PC Nuts and Bolts - II

1. PC Nuts and Bolts - II Columbus AFCC September 28, 2007 Matthew J. Sullivan, Ph.D. www.californiaparentcoordinator.com

2. Coparenting and the PC Process

3. Structural Transition from Nuclear to Binuclear • Adequate functioning in each subsystem • Adequate functioning between subsystems • An appropriate Parenting Plan • Defines timeshare, coparenting structure, etc.

4. Coparenting after divorce • Collaborative - accurate perceptions, child-focused,supportive of parenting, ability to communicate, give and take • Conflicted - distortion, projections, anger, “in the name of the child”, poor communication, breakdown in parental hierarchy, executive functioning • Schism/Skew

5. Level LOW of Coparenting types

6. Parallel Parenting • Kelly, J.B. (March, 2007 Family Process) • “Cooperative coparenting promotes resiliency in children because of the parents ability to resolve differences on their own or with mediators or therapists as they arise. It has been reported that children whose parents engage in conflict-free parallel parenting also appear to thrive, as long as they have adequate parenting in both homes and well articulated parenting agreements and orders specifying contact and when joint decision-making is required will occur” • The PC as “interface” • Handout “ parallel parenting plans”

7. The tragic legacy of the Litigation Context • Litigants don’t make good coparents • Representation - advocacy • Distrust • Sabotage • Win/lose • Chaos • Unilateral action • In the name of the child • Focus on the problem being the other parent -advesaries • Depleted resources - financial,emotional

9. Coparent training in the PC Process • Clear demarcation of new ADR process • Let go of the legal/adversarial process • The rules are changing • You don’t have to work with the other parent, just with the PC and the rules • Disengagement with the coparent, moving towards functional engagement • Manageability, protection

11. Object Relations in the PC Process • Countertransference in the PC • Punitive, Withdraw, overwhelmed (caught like the child) • Expectation and “tolerance” of bad behavior

12. Management of O-R dynamics • Building an overarching reality from the polarized partial/distorted perspectives (Johnston). This is the Holding Environment • Recognition and management of vulnerabilities • “Sorting” perspectives • Parents will enact these dynamics with you • Clear relationship rules are critical

13. Boundaries • Two ways to get into trouble with boundaries: • Faulty Rules • Failure to maintain Boundaries

14. Faulty Rules • Explicit, detailed policies and procedures as a tool for setting appropriate boundaries. The rules of the relationship. • Slippage do to your stuff and/or the client’s stuff becomes evident when you rules are violated

15. Failure to Maintain boundaries • Challenges come in two ways • Pulls - idealization, need, money, celebrity • More seductive, gratifying • Pushes - devaluation, Demand, threat, criticism, questioning • Hard to stand up to

16. Limit setting, training the clients • What behavioral theory tells us • Clearly defined expectations of behavior • Consistent response • Timely response • Compassionate firmness • Depersonalize • Consequence fits the violation

17. Disengagement: Structuring Coparenting in H-C situations • The PC is the interface between the parents - • Titrating the communication/contact so that it is functional and manageable • Face to face meetings - structure • Telephone conference calls • Email - timely, can control receipt, response, documented • Fax, letter • No contact, except through PC

20. Disengagement using PP • Crafting the Parenting Plan • Handout “Parenting Plan Musts” • Handout “Sample Parenting Plan Provisions • Implementing the Parenting Plan • The devil is in the details, conflict breeds in the grey areas • Training in using “our” constitution

21. Nuts and Bolts of the PC process

22. Never Commence work until you have • A signed court order = Authority • Fees/retainer = money • Signed PC agreement = Protection

23. The stipulation and order appointing SM/PC • The stip which defines the parameters of your role must reflect the procedural necessities of the role. • Access to information (therapists, documents) • Contract formation can be a strategic dance, push back. • Relationship rules formed early • Brief review of the Stipulation and Order appointing SM/PC

24. A signed Court Order • This is your constitution • Is it detailed, are you being set-up • don’t allow big issues to be deferred to the SM (e.g. timeshare issues, school, etc.)

25. Fees and Retainer • The O-R dynamics/boundary issues will be played out in the money relationship • Clear structure - set the boundaries, maintain them • Don’t get into a position where the fees are exhausted • Particularly by one parent

26. Documentation • Your file - what goes in it/organization • Letters “This letter documents the agreements/decisions that have come from our meeting of 12/12/06. Please review this documentation for accuracy and inform me immediately, if you have questions or concerns. In the absence of modification, based on your feedback, you have agreed to follow the directives contained in this letter unless modified in the Parent Coordination process or by further order of the court.”

27. Documentation (cont) • Decisions/awards/Orders • Handout “Documentation” • Who do you send letters to? • Communication procedures

28. Ongoing Work • Working on the Parenting Plan • This is a collaborative, highly structured process, using this to assess and build the structure of functional coparenting, psychoeducate (child-focus, give and take, businesslike, up front sanctions, planning) • Handout “Sample order for Parenting Plans

29. Ongoing Work • Developing the schedule • Where is Johnny every hour of every day • Calendar, working through • Again, reinforcing coparenting - planning (September/March meetings), organization(bringing the info you need), documentation, give and take (building trust) • Gradual turning over - symbolic presence • Do it, set up protocol, narrow issues for PC

30. Resolving Issues • Types of Issues • Violation of Court Orders • Avoid adjudication, anticipate issues, depersonalize • Behavioral theory at work • Sanctions • Issues that come up • Reasonable, fair, child-focused, does it fall into a larger set of issues (special events - can we create a protocol

31. Types of Issues (Continued) • Parenting Issues • Boundaries are important, developing tolerance, psychoeducational approach, educating eachother, but not controlling (disengage) - diet, routines, homework, clothes • Larger Issues • Push beyond the boundaries of the order? • Evaluation and judge? • Changing timeshare significantly, move away, school • Document, document, document • Supervise and evaluation process

32. The Dispute Resolution Process • Settlement processes • Not mediation • Tension between turning to eachother and turning to you • Bargaining in the shadow of the law (Mnookin), negotiation, holding the tension, tipping the balance (weighing in), aligning with the “good parent/coparent” and the “needs of the child”, reinforcing desire to align with you

33. Case Management • The Coordination Role • Specific Goals: Supervised visitation, substance abuse, domestic violence, special issues (health, education), alienation/estrangement • Treatment plans: initiation, support and monitoring and coordination • Professionals and non-professionals who are involved with the family: caught in the middle of conflict (alignment, withdrawal)

34. The Collaborative Team • The evaluator • Attorneys • Mental health professionals • Child therapists, parent therapists • Other professionals • Physicians, nannies, teachers, coaches, tutors • Extended family/significant others

36. Collaborative Teams • PC is organizer/leader • Parameters in place to protect team • Confidentiality, releases, control of information • Goals and specific plans, coordinating, monitoring, modifying • Collaborative system around family • Professional loyalty/client loyalty • Team’s involvement in coparenting issues • Protecting the therapeutic relationship