflict. We do not attack the person with whom we have the conflict.

  30. Using the O.I.C.A. Method

  31. The O.I.C.A. Method O = Observation I = Interpretation C = Clarification A = Accusation

  32. The O.I.C.A. Method O = Observation -Clearly indicate what you have observed Examples: “You said you would call me, but you never did.” “You told me you couldn’t go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.”

  33. The O.I.C.A. Method I = Interpretation “You said you would call me, but you never did.” O = I = “It seems to me that you lied... that you never were going to call me.” “You told me you couldn’t go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.” O = “It seems to me that you made up that excuse... that you actually spent the whole time here in the mall.” I =

  34. The Role of Attitude I = Interpretation The temptation is to let our emotions carry us to our conclusion. However, we must convert our negative emotions (anger, fear, frustration, etc.) into CURIOSITY.

  35. The O.I.C.A. Method I = Interpretation “You said you would call me, but you never did.” O = I = “It seems to me that you lied... that you never were going to call me.” “You told me you couldn’t go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.” O = “It seems to me that you made up that excuse... that you actually spent the whole time her in the mall.” I =

  36. The O.I.C.A. Method C = Clarification O.T. Numbers 35:30 Deuteronomy 17:6 The Benefit of the Doubt N.T. Matthew 18:15-17 James 2:1-4 Compare God’s description of Job (Job 1:1 and 8) with the confrontations of Job’s ‘friends.’

  37. ACTIVITY Using the earlier examples, describe some possible clarifications for the actions of the accused person. “You said you would call me, but you never did.” O = I = “It seems to me that you lied... that you never were going to call me.” C = ??????? “You told me you couldn’t go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.” O = “It seems to me that you made up that excuse... that you actually spent the whole time here in the mall.” I = C = ???????

  38. The O.I.C.A. Method A = Accusation Matthew 18:15-17 3 steps 1. Individual Confrontation 2. Confrontation with Witnesses Witnesses of the sin or of the confrontation? 3. Confrontation by the Church Remember the 2 goals: 1. Restoration 2. Purity of the church

  39. Master my Stories page 93

  40. The O.I.C.A. Method Our observations are limited. O = Observation We fill in the details to come to an interpretation. (We tell ourselves stories). I = Interpretation Theproblem: We can’t trust these stories. C = Clarification A = Accusation

  41. The Role of our Emotions Claim 1: Emotions don’t settle on you like a fog. You and only you create your emotions. He made me mad! Action pages 94-95

  42. Galatians 5:16-26 “...the fruit of the Spirit is... self control.”

  43. The Role of our Emotions Claim 2: Once you’ve created your emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them. Influence Emotions pages 94-95

  44. 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

  45. How Feelings drive Actions See/ Hear Tell a Story Feel Act pages 98-99 pages 97-98 45

  46. Retrace your Path What story is creating these emotions? Am I in some sort of silence or violence? See/ Hear Tell a Story Feel Act What emotions are encouraging me to act this way? What evidence do I have to support this story? page 102 46

  47. How to tell yourself accurate stories 1. Distinguish between fact and story. 2. Tell yourself alternate stories. -Ask yourself, “Why would a reasonable person do what he did?” 3. Give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment. 4. Use the O.I.C.A. method to investigate further. Negative emotions will turn into CURIOSITY.

  48. State my Path page 119

  49. The O.I.C.A. Method O = Observation I = Interpretation C = Clarification A = Accusation

  50. Sharing Risky Meaning Speaking Say Nothing Speak the Truth Little Love Little Love Love / Respect Say Nothing Speak the Truth Much Love Much Love pages 120-121

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