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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to navigate the pains and pitfalls She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no reply. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal plan." The meal plan, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with guys merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my internet dating, however, I realized that this was really a response for what men do to women. There are three significant levers in our lives which, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I stopped the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You are going to kick on online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process."

2. In this blog post I will take you through the whole process I chose to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can not only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may have to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that mad, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these strategies as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating trip (and answer listener questions). The complete most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've found is that both men and women that are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating website. Basically, in order to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photo until a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are plenty of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy

3. So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a girl to swipe right in their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your fault. I have seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans until their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. For instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it's good to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I had been dating the perfect folks. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it is projected that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there is a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If a person is coming online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to test is your profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way...

4. One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first image was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on each profile, but I put up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could get a large enough sample size and make certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film that I did not read into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mineso I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I actually enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super simple optimization that may seem like a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can really ask your matches what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself" Now, part of this error may be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea.

5. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to understand that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up shirt, for instance, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with following convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that guy. I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signs is great, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not need to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter.

6. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of enhancing your online dating profile. There's no right answer, but there are definitely some incorrect answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is having a very clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you don't want men messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the person who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you are producing the content for. By way of example, if I went up to a girl at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make sure that it is quintessentially you.

7. The Intro Paragraph Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of color and perhaps some talking points that you two can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I like and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am sure there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those people in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially need the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of women who have matched with a guy who they really enjoy, but the guy never

8. messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they do not want to seem desperate. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The beauty of dating programs is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your initial conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it is a very unnatural way of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that when you take millions of people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it is a good idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to determine if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a good opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! How's it going?" How was your weekend?" (or some other variation of the sort of question). D) "Hey! How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile)

9. I will allow you to think about it for a second. (I'll add some space before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, such as a picture or a place in their own pictures. The reason why I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I'm currently reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and moved past a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternative version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I will put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends

10. have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then make sure that you ask the man about things he's interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a lot more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Attempt to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that procuring the date is just half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But first a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was totally new to dating so I was

11. only following what I had seen in movies. Most of them didn't go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was totally mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously. It was not I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. Therefore, if we're getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I had been holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the ground like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope finally stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I started carrying my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a great

12. date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is changing so you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be certain it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same places like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template which simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you are a guy) you have to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the shore, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night at the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a girl did not like science and facts it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show

13. These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to search for on every date as you attempt to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for great conversation. Be certain that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that isn't too difficult. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it's time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it ought to confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the connection. By way of example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right maybe among the most crucial pieces of the online dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the relationship sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. The important thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. To be able to make sure I do not waste all my time with internet conversations I found it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing that I noticed is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week then?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed.

14. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting a lot of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you aren't ready to date at this time. I had a woman tell me this and it was the simplest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself too). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you find someone who you want to be with really badly, don't scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively attempt to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific proof for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more Great post to read effort into relationships when there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, ironically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating I found worked fairly well was the following:

15. Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's vital to have a system in place to assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less extreme rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important thing to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world-class investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A means of doing that is by going on dates which aren't just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, regardless of how well I did all of the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal plan being just one of several. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on yourself, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more people can find it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, listen to our podcast where you can submit

16. your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.