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SALVAGING SISTERHOOD

SALVAGING SISTERHOOD

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SALVAGING SISTERHOOD

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  1. SALVAGING SISTERHOOD Presented by: Julia V. Taylor, MA Wake County Public Schools Raleigh, NC

  2. Let’s Break Some Ice… (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  3. Opening Remarks… About Me History of Relational Aggression Girls will be Girls! Disclaimer Your “stuff” Diversity (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  4. Aligning Salvaging Sisterhood with ASCA’s National Model… • The National Standards focus on what all students, from pre-kindergarten through grade twelve, should know, understand, and be able to do to enhance their academic, career and personal/social development. • Salvaging Sisterhood falls within personal/social domain of the National Standards. Program standards for personal/ social development serve as a guide for the school counseling program to provide the foundation for personal and social growth which contributes to academic and career success. (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  5. PS:A1 Acquire Self-knowledge PS:A1.1 Develop positive attitudes toward self as a unique and worthy person PS:A1.2 Identify values, attitudes and beliefs PS:A1.4 Understand change is a part of growth PS:A1.5 Identify and express feelings PS:A1.6 Distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate behavior PS:A1.7 Recognize personal boundaries, rights and privacy needs PS:A1.8 Understand the need for self-control and how to practice it PS:A1.9 Demonstrate cooperative behavior in groups PS:A1.10 Identify personal strengths and assets PS:A1.11 Identify and discuss changing personal and social roles PS:A1.12 Identify and recognize changing family roles PS:A2 Acquire Interpersonal Skills PS:A2.1 Recognize that everyone has rights and responsibilities PS:A2.2 Respect alternative points of view PS:A2.3 Recognize, accept, respect and appreciate individual differences PS:A2.4 Recognize, accept and appreciate ethnic and cultural diversity PS:A2.5 Recognize and respect differences in various family configurations PS:A2.6 Use effective communications skills PS:A2.7 Know that communication involves speaking, listening and nonverbal behavior PS:A2.8 Learn how to make and keep friends PS:B1 Self-knowledge Application PS:B1.1 Use a decision-making and problem-solving model PS:B1.2 Understand consequences of decisions and choices PS:B1.3 Identify alternative solutions to a problem PS:B1.4 Develop effective coping skills for dealing with problems PS:B1.5 Demonstrate when, where and how to seek help for solving problems and making decisions PS:B1.6 Know how to apply conflict resolution skills PS:B1.7 Demonstrate a respect and appreciation for individual and cultural differences PS:B1.8 Know when peer pressure is influencing a decision PS:B1.11 Use persistence and perseverance in acquiring knowledge and skills PS:C1 Acquire Personal Safety Skills PS:C1.4 Demonstrate the ability to set boundaries, rights and personal privacy PS:C1.7 Apply effective problem-solving and decision-making skills to make safe and healthy choices PS:C1.10 Learn techniques for managing stress and conflict PS:C1.11 Learn coping skills for managing life events ASCA Standards A, B, & C… (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  6. Goals of Presentation… • Participants will learn distinctions between the male and female brain • Participants will learn the definition of relational aggression and dynamics of female friendships • Participants will learn how to recognize relational aggression to provide preventive discussions and intervention strategies to combat girl bullying (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  7. Goals… • Participants will learn how to work with parents, administration, and teachers to lesson incidences of relational aggression • Participants will leave with solution focused activities to use immediately in any setting with girls (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  8. The Female Brain… • Prefrontal Cortex • Self-Control • Is larger and matures earlier in females, therefore they tend to be more patient and pacific than males • Insula • Intuition and Empathy • Larger and more active in females, producing the ability to be more sufficient at reading non-verbal cues and facial expressions (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  9. The Female Brain con’t… • Anterior Cignulate Cortex • Anxiety and Decisions • Is larger in females, causing them to worry and weigh options more than men • Hippocampus • Emotional Memory • Is larger and more active in females, producing the ability to remember more emotional events (in great detail) (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  10. More about the Brain… • Hypothalamus • Hormone Control • Is active earlier in females, causing sooner puberty and increased sensitivity • Pituitary Gland • Maternal Instinct • Synchronizes with the hypothalamus, causing females to be more nurturing (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  11. Lastly… • Amygdala • Aggression • Is smaller in females, making them less likely to get into physical altercations and participate in physical risk taking behavior (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  12. Cognitive Errors Girls often make… • Dichotomous thinking • The need to categorize people • Imaginary audience syndrome • Egocentric thinking • Preoccupation with right and wrong, fairness • Present-oriented • Serious miscalculations about adult wisdom (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  13. The Social Jungle… • Girls generally start to find their place in the social puzzle around age eight • Finding a niche is a vital part of adolescent development; peers literally define who they are • Belonging to a group sets the tone of adolescents everyday experience (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  14. Gender Differences in Aggression… • Girls bond more intimately with one another • Boys form social bonds through group activities • Isolation is trauma for girls • Smothering is trauma for boys • Girls talk on the playground (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  15. Gender Differences… • Boys play on the playground • Girls are socialized to be “nice” • Boys are socialized to be “tough” • When girls become troubled, they get sad • When boys become troubled, they get mad (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  16. Newton’s Third Law of Science… FOR EVERY ACTION, THERE IS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REACTION! (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  17. What is a “bully?”… • The web defines bully as: “a cruel and brutal fellow” • What does a “bully” look like? • How does a “bully” act? • Are you afraid of bullies? • Can a bully be your friend? (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  18. Searching for “Bully”… (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  19. Still Searching… (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  20. Another “Bully”… (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  21. Girl “Bullying”… (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  22. Examples of Relational Aggression… • Spreading rumors • Isolation • Passing nasty notes/slam books • Making academic settings uncomfortable • Bumping into someone on purpose • Taunting • Damaging property (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  23. More Examples… • Making fun of someone's clothes, appearance, or weight • Persuading friends to exclude someone you are mad at • Revealing secrets • Backstabbing • Saying something rude followed by "just kidding" or “sike” • Cyber Aggression (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  24. Cyber-Aggression… • IMing • Emailing • Chat Rooms • Blogging • Cell Phone • MySpace, Facebook, Xanga, etc. (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  25. What Causes Girls to be Aggressive? • Jealously/Envy • Peer rejection • Negative role modeling • Perfectionist families • Unrealistic parents • The need for control • Lack of attention • Lack of supervision (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  26. Possible effects of Relational Aggression… (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  27. Is any of this Normal? • Conflict is a part of every child's life experience • As children learn about cooperation and social interaction, conflict naturally occurs • A common response to frustration is rejection • Aggression and hurtful remarks are part of conflict at all ages; they do not necessarily mean that a problem exists • Gossiping vs. Venting (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  28. What the Girls Say… • “Hating me won’t make you prettier.” • “Girls are vicious. Everyone thinks I am a slut, but I would rather hang out with guys than endure the pain and suffering I did in middle school.” • “Girls like totally get jealous of everything and always like have to one up you, you know, and like you know they are all in your business and you’re like just leave me alone and they like won’t and then when you like do say that they like talk behind your back. It’s totally not worth it.” (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  29. Continued… • “I get mooed and oinked at everyday and my science teacher lets them do it.” • “Last week a girl tripped me in the hall and I fell, it really hurt my feelings more than it hurt my knees. Mr. Teacher saw and just yelled at me that I would be tardy, he totally didn’t care.” (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  30. Lastly… • “The popular girls made me drink my mashed potatoes with chocolate milk through a straw so I could sit on the bench with them at recess. I did and they didn’t let me sit with them – they laughed at me. I don’t know why. I do everything they tell me to and they just make more fun of me. I hate school and I hate my teacher and I hate them.” (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  31. Who me? • RELATIONAL AGGRESSION IS VERY HARD TO PROVE! • There has been little/no intervention on behalf of some schools • No blood, no bruises, no classroom disruption – where is the evidence? • Lack of intervention escalates just like it would if nobody intervened with physical fighting • Parents often refuse to accept their daughter was punished for RA - “NOT MY CHILD.” (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  32. Girls will be Girls… • The STOP Method • Is the relational aggression • Severe • Traumatic • Ongoing, or involve a • Power struggle? If so, you have a duty to intervene! (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  33. A Few of my Favorite RA Interventions… • Musical Madness (K-6) • Sticks and Stones (K-6) • Back to Back (All) • Picture This (K-8) • Alone time (All) • DRA (All) • Describe • Request • Affirm (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  34. Write it Out (Secondary) • Write about an unpleasant situation with a close friend, use details and your role • Now, write how in hindsight you should have handled it • Write a letter to a close friend who has hurt you (have them throw it away – and DON’T post it on MySpace) • Write an apology letter to someone you hurt (writers choice whether or not to deliver it) • Friendship Timeline • Who are your friends? • What was going on in your life? • How did you meet your friends? (Parents, neighborhood, sports, class, activities, etc.) • How did you feel about yourself? • How did you treat others? • How were you treated? (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  35. You Can’t Judge a Book by it’s Cover… • Write a “commercial” about why you are a great friend – what would “I” get out of being friends with you? • For example • I am a good listener, funny, organized, have a great sense of humor, I like to help people, love to sit in coffee shops and talk all day, I stay calm during crisis situations, will do anything for anybody if I think they need me, love most sports, I love to shop, etc…. (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  36. Now, write the “Fine Print…” I am highly critical of myself, stubborn, have a tendency to believe I am always right, am a control freak, can’t sit through a movie without being bored, must have everything organized or I cannot function, let my emails pile up, don’t return phone calls in a timely manner, I get very irritated when people are late, I panic when I travel and will flip out for no reason – causing humiliation for all involved, I don’t trust anyone who drives a PT Cruiser or has a mustache, I don’t like shower curtains, and won’t eat anything that is partially hydrogenated… (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  37. Starting a Group… (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  38. About Salvaging Sisterhood… • Salvaging Sisterhood is a group curriculum designed to teach friends how to communicate efficiently and effectively with one another • Salvaging Sisterhood is designed to: • Raise awareness • Develop empathy • Teach healthy conflict • Explore feelings • Promote a positive change in female relationships (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  39. Salvaging Sisterhood… • The group should consist of one or two groups of friends (four to ten students) • Girls should generally get along, the goal of the group is to develop healthier relationships, not force them • Salvaging Sisterhood should be run by school counseling professionals who are experiencing: • Teacher complaints • Student self-referral • Administrative complaints • Parent’s calls/concerns (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  40. Choosing the Group… • A group of girls who are constantly “mad” at each other • Frequent fliers who refuse healthy confrontation • Girls who appear to be submissive to a particular girl group • Strong school leaders who need to refocus their charming leadership (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  41. Activities in Salvaging Sisterhood… • Empathy • Understanding • Random acts of kindness • Artwork • Jealously • Forgiveness • Apologizing • Agreeing to disagree (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  42. Working with Parents… AWARENESS IS KEY • Parent Support Groups • Book Club • Educational Seminars • Important Points • Popular/unpopular girls • Dealing with unpopularity • Internet use/abuse (www.teenangels.org) • How to help without intervening • Breaking up with friends • EXAMPLE PARENT PRESENTION IS ON MY WEBSITE! (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  43. Creating a Policy… • Clearly define relational aggression • Name the policy • Provide a mission statement • What is the rationale • How/when will you intervene • What are the consequences (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  44. What else can I do? • Survey the school • E-blast resources • Have informational groups • Let students know you are onto them • Send out preventative tips in parent newsletters • Block use of email and IM’s in school computer labs (or tell them you have) (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  45. Fun Schoolwide Activities… • RA Free Honor Roll • STAR Board • Anti Gossip Day • Current Events (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  46. Showdown! • 1. You spilled something on your shirt and your friend made fun of you. • 2. You tripped getting off of the bus and your friends told EVERYONE! • 3. Ever since a new girl moved here, your friend has been ignoring you and hanging around with her instead. • 4. Your friend made fun of the way you dance. • 5. Your friend said she is prettier and smarter than you. • 6. Your friend told everyone that you like a boy in your class, and you don’t even like him. • 7. You are sad and jealous because you heard two of your friends talking about a sleepover that they are having and you are not invited. When you ask them about it, they say their Mom will only let one person over. You found out three other girls came. • 8. Your friend says that your shoes look like old lady shoes. (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  47. Action Plan… • Who • What • When • Where • Why (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  48. Positive Behavioral Support… “Give a man fish and he will eat for a day...teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime” Source unknown (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  49. References… • Adolescent Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. www.aacap.org • Brizendine, L. (2006). The Female Brain.Morgan Road Books, NY, NY • Dellagesa, C. & Nixon, C. (2003). Girl Wars: 12 Strategies that will end Female Bullying. Fireside Press. • Pipher, M. (1995). Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. Ballentine Books. • Relational Aggression on the Web. www.relationalaggression.com • Simmons, R. (2003). Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls. Harvest Books. • Simmons, R. (2004). Fairfax County Public School Inservice. • Taylor, J.V. (2005). Salvaging Sisterhood: A Small Group Counseling and Classroom Curriculum for Relationally Aggressive Girls. Youthlight, Inc. • Taylor, J.V. & Trice-Black, S. (2007). Girls in Real Life Situations (G.I.R.L.S.): Group Counseling Activities for Enhancing Social and Emotional Development. • The Ophelia Project. www.TheOpheliaProject.org • Wiseman, R. (2003). Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence.Three Rivers Press. (c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights Reserved

  50. Thank You! Comments? Questions? www.teacherweb.com/nc/psc/jtaylor