How modern society disconnects us from our youth, and what we must do about it Conversations at the Royal, Thu, Mar 21,

1. How modern society disconnects us from our youth, and what we must do about it Conversations at the Royal, Thu, Mar 21, 2013 7-7:40 pm talk | 7:40-8 pm questions Dr. Michael Cheng | Dr. Marjorie Robb Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO)

2. This is a general discussion about mental health It is not to be interpreted as specific advice in a specific situation Every situation is unique and requires advice to be tailored and adapted to that situation If you are looking for advice about a specific situation or child/youth with mental health issues, speak with a health professional! Disclaimer

3. By the end of this presentation, participants will be aware that: Strong attachments/connections are necessary (but not necessarily sufficient) for mental health and resiliency Modern society weakens attachments between children/youth and adults, which contributes to mental health and behavioural problems What we can do as parents, professionals and society to (re)build our attachments with our children/youth Learning Objectives

4. Britney’s Story • Background • 17-yo female who is having thoughts of suicide • Living with her mother; parents separated; no contact with father • Gr. 12 student • Current resources • Seeing a therapist once weekly for 2-months with no improvement • Symptoms • Depressed for past few months • Triggering stress • Boyfriend (of past year) broke up with her

5. Today’s youth are struggling… • Mental health issues (e.g. depression, anxiety, suicide rates up 3-4X since 1960’s) • Behaviour problems (e.g. bullying, drug use) -- youth crime up 300% since the 60’s • Narcissism and lack of empathy (Twenge, 2011)

6. DepressionAnxietySuicideBehaviour problemsWhy are today’s youth so vulnerable?

7. Q. Why do young children tend to be happier than older children?

8. A. Young children are happy because if all goes well, all their needs are met… Its easier with young children! • Possible needs… • Hug? • Reassurance? • Food? • Nap? • Diaper change?

9. When you consistently meet achild’s needs Emotional security View of world: “World is a safe place… I can trust others…” View of self: “I feel better, thus I am competent…” Ainsworth; Bowlby

10. Attachment is the single most important ‘resiliency’ factor for mental health • Resiliency • Ability to overcome adversity is known as “resiliency” • Not everyone exposed to stresses develops problems; many in fact, will thrive… • Secure attachments to caregivers and nurturing adults are the most important source of resilience (Bowlby, 1940; Ainsworth, 1979; Schore, 2001; Neufeld, 2004)

11. Q. What happens to parent-child attachments as children get older?A. They often weaken…. Young child Teenager

12. If our children/youth are turning away from parents, to whom are they turning instead?

13. Peers Technologyand Things Parent Child Peers, technology, and material things Neufeld, 2005

14. Q. Why is it a problem for children/youth to turn to peers, technology and material things as their primary attachments?

15. A. Peers / things cannot meet your core emotional needs… • Peers /things are conditional • Friendships come and go / peers are still maturing and changing / Your BFF one day can be your worst enemy the next… • Only parents are unconditional • Only parents can reliably provide emotional support, acceptance and validation

16. Normal vs abnormal peer orientation… • Some peer orientation is normal. • Friends and social skills are good • But when a teen’s mental health is dependent on their peers, and when a child’s moods and suicidal ideation hinges upon relationships with peers, then this is a problem…

17. Orchid children are particularly vulnerable… • Most people are dandelions • Able to take root and survive almost anywhere. • Some people are orchids • More vulnerable than the dandelions • Fragile and needing special care • But capable of blooming spectacularly if given that special care!

18. Britney’s Story My boyfriend was the only one who understood me… Now that we’re not together anymore, I feel so alone… I have no one to talk to…

19. Why do today's young people turn away from parents as they get older?

20. Q. Back in the old days, what did kids learn about parents from these shows?

21. VIDEO CLIP: MODERN TELEVISION SHOW

22. A. Popular media - What is the message about parents?

23. Media helps push our kids away... • Today’s kids (either your kids or your kids’ peers) spend several hours a day on average in front of a TV, or other screens • Media messages are that • Parents are lame • The secret to happiness and success is having friends, and turning to your peers

24. B. Decreased “expert” role: Where do young people turn if they want to find something out?

25. Q. A child is playing ball with a parent. Who is going to be more competent at it?

26. A. The parent and thus the child learns that parents are competent and to look up to parents… In traditional societies, the young learn from and thus respect their elders… (But not so in modern ones!) Margaret Mead, 1956

27. VIDEO CLIP: MODERN TELEVISION SHOW

28. Q. In today’s technology obsessed world, who is better with modern technology, our 1) children or 2) parents?

29. A. Our children know more about the technology than we do, which makes them think they are superior… Boy, I hate these video games! Boy, my dad is terrible!

30. Economic Factors: Housing costs 2-3X more than in the 1970s – 40% of Canadian couples divorce… thus both parents work outside the home.. Q. So who are the kids hanging out with when both parents are working outside the home? Kershaw, 2012

31. From an early age, our children spend more time with peers in daycare and school than they do with adults.

32. How modern technology weakens relationships

33. U.S. children/teens 7 hr/day ”Entertainment screens" Television, cell phones, hand-held games, iPads, Internet games, Facebook and video games 2-hrs/day Violent video games 2010 Kaiser Family Foundation Survey

34. Q. What’s the big deal about video games?

35. VIDEO CLIP: MODERN VIDEO GAME

36. Screenshot from Call of Duty

37. Violence negatively affects children’s brains • Violent video games are harmful • Research confirms numerous harmful effects of video games on behaviour, mood, relationships, physical health, sleep • Violence in media in general • Children/youth are exposed to violence in movies, televisions, popular culture • All of this desensitizes us to violence and cruelty American Academy of Paediatrics, Media Policy Statement

38. Dangers of modern communication and social media • Potential for addiction • Superficiality is not true intimacy • “I have 500 Facebook friends, but I can’t really talk to anyone” • Promotes jealousy and insecurity • Cyberbullying Dr. Gwenn O'Keeffe, 2011; Dr. Sherry Turkle, MIT and TEDS Talk

39. Texting Destroying genuine human interaction two thumbs at a time

40. How to (Re)Attach to your Youth: Common Sense Principles from Attachment Experts such as Neufeld and Hughes

41. Classic view • Attachment as a fixed foundation for the future… all built in a child’s early years

42. Actually…. • Attachment is more like bathing – you have to keep up with it…

43. How connected are you to your child? • Do you and your child • 1. Spend 1:1 time together? • 2. Have things in common? • 3. Prioritize each other’s relationship over other competing distractions and relationships? • 4. Enjoy doing things and being helpful for each other? • 5. Express affection to each other? • 6. Does your child openly come to you to share how s/he is feeling, e.g. for emotional support? Adapted from Neufeld’s Modes of Attachment, 2005

44. Britney’s Story Yes, I do spend a lot of time with my mom, but I can’t talk to her… She worries too much… She nags me and lectures me…

45. Deep relationships are better than shallow Deep relationship* As should be with parents Superficial, shallow relationships * As is developmentally normal with peers

46. The Most Powerful Strategy to Connect: Empathy and Validation

47. Empathy and Validation • Every one has the core need to feel loved and accepted no matter what • No matter how they are feeling • No matter how successful/unsuccessful • No matter how good/bad • No matter how smart/dumb, etc….. • Parents can and need to be able to meet this need better than a child/youth’s peers

48. Even your spouses can’t meet this as well as only parents can…

49. For the men in the room… • Your girlfriend/wife/female friend tells you a problem she is having with a co-worker at work… • Q. Most of the time, what does she want? 1) Your brilliant advice2) Your listening, validation and support

50. Listen for feelings, accept and validate (Connection before Direction) EMPATHIZE “I can see that you’re feeling really sad about this…” (giving supportive hug) VALIDATE/ACCEPT “That’s okay if you’re feeling sad…” SOOTHE “We’ll get through this…”“How can I support you?”“Do you want me to listen?”“Or do you want some advice?”