Professional Development Seminars In Dignity:

1. Professional Development Seminars In Dignity: Addressing “Bullying” and Interpersonal Violence with Response-Based Practice Cathy Richardson & Allan Wade April 7 & 8, 2014 “A drop of longing says as much about the human spirit as a grand gesture of love or defiance”. Rilke and Wade

2. Centre for Response-Based Practice • www.responsebasedpractice.com • Individual, family, group counseling • Supervision, consultation with staff in diverse organizations • Research • Violence and language: Professional and public discourse • Social responses • Family law and domestic violence • Consulting • Communities developing socially just responses to violence • Legal counsel: Review/evaluation of “custody and access” reports • Expert Panel on Family Law and Domestic Violence • Projects • “Islands of Safety”: Child protection model/intervention • “Together for Justice”: RCMP and Indigenous Yukon women

3. Charlene: “Residential school” Joe: “Armed robbery and racism”

4. Dignity and Resistance Understanding Responses to Violence and Oppression

5. Karin (15) Carolina: Can I ask in those situations when you were scared and felt like something was wrong, did you feel like you could do something then? Karin: No, that was the thing. I was so little and had so many feelings. Sometimes I could say to daddy, please dad please be quiet, don’t be bothered by what mummy says. I played along with him for a while and played along with him and thought this will help and pretended that mummy was the one who was sick. So I said that if you could only be quiet don’t be bothered by what she is saying you know she is wrong (pause) so be quiet and go outside and be angry.

6. Eric (8) is describing a scene where his father was acting aggressively. E: He said bad things. I was sad. T: I can understand that. E: I hid in the bathroom. T: You did? E: And Daddy came and knocked, bash, bash, bash. T: On the door? E: Yes. And I hid in the bathroom. T: That was clever of you. You were brave to run and hide. E: Thank you! Thank you very much.

7. Lotta(9) Margareta: Have things been okay at home? Lotta: Yes, but then yesterday mum and dad started fighting about something, but I just closed my ears. Margareta: What do you do when you close your ears? Do you use something to put in your ears? Lotta: No, I try not to care or try to talk to them about something else. Then I listen to really loud music so they’ll get angry at me instead.

8. Dignity: “A Social Emotion” Vaclav Havel Something of that early self-awareness probably stayed with me: My bourgeois background . . . awakened (or, more exactly, strengthened) within me something like a social emotion, an antagonism toward undeserved privileges, toward unjust social barriers, toward any kind of so-called higher standing predetermined by birth or by anything else, toward any humiliation of human dignity. (p. 7) I've always understood my mission to be to speak the truth . . . to warn rather than hand out prescriptions for change (p. 8) . . . to nourish the plurality of social association from below. (p. 21).

9. Nelson Mandela I learned my lesson one day from an unruly donkey. We had been taking turns climbing up and down on its back and when my chance came I jumped on and the donkey bolted into a nearby thorn bush. It bent its head, trying to unseat me, which it did, but not before the thorns had pricked and scratched my face, embarrassing me in front of my friends. Like the people of the East, Africans have a highly developed sense of dignity, or what the Chinese call "face". I had lost face among my friends. Even though it was a donkey that unseated me, I learned that to humiliate another person is to make him suffer an unnecessarily cruel fate. Even as a boy, I defeated my opponents without dishonouring them. (1994, p. 11-12)

10. What is dignity? • Respect/worth: Self-respect & respect from others. - “self-esteem/worth” and “social esteem/worth” - inclusion, competence • Self-sovereignty/control: Autonomy, freedom, identity - in extreme situations (prisoners, patients) • Physical and psychological integrity (wholeness) • The ability to care for others, especially loved ones • A sense of efficacy, agency, ability to “make a difference” • An inherent quality of the personin spiritual and social justice terms

11. Dignity and Social Life • Social life is organized largely around the according and preserving of dignity (face). • Affronts to dignity create immediate social “problems” that participants work to repair. • Humiliation requires “just redress”. Failure to supply “just redress” leaves an open social wound. • Dignity is central to individual and collective well-being.

12. Micro-practices of dignity in social interaction • Courtesy, politeness, embedded commands • Deference to social station (e.g., elders, leaders/roles) • Responses to failed jokes • Micro-politics of the accidental fart • Advice-design and receipt

13. Dignity and Resistance • For many victims, humiliation is the primary affront, the most lasting and painful injury “The bruises go away but you never forget what he said to you.” “He got my body but he didn’t get me.” • Responses and resistance are often oriented to preserving, asserting dignity • The violence may be only the first in a series of indignities delivered through social responses • Our central task, whatever else we do, is to acknowledge the dignity to the victim

14. Counselling session with young Maori man (17) He was sleeping in a garage sleepout when the Police forced the door open (with a police dog) and arrested him in front of his girlfriend at 2:00 in the morning. C. You seem upset. B. Crying – “They shouldn’t have done this to me”. I can’t sleep at night thinking about it. Last night my grandfather (his guardian) asked me to sleep with him, but it didn’t help. C. Can we talk about what happened? B. They treated me like shit. They dragged me out onto the street in my underpants. They handcuffed me – my arms behind my back. They stood me there for over an hour. The cuffs cut my wrists. When they dragged me out onto the street, my knees and legs got cut on something and bled a lot. C. Wow, that sounds really bad.

15. B. They need to apologise to me. They need to come to school and stand in front of the whole school in their underpants and say sorry. C. Can you tell me more about what happened? B. They took away my mana. In the old days, my family would have killed them and eaten them to get our mana back. C. Can you tell me more about the old ways? B. I am a good person. You can ask anyone. My grandparents are spiritual people. Our Iwi are spiritual people. C. Did this spirituality help you the other night? B. Yes. I know this about us. I did not resist. I fainted once, but for the rest of the time I stood there.

16. C. Did you talk to them? • B. Yes, but they did not listen. They just want me to say that I had done it. • C. What was that? • B. That I had stolen an i-pod from a car earlier that night. They asked me if I had an i-pod and I told them I did but it was mine bought with money I had earned. • That was a good answer. What else did you say? • B. There were five constables there and lots of cars. I asked to talk to a Sargent, but they just laughed at me. • C. Good on you for asking that. • B. Yes, I know that I needed to talk to someone in authority.

17. C. What else happened? B. Well, I asked if I could put my pants on after about 40minutes. My girlfriend brought my pants out and they took my handcuffs off. I thought they would leave them off, but they just put them on in front and then made me put my pants on with cuffed hands. It was really difficult and I felt humiliated. C. But you mangaged it? B. Yes, I got my pants on. C. Well done you. It was great that you managed that. B. Finally a Police car came with a witness in it, who told them they had the wrong person. The cop on the street just did a throat cut movement and they took the cuffs off and left. It seems the dogs had picked up the wrong smell and tracked me by mistake. C. What did you do?

18. B. I went to my grandparents who had arrived. My grandfather would have collapsed if he had seen me handcuffed. I wanted to make sure he was OK and that he could see I was OK. C. That’s wonderful that, and given all that had happened to you, you still thought and cared for your grandparents. Pause C. What would be helpful to you now? Would having a Kaumatua pray with you help? B. Yes. Yes that would be good. I could get Papa Hemi to do Karakia with me. He knows about the old ways. He knows about healing.

19. Amanda Todd (2012) Hello, I’ve decided to tell you about my never ending story, In 7th grade I would go with my friends on webcam, Meet and talk to new people, Then I got called stunning, beautiful, perfect, etc., Then wanted me to flash, So I did…A year later… I got a msg on facebook, From him…Don’t know how he knew me… It said…If you don’t put on a show for me I will show ur boobs He knew my address, school, relatives, friends, family names, Christmas break…. Knock at my door at 4 am… It was the police…My photo was sent to everyone. Then I got really sick and got… Anxiety, major depression and panic disorder I then moved and got into Drugs and Alcohol

20. My anxiety got worse…I couldn’t go out A year past and the guy came back with my new List of friends and school, but made a new facebook page My boobs were his profile pic… Cried every night, lost all my friends and respect People had for me…again… Then nobody liked me Name calling, judged… I can never get that photo back It’s out there forever I started cutting… I promised myself never again… Didn’t have any friends and I sat at lunch alone Everything was better even though I still sat alone At lunch in the library everyday

21. [I got with a guy who I was nice to me] He hooked up with me…. I thought he liked me… 1 week later I get a text get out of your school… His girlfriend and 15 others came including himself… The girl and 2 others just said look around nobody likes you In front of my new school (50) people A guy than yelled just punch her already So she did…she threw me to the ground and punched me several times Kids filmed it. I was all alone and left on the ground. I felt like a joke in this world. I thought nobody deserves this I was alone…I lied and said it was my fault and my idea I didn’t want him getting hurt, I thought he really liked me But he just wanted the sex. Someone yelled punch her already Teachers ran over but I just went and laid in a ditch and my dad found me I wanted to die so bad…When he brought me home I drank bleach It killed me inside and I thought I was gonna actually die Ambulance came and brought me to the hospital and flushed me After I got home all I saw was on facebook: -She deserved it. Did you wash the mud out of your hair?-I hope she’s dead.

22. 6 months has gone by. People are posting pictures of bleach, Clorox and ditches Tagging me…I was doing a lot better too…they said… She should try a different bleach. I hope she dies this time and isn’t so stupid They said I hope she sees this and kills herself… Why do I get this? I messed up but why follow me I left your guys city…I’m constantly crying now Everyday I think why am I still here? My anxiety is horrible now…I never went out this summer All from my past…life’s never getting better…I can’t go to school Meet or be with people…constantly cutting. I’m really depressed. I’m on anti depressants now and counselling and a month ago this summer I overdosed…In hospital for 2 days… I’m stuck…what’s left of me now…nothing stops I have nobody I need someone My name is Amanda Todd

26. Decisive and Dignified Responses to Social Aggression by Children/Youth • Safety First: • Stop the aggression • The effectiveness of all interventions increases with swift and decisive social responses. • Obtain Accurate Descriptions: • Who is doing what to whom? • Avoid mutualizing.

27. Improving Social Responses to Children/Youth • Decisive and dignified interventions to create safety • Response-Based Practice with aggressors and targeted children/youth. • Individual, family, group of youth, aggressor and target • Cultural inclusion: Elders involved on regular basis. Roles, genealogy, histories of resistance. • Whole class solution-focused approach: Sue Young • With whole classes and with teaching staffs • Restorative approaches • What is being restored? Is targeted youth safe, free of coercion? • Is unilateral nature preserved? Is a clear analysis involved? • “Bystander” approach • How do “bystanders” already intervene? • Addressing prejudice, hatred • Support for pro-LGBIT, anti-racists, ability-rights, activism

28. Sue Young, England A “whole class” solution-focused approach to (not “anti-bullying”) but “promoting safe and friendly schools”. Describing the preferred future. Imagine you visit a school tomorrow . . . What would tell you it was a friendly, supportive and safe community, a 10? Each person in turn, shares one idea each ● The first thing I would notice that would tell me this is a friendly school is.. . ● Another thing I would see in a supportive school is... Make a list. Keep going! sue@young.karoo.co.uk

29. Working with class groups ● Outcomes for projects report schools as a whole, rather than classes ● Some evidence to suggest this is misleading ● The difference in bullying may be as large between classes in schools as between schools ● Recent meta-analysis (Wong) suggested that class work is more important than whole school policies

30. SF anti-bullying discussions ● Describing the preferred future: ● How do they want the class to be? ● Recognisingthe successful past: What have you done well today? ● Appreciating existing strengths: ● Complimenting, appreciating each other ● Doing more of what works: ● If you are even better next time, what will be different? 

31. The government in England recommends all schools have an “Anti-Bullying Week” ● How about “Friendship Week” instead! In pairs . . . make a list of ideas, that you could do next week... the smallest things you could do, to promote a friendly atmosphere in class/school.

32. Anti-bullying ● Not just a preventive activity ● Focus on how the school community wants to be ... articulate it, live it and teach it. ● A proactive friendly and supportive ethos reduces bullying in schools, not strategies to solve it !

33. Assumptions: ● School staff know best how they want their school to be. ● School staff have all the skills and strengths they need to make their school more like they want it to be. ● Outside experts need to get a lot better at appreciating what they do and helping them do it !

34. Social Responses Complete and accurate descriptions are the best foundation for developing effective responses to social problems. This is especially true in cases of violence because of the danger and deception that is so often involved.

35. Social Responses to Victims and Offenders How family, friends, professionals, and larger society (media, police, child protection, courts) respond when violence is disclosed. A majority of victims report receiving negative social responses Examples: What does “positive” and “negative” mean? Family Friends Police Court Child protection Marginalized, disadvantaged people are more likely to receive negative social responses: LGBTQ, Aboriginal, Refugee, Disabled The quality of social responses may be the best single predictor of the level of victim distress

36. Victims’ Responses to Social Responses Victims respond physically (epigenetically, hormonally), emotionally, mentally, socially, spiritually – to positive and negative social responses Victims who receive POSITIVE social responses: - tend to recover more quickly and fully - are more likely to work with authorities - are more likely to report violence in future Victims who receive NEGATIVE social responses: - less likely to cooperate with authorities - less likely to disclose violence again - more likely to receive diagnosis of mental disorder

37. Response-Based Contextual Analysis Allan Wade (2014 Social Material Conditions Responses to Social Responses Situation Interaction Social Responses Offender Actions Victim Responses Resistance

38. Violence is deliberate (with rare exceptions) • Offenders anticipate and work to suppress victim resistance • Bank robberies • Purse snatching • Biker hangouts • Child violation • Bullying, social cruelty • Workplace harassment • Offenders exercise control and strategy even in “explosive” attacks • In domestic and family violence, there is typically a history of skilled and sensitive and respectful behaviour before the offender begins to abuse. • Offenders work to manage social responses

39. Implications/Observations • Youth already know how to be respectful, non-violent • O’Connor: Men are more involved in reflecting on their actions and responsibility than is usually presumed • Todd: Boys/men speak two languages, the language of effects and the language of responses • The question is not, “Why are men/people violent?”. The better question is: “In what circumstances are people more likely to choose violence?” • Youth experiencing violence elsewhere are more likely to commit aggression at school, in community.

40. Children/youth who use aggression are often seen as: • “out of control” • lacking in skill • disordered • victims • Instead, what if children/youth already possess awareness and skill? • Find evidence of deliberation, awareness, skill, control: • Home, sports, friendships, work, class • In the strategies of aggression • In desisting aggression, some of the time • With safe adults providing positive social responses • Once safety is established: • Enquire about experience with aggression, loss – at home, etc. • Focus on their responses and resistance • Identify pre-existing capacities

41. From “The Cycle Theory of Violence” Generally, she realizes that his battering behaviour is out of control and that he will not respond to reason. (Walker, 1979, p. 62) The batterer ends up not understanding what happened. His rage is so great that it blinds his control over his behaviour. He starts out wanting to teach the woman a lesson, not intending to inflict any particular injury on her, and stops when he feels she has learned her lesson. (Walker, 1979, p. 60)

42. The batterer, spurred on by her apparent passive acceptance of his abusive behaviour, does not try to control himself. (Walker, 1979, p. 57) During the first stage, minor verbal abuse, the woman tries to calm the abuser and often changes her lifestyle to avoid angering the man. This usually sets a precedent of submissiveness by the women building the gateway to future abuse. The second stage consists of an “uncontrollable discharge of tensions that have been built up during phase one. Ciraco, 2001, p. 169) Boththe batterer and the battered woman fear they cannot survive alone, and so continue to maintain a bizarre symbiotic relationship [and] cannot extricate themselves. (Walker, 179, p. 43)

43. “Self-correction is better than correction by others”. Nick Todd (2000)

44. Finding Control, Deliberation: Example 1 A man gave a long and agitated description of how his wife “pushed his buttons” and how he “lost it”. In the middle of the description, he said that he broke through her patio door with a hammer and “headed for her bedroom . . . just seeing red”. T: “So, just a second, can I just ask you . . . after you broke the window, what did you do with the hammer?” C: “Oh, I put it down. You don’t think I’m going into her bedroom with a hammer in my hand. I’m not frikkin’ stupid”. T: “Okay . . .well . . . that was very deliberate of you . . . to put down the hammer. How did you manage that?”

45. Reflexive Frame Breaks: Problematizing Responsibility C: She accepted this guy's phone number and I got really pissed off. Like, that's wrong, it’s just really wrong. And she never told me about kissing this guy until we moved out here. And it was like, you know, I have a very hard time trusting women. I have yet to have a woman that's . . . and . . . it’s my own fault, maybe its because of me . . . . But, you know, I've yet to have a womanremain loyal. T: What's got you thinking, maybe I had a hand in this, maybe it’s my own fault? C: Because . . . I feel I push them away. I force them away.

46. Problematizing Responsibility cont’d T: How? C: By being angry, being jealous. I'm a very jealous person. T: So you've been thinking over this problem, where the trust doesn't seem to be there, like, "I'm wondering if my anger . . . .” C: Yeah, I think it's got a lot to do with it. I push them away. I pushed Sue awaybecause I can't just let them just go and do what they want. I have a hard time. I want . . . you know, I don't want to be a push-over . . . but I don't want to be . . . as aggressive as I have been.

47. Alternatives to Responsibilization: Example 1 A 15 year old boy in a residential program for “acting-out youth” “trashes the room”, throwing furniture. A chair breaks a window. Later, the boy is willing to take responsibility for breaking furniture and for dealing with his anger inappropriately but insists that breaking the window was “an accident”. Responsibilizing: “Don’t you think that since you threw the chair you should take responsibility for the window breaking?” Alternative: “So if you had broken the window on purpose that would not be good. Why do you think that breaking things on purpose is not good?”

48. From the language of effects . . . . . . to the language of responses.

49. Kick a rock or kick a person • If you kick a rock . . . • If you kick a person . . .

50. The “effects” and “responses” game • A house cat • An armed robbery • A child’s experience of his parents’ divorce