10) Make it or Break it_ Dealing with Conflict In Romantic Relationships

1. What are the 4 Horsemen (of the Apocalypse)? Source: Urban Wellness Counselling - Instagram Conflict is unavoidable in relationships. It is normal and healthy to fight with your partner sometimes. The goal is not to stop and prevent all conflict but instead how

2. we can effectively manage or deal with conflict. The 4 Horsemen refers to negative verbal and non-verbal communication patterns found in romantic relationships. These patterns can significantly influence the dynamic and outcome of the relationship therapy. This model was developed by Dr. John Gottman. The Four Horsemen are: 1)Criticism 2)Contempt 3)Defensiveness 4)Stonewalling Their combined effect of these ‘horsemen’ lead to increased negativity, hostility, and the likelihood of relationship breakdown Read below for more information about each one and possible antidotes or solutions. Criticism According to Gottman, criticism is fundamentally different than complaining. A complaint is towards a situation. In contrast, criticism is attacking the other person’s character. Instead of focusing on the specific problem causing frustration, it puts complete blame on the other person. Not just something they did, but who they are. Examples: ●You never listen to me. You always forget to do things. You are a mess Solution: Take the blame off your partner. Understand exactly why you're upset. It can be a specific action your partner did or something they said. Avoid making broad statements or using words such as “always” or “never”. Keep in mind that the focus is not something inherent in your partner. Talk about your feelings.

3. Explore how the situation makes you feel. Expressing your emotions can be difficult as it takes a willingness to be vulnerable. Using I statements, addressing your feelings, the situation, and your needs. Be as specific as possible. ○Ex. I feel [emotion] when [situation]. [I need/want] [request] ○I feel frustrated when the trash bin is full. Can you help me empty it? Contempt Contempt takes it further than criticism. When we express contempt, we take a position of moral superiority (I am better). Contempt can be a result of an accumulation of negative thoughts and emotions towards your partner. Contempt often does not allow the opportunity to make amends or resolve conflict. Signs of contempt ●Being mean and disrespectful ●mocking, sarcasm, ridiculing ●eye-rolling, scoffing Contempt at its extreme can be indicative of verbal abuse. Examples: ●“How would you like it if I did that to you?” ●“I’d never do that to you!” ●“No one would do that!” Solutions: Express empathy and understanding Consider your partner's perspective. Understand where they’re coming from. ●“I understand that you have been busy with work, so you don’t have much time to clean.” Make respectful, reasonable requests. ●“Could you help me by taking out the trash?” Intentional and consistent appreciation Remember to compliment and praise your partner whenever possible. Appreciate them and show your gratitude. ●“I appreciate it!”

4. Defensiveness Defensiveness is a reaction to criticism and contempt. When we become defensive, we attempt to deny responsibility and deflect the blame back onto our partner. Those who are defensive are likely to engage in self-victimization (I am worst off). Defensiveness is a counter-attack that can greatly escalate the conflict. Solutions: ●Be aware of your part in the conflict. Conflict is rarely one person’s fault. It takes two to fight. Take responsibility for your part of the conflict. ●Work towards a compromise It is okay if you do not come to a total agreement. No one needs to be right or wrong. Try to meet someone in-between, where both sides can be happy. Stonewalling Stonewalling is a result of becoming psychology services calgary or mentally overwhelmed. As you feel threatened, it is an attempt to create space, physically or emotionally, to avoid conflict. Signs of Stonewalling: ●Stops talking ●“Silent treatments.” ●Disengage in conversation ●Appearing busy ●Distracts with destructive or obsessive behaviours Stonewalling can lead to “bottling up emotions,” resulting in explosive outbursts later on if left unattended. Solution: Take a break from the conflict. If you feel overwhelmed, take a break. Leave the environment if possible. During this time, do not think about the fight. Do not try to analyze the situation and figure out who is to blame. Spend at least 20 minutes alone to self-soothe and get grounded. Examples: Going of a walk Reading a book Listen to some music.

5. Exercise When you are ready, you can revisit and discuss the conflict. For more information about this or other topics related to couples, check out http://www.gottman.com/